jokes
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Ms S'pore
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.
Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN JIAO
Judge: ?????????!!!! -
A To Z Of Kiasu Philosophy
Always must win
Borrow but never return
Cheap is good
Don't trust anyone
Everything also must grab!
Free! Free! Free!
Grab first talk later
Help yourself to everything
I first, I want, I everything Vow to be number one
Jump queue
Keep coming back for more
Look for discount
Must not lose face
Never mind what they think
Outdo everyone you know
Pay only when necessary
Quit while you are ahead
Rushing and pushing wins the race
Sample are always welcome
Take but don't give
Unless it's free forget it
Vow to be number one
Winner takes it ALL! ALL! ALL!
Xtra more of everything
Yell if necessary to get what you want
Zebras are kiasu because they want to be both black and white at the same time -
Ah Beng All WET!
Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Singapore River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.
Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.
Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim !
Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered !
Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations shouted.
The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?") -
Ah Beng's HOT shOt
During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.
That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.
The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.
Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.
Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."
Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."
"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself
"Aim..."
"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! " -
Ah Beng Speaks Up
Ah Beng talks about Singapore history and current affairs...
Under the 'ang mo' we all live happily together, no complain.
Malaysia & Singapore is one big family in our brains.
One day we both like 2 durians cannot get along.
Got sharp thorns, poke each other, until 'buay song.'
One moment like brothers, can give and take.
Next moment we kena kicked out by the leg.
Wah! Our towkay also cry like mad,
we all also feel very very sad.
Our neigbours all say, 'Wah they all sure to die!
They got nothing, how to get next bowl of rice?'
So 'boh pian,' we all work day and night.
We also join the army so that we can fight.
We don't care others 'see us no up'.
But actually inside we very pain in the heart.
Then slowly hor we grow rich and a bit fat.
Now others talk about us also got some respect.
They scratch their heads and say
'Very funny! Got nothing how come they can still make money?'
Last time also got no money to buy ice-cream cone.
Nowadays even small kids can also afford hand phone.
Sea port, airport also can become Number One.
He! He! Sometimes think about it also very fun.
But some people look at us also not happy.
Actually they jealous don't want to say only.
So every time their country got something wrong.
They all say Singapore's behind it all along.
Everybody know we water no enough.
They turn off tap only we all cannot last.
They threaten us with water supply and shout 'Cut! Cut! Cut!'
Aiyoh! They all think the water is one big ketupat.
We all hear already also 'buay tahan'
Wah liao, they think we small can makan!
But now they 'cow pay cow bu' we all not very scared.
We want to build water desalination plant already so not so bad.
But their own economy now all go bust.
Got to sell water otherwise money no enough.
Then another neighbor say Singapore no friend friend,
Got so much money, a bit more also donno how to lend.
They say we all only one small red dot,
like the center of a big dartboard.
Maybe they think we mouse and they cat,
that's why they suka suka anyhow talk like that.
But we all still send them a lot of rice.
Show the world we actually very very nice.
Sometimes we 'cho ho sim' also kena whack.
But we all gentleman wan, don't want to fight back.
I think hor maybe they don't understand us very well.
That's why relationship sometimes like heaven sometimes like hell
Some say aiyah our prosperity is all due to luck,
that's why we all siao siao' can still win the Tiger Cup
I think hor, Singapore is like chilli padi in a pot -
Size small small but still very very hot. -
TicO MONKS
There were four Buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.
One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady zhao keng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).
The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.
So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)"
The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"
The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"
Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)" -
Ah Beng On e SeA
Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.
The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"
Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.
Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.
Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"
The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.
In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!" -
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ShiT..
One day, Ah Choy & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw something in their path.
"Wait!" cried Ah Choy.
"Wat is lat ho?"
"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng.
"Wat is it?" They approached the thing and looked at it very closely. "Eee.. look like shit lah!" say Ah Choy.
"Hmmm..smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe.
Ah Choy then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!"
Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick. With confident, he said, "Confirm is shit!"
Then they smiled at each other, "Wah! lucky we didn't step on it." -
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halo...Originally posted by kohanson: -
noodles
Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"
So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.
Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you, okay!" -
Addicted to Street Fighters
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Afghan Spice Girls
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BABy MOP
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Wondering the blow-up doll represented which country? Originally posted by Si|verGer:Addicted to Street Fighters
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ahah this one very cute..Originally posted by Si|verGer:BABy MOP -
A Man and a Woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an
embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far,I'm afraid he'a a goner!" -
One day, ah beng's mother went to the temple to pray as her son had just bought a 150sp to ride. 
She told the god to protect her son from any injuries if he is involved in any accident. Who knows, the second day her son really got into an accident and the bike he is riding crash into a condition whereby all parts came flying out.Luckily,her son was totally unhurt.
After this accident, Ah beng decide to buy a bigger bike and this time he bought a TL1000.Therefore, her mother went to the temple to pray again.However, this time her son died due to another accident. She was very sad and went back to the temple to scold the god.
She sit down there and shout at the god for 8 hours and keep on asking the god why he never protect her son. Finally the god get fedup with all her shouting and answer her,"Auntie, your son upgrade to such a fast bike, i cannot catch up with him lah"
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muahahhaha den shld put turbo mahOriginally posted by Bikemania: One day, ah beng's mother went to the temple to pray as her son had just bought a 150sp to ride.
She told the god to protect her son from any injuries if he is involved in any accident. Who knows, the second day her son really got into an accident and the bike he is riding crash into a condition whereby all parts came flying out.Luckily,her son was totally unhurt.
After this accident, Ah beng decide to buy a bigger bike and this time he bought a TL1000.Therefore, her mother went to the temple to pray again.However, this time her son died due to another accident. She was very sad and went back to the temple to scold the god.
She sit down there and shout at the god for 8 hours and keep on asking the god why he never protect her son. Finally the god get fedup with all her shouting and answer her,"Auntie, your son upgrade to such a fast bike, i cannot catch up with him lah"