If a gal whom U knew not long but she is willing to share...
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Originally posted by bus:Well, for the relationship to exist, the 2 must put in effort to realise it rather waiting for the other party to start the ball rolling. Am I right to say that?
Once 1 party takes the initiative, it is for the other party to judge his/her intention/sincerity before he/she will chip in as well.
Any comments?
It's naive to think this way as long as a relationship DOESN'T EXIST in the first place between the two. Even so, such model ain't practical in reality. There are far too many factors to consider and its dangerous to assume alot of things on the surface.
Cheers -
in my views, there r 2 possibilities. Either the gurl is a liberal chatter and doesn't mind ppl knowing her past in details... if not she has some likings for the guy. She may just wan to come clean with all the tings that she has done previously, and up to the guy to accept her anotOriginally posted by bus:her personal things like...her past experience(in details) with her Ex..... does that mean anything?
Is she hinting to the guy she is seeing(both are still single and can chat well)? One thing I am very sure is she is comfortable with the guy and is willing to know him more?
Any comments from the experts? -
No. According to my friend. She did told him that she only shared her personal issues with her 20 over years CLOSE friend but my friend told me that when he asked her "Why U tell me when we only know only 1 month +??"Originally posted by aloeveraV:in my views, there r 2 possibilities. Either the gurl is a liberal chatter and doesn't mind ppl knowing her past in details... if not she has some likings for the guy. She may just wan to come clean with all the tings that she has done previously, and up to the guy to accept her anot
Her reaction is
She looked down (don't dare to look straight at my friend and say "Oh, just nice, we discuss about BGR issue and so I tell U all these"???
I don;t believe as these are not valid reasons. -
Few doubtsOriginally posted by Yunhaier: It's naive to think this way as long as a relationship DOESN'T EXIST in the first place between the two. Even so, such model ain't practical in reality. There are far too many factors to consider and its dangerous to assume alot of things on the surface.
Cheers
In this case, must the guy initiate to the gal the possibilities of starting a relationship or just let it happen NATURALLY?
My friend still in contact with the gal and they had yet to go into anything serious (I mean a relationship) but the gal is still interest in knowing the gal that lives near to my friend!!!!
1 question
Is it OK to keep mentioning that gal who lives near to my friend to keep testing how serious is that gal's feeling toward my friend? -
Although it may seemed so, its not neccessary always so. The thing about the chase is that you CANNOT just use one or few components and fix a quick conclusion. I said before, I am not your friend, difficult for me to judge virtually through mere words.Originally posted by bus:Few doubts
In this case, must the guy initiate to the gal the possibilities of starting a relationship or just let it happen NATURALLY?
My friend still in contact with the gal and they had yet to go into anything serious (I mean a relationship) but the gal is still interest in knowing the gal that lives near to my friend!!!!
1 question
Is it OK to keep mentioning that gal who lives near to my friend to keep testing how serious is that gal's feeling toward my friend?
P.S: Just trust gut feeling if all else fails.
Cheers -
Yunhaier
I think my friend run into some problems
My friend asked her for a relationship last week but she reply saying it is best to remain as friend.
Maybe your option 2 is correct, she is fear to go into a relationship due to her bad past experiences.
One thing I want to say: if she cannot let go her "past", how she is going to accept another NEW Relationship? Am I right?
I told my friend that TIME and PATIENCE are 2 most important thing that needed to keep the association going.
Let's say she is not interested in my friend in the 1st place, will she confessed so much in just 1 month? she is not those talkative type but is those quiet and conservative type.
Maybe she is stalling TIME to see is my friend is REALLY SERIOUS/SINCERE in her before she makes any moves?
Any advices from U? -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Yunhaier:
In the game of seduction, the minute you fail to see through the other party's intention, motive, reaction and behaviour, you wouldn't know what the hell is going on. Lucky thing, tyco click on this post, if not wouldn't have knew about its existence.
Ok, let me start from the begining. The girl sms her asking her 'did she called me.' [b]This is perfectly normal. You people think too much - this is another way of saying 'Yes, why did you call me?' Therefore, dont implicate her behaviour from this. You mentioned that the guy already made known to her about his liking, yet nothing occur. There would only be either of the three reasons.
I) This girl loves attentions; she like to be showered with love and concern from the opposite gender. Loves the little sms, chats, etc. To detect if she has belongs to his category - check out her obvious jealousy when the guy hangs around with another girl. (Best if she is prettier and more sociable).
II) She experienced a sad past - she feared to get onto another relationship. Her stagnant in her decision is due to her confusion in her heart. She 'thinks' that she MAY like him - not confirm and therefore the best solution is to remain good friends and see how. You mentioned that she has share her history with this guy - would be two possibility.
- Psychological preparation for him for if what the things she told him were her flaws, ex's flaws, etc - she subconsciously wants him to know or avoid making those similiar mistake.
- Its just casual and friendly to share. This would only occur if it is her personality to do it. Probably other good friends would know about this.
III) She doesn't know if she like him anot. Therefore she needed time to source for her own feelings. She stall, not because she fear, rather she wants to buy time to check out on the guy, his character, personality and tries to develop better chemistry before committing. Look before she leaps is her quote for this case.
P.S: Before anything - see if she is under which category. Different category has different way to react and chase. Sorry, I can't be there to check her out - then use your inner wisdom to find out.
Cheers [/b]
One of my friend commented since now this gal knew the TRUE intention of my friend. She is NOT SURE what to do & might be TESTING the patience/Sincerity of my friend by keeping quiet/keeping low profile so as to see how my friend response to her. Any comments from U?
I felt that this gal DON'T DARE to commit so fast as she want to stall TIME to see how my friend behaved before she judge the situation.
She might be confused in her HEART and now seeking helps from her close friend on this matter?
How to hear from U as this situation seems urgent. Hope to hear from U any tips on how my friend should react? The 2 knew each other for coming to 2 months. -
To Yunhaier:
II) She experienced a sad past - she feared to get onto another relationship. Her stagnant in her decision is due to her confusion in her heart. She 'thinks' that she MAY like him - not confirm and therefore the best solution is to remain good friends and see how.
I and my friend discuss and come to a conclusion that she is most likely to belong to Category II.
She mentioned it is best to remain as friend but in this case, What should my friend so now?
My friend did send SMS to her to advice her NOT TO hold on to the past as it is a waste of TIME. Both of us understand that by SMS/Calling her will NOT change her thinking in just a short time period unless she is really really not interested in my friend in the 1st place.
What do U think what my friend should do now? He had decided to keep a low profile about the incident to see how the situation goes as not it seems that the situation is beyond his control. All leave it to FATE/GOD.
Really hope to hear from U soon. Thanks a lot.
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To Yunhaier:
Something forget to add:
TIME & PATIENCE seem to be the order/rule of the game to CONVINCE that gal that my friend is REALLY SERIOUS/SINCERE in her. She suffered a lot both mentally (in her heart due to her past failed relationship with guys) and physically (she had gastric pain)
and I believed she WOULD NOT EASILY believe in guy so easily if a guy say he is interested.
Will this be also a TESTING period for her on my friend to se how my friend react after telling him to remain as friend and don;t think too much?
Hope to hear from U soon. Thanks -
Well, surface speaking, regardless of whatever reasons it is - your friend isn't (by itself or effort/time) enough to make her fall and enter into the relationship. Primitive love instinct - there is only two decisions: to accept her choice and respect it or to work harder and try again.
Decide what he wants is very important because there is no grey area - this is to understand the potential risk hurt that he may face if he chose to work harder, or save this risk, save himself, though a possible relationship wouldn't be there as well. If respect her choice - then be her good friend and forget a possible relationship. Source elsewhere for potential.
If he feels that he has the time and patience to play this game & go along with it, he has to understand what is needed to make her 'fall'. I would recommand CloUdiSm unorthodox method - seek for similiarity in thinking, idealogy and behavior, yet complementary in certain ways. What the hell am I talking about?
A woman will want to seek a mate whom she can related to, yet not too similiar for the same is boring. There must be qualities that he can complement her. He must discover and 'subconscious' implant the message to her.
He should understands her more by now. Continue to discover her thinking and way of actions. Love the way she wants to be loved - not the way he wants to love. Demostrate generous nature and expand social circle. Try to enjoy company of other people as well and give up sole attention on her.
Don't worship her like goddess - on decision made is a inner decision made. Don't need to tell her. Always, on the surface, appear to treat her like a friend (what she wanted). Everything must work on the subconscious.
Forget about expressing feelings again. Either she 'fall' or nothing at all. As long as she never admits her feelings, Law of Doubt state that 'she doesn't love him, unless she tells him' Hold that thought, forget about the rewards, and just work towards the goal.
P.S: Remember, this is only applicable if he wants to continue chasing.
Cheers -
Hi, Yunhaier. In this case,it looks like my friend's case is as good as gone! No other choice.
No need to call her, No need to SMS her etc............ it is so cruel as on the initial state, it seems very promising till recently.............. well, I believe this gal might be still haunted by her past and she would not commit to this relationship.
FYI: She had been reading Novels for many year and once she revealed that she find the ladies inside the novels very sad as they suffered a lot. For those which had a good ending, she would tell my friend that it is very touching.
I feel that she is living in her dreams where she can so called experience/find her DREAM relationship but in actual fact there is NONE. I feel that she is actually using Novels as an excuse to ESCAPE from reality. In short, she is very stupid instaed to spend her life this way rather than giving herself a chance to taste love again - more practical right? WHY keep living in the past, DREAMs where she is actually fooling herself
FYI: my friend met her at SDS - a match matching organisation in Singapore.
My friend is rather disappointed by her decision but some of my other friends did commented that she might be testing the characters of my friend to find out is he serious before giving herself a chance to commit.
If she is going to have this type of thinking, I dare to say, NO MATTER who she met at SDS, she will be giving the SMAE answers to all guys as in short, she FEAR to commit due to her past.
What's your comment? -
To Yunhaier:
The Problem with this gal are whenever she is out with my friend, she would tell my friend all these
1. Nowsaday, all love are fake!
2. If a relationship fails, it is the GUY's fault
3. Guys are unfaithful!
It can tell that she already had a very bad image about guy. Then why she still go to SDS?? she is still looking for a relationship or she go there just to get someone who can talk to her and that's all. If this is the case, she is actually wasting other people's time as she don't want to commit. Can I say that? From the above, I can also deduce that YES she suffered a lot in the PAST and she is letting her past to RUIN her future happiness. Agree with me? In short, she is stupid to keep thinking in the past where those guys she knew might be already married, have their own families where this gal still thinking of them and because of the FEAR of another failure/nightmare, she avoid the subject whenever a guy asked for it!
She told my friend that before him, she met a few guys before but all cannot as they cannot click with her.... my friend is the one that she can confide in him and YET she can still say "it is best to remain as friend"
Can U tell what this gal wants actually?
My point of views are
1. Since this gal is in her early 30s, it seems to me she is NOT IN a HURRY or not even interested to go into a relationship anymore but still dream of those romantic scenes in the Novels/Movies --- keep dreaming in short and do not know when she will wake up
2. My friend is those who is ready for a relationship and eventually marry. This gal is basically wasting his time . i just winder if my friend did not confess, will this gal still in contact with him and so call "misled" him if she is not prepared for a relationship due to FEAR FROM the past, CONFUSED HEART etc etc etc etc. -
Its her life. For cases like this, it is still isn't considered very difficult cum impossible case. There are methods and ways to induce her liking and make her fall, but its difficult to explain in word form. If your friends feels that she is such a weirdo, then by all means, move on. The world isn't going to stop because of this.Originally posted by bus:Hi, Yunhaier. In this case,it looks like my friend's case is as good as gone! No other choice.
No need to call her, No need to SMS her etc............ it is so cruel as on the initial state, it seems very promising till recently.............. well, I believe this gal might be still haunted by her past and she would not commit to this relationship.
FYI: She had been reading Novels for many year and once she revealed that she find the ladies inside the novels very sad as they suffered a lot. For those which had a good ending, she would tell my friend that it is very touching.
I feel that she is living in her dreams where she can so called experience/find her DREAM relationship but in actual fact there is NONE. I feel that she is actually using Novels as an excuse to ESCAPE from reality. In short, she is very stupid instaed to spend her life this way rather than giving herself a chance to taste love again - more practical right? WHY keep living in the past, DREAMs where she is actually fooling herself
FYI: my friend met her at SDS - a match matching organisation in Singapore.
My friend is rather disappointed by her decision but some of my other friends did commented that she might be testing the characters of my friend to find out is he serious before giving herself a chance to commit.
If she is going to have this type of thinking, I dare to say, NO MATTER who she met at SDS, she will be giving the SMAE answers to all guys as in short, she FEAR to commit due to her past.
What's your comment?
If your friend met her at SDS, I suppose he can rematch someone else if she is not suitable. Afterall, match making organisation isn't about dating to become coupleship (although it could be leading, but not neccessary always) - its about expanding social circle and knowing more people.
Cheers -
Ok so far this is what I see in this either the girl is interested in him as a close friend only or she actually is interested in him.
now, you said that you're friend has asked her for a relationship and she has said that it is better to remain friends. however, this does not answer one of my questions, which is does she like him?
now if he can ask her this question and get a positive answer, i think that it would be good for him to tell her that he will wait for her and will also help her to forget the bad past experience, however he should also tell her that he will not wait forever.
secondly, if she does not have any feelings for him, i think that he should pull away from her slowly. not too abrupt as she will feel abandoned and rejected. i advise him to pull away, not because this girl doesn't like him, but rather because if he doesn't, sooner or later she will become a burden to him. like you said, she's interested in the girl that lives near him, i mean like, what right does she have to be interested in that girl and your friend?
if he doesn't pull away, she will alwayz b there hogging his time and all.
Ultimately, it's your friend's choice, if he thinks that she's the one for him, I would advice him to go for her, otherwise do find someone else.
I waited for this girl for 11 years and she did not respond to me. so this is your choice, how long is your friend willing to wait? how long is he willing to take the risk?
that's my 2 cents worth =) hope it helps. -
Thanks to the 2 who replies to me.
Well, Yes, it is a tricky situation, My friend can still wait as he had the TIME but not the gal (she is no longer young) but the questions are
1. How long?
2. Is it worth it?
Basically, I feel she is very weird in her life style.... shunt herself from all form of TV Programme entertainments saying she does not like as LOVE is fake in those Drama BUT buried herself in those Novels where she can find/DREAM about her romantic/Sad relationships ---- my guess, to remind of her past. I feel she needs a Psychologist --- do U agree?
My friend commented that during one of the outings, she asked him "Will U keep your GF inform whereever U go?" My friend told her, "it is not necessary". She replied "last time, my Ex...so and so
The question is If she is finding someone who behaved LIKE her ex... then she is actually not worth my friend's time as she can NEVER find another one who resembled her EX.... in short she is comparing her ex's characters with New guys, hoping to fid someone IDENTICAL, NOT FAIR as well, cannot compare...... This is my guess, I might be wrong also.
Since she is so negative about guys, Will she start a relationship with any guys??? My guess is she is already NOT THAT INTERESTED as she might be living in this way for many years and she is so used to it liao.
As regards to "she is interested in that gal who lives near my friend".... That gal is also an SDS member whom my friend know EARLIER than her but he is not really that interested at this moment.
This gal seems to be jealous about this gal who lives near to my friend as she keep asking my friend, did U date her out, etc etc etc etc. If she is really that NOT interested "why bother"??
I feel this gal might be hiding something from my friend and that is "Her True Feeling"............... No one will know whether she also likes my friend EXCEPT herself. I cannot help much and it is really a tricky situation. -
I had bad experience with gal in their 30s who are single. One is my ex-boss and the other one is one of my ex-course mate.
They will tell U their past relationships and in some cases, they DON"T DARE to commit anymore and decided to stay single because of FEAR of HURT that will haunt them.
So in my friend's case..... it looks MORE like of this kind of situation.. Gals stay single beside not be able to find someone, the other reason is because of past HURT.
These type of gals will also behaved a bit weird as well. Want people to respect them, they like to be the decision makers etc etc etc. -
it seems that this situation is common in this world... hmmz anyway i think that the guy now should juz concentrate on how to make her forget her 'past' n bring her back to the reality... i guess i can understand her willingness to trap herself in the world of the novels..becoz of the power of words... words r a really powerful tool... if u know how to make use of it... wow... well at least yr friend have a direction to work towards that is to convince her out of the world... ..... hmmz anyway wish him all the best n since u mentioned that time is not really a factor for him i think sooner or later he will succeed... juz a matter of time...n ideas.... n perhaps luck... .... ...
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i think that if your friend were to ask her again, he should also add that he will not be able to be like her ex as he is not her ex. i think that i'm beginning to form a mental picture of this girl...she seems to be a person that has a lot of defenses built around her to defend herself. unless your friend can somehow get around that defence *note: not break thru it* he will do fine. i don't think that she needs a psychologist as all she needs is someone with a listening ear, but it should be made clear that this person also has a life to live and not constantly be this girl's 'punching' bag, to relieve her stress via words, to.
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yeah getting through her defense is the key thing.... ... ...Originally posted by alienara :she seems to be a person that has a lot of defenses built around her to defend herself. unless your friend can somehow get around that defence