Funny Jokes/Encounters
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Hey everyone...got any funny encounters or jokes to tell? Post it here lor...then share share with every one...
Okie i start first...but not funny..dun blame me ar..
Once there was a little boy who went to his mum and ask,
"Mum, what is a pussy and a bitch?
"Well a pussy is a cat and a bitch is a female dog."
Not satisfied with the answer, the little boy went to his dad and said,
"Dad, I asked Mum what is a pussy and a bitch and she did not seem to give me a good answer."
"Well Son, in the first place you should have come to me...what do woman know about this?"
Then dad took out a nice poster of a naked lady. He draws a circle on her private part and told the son,
"Now sonny, that is a pussy."
"Then what is a bitch??", asked the boy.
Dad Replied, "Everything that is outside this circle!!"
Eh...I not saying I am one ar.... =X
[This message has been edited by Hershey (edited 15 May 2002).] -
wah...seems like this topic not many ppl like wor...no posting one...sighzzzz
Okie i tell another joke then...this one about blondes..
Once there is this blonde who wish to have a pair of crocodile skin shoes but, she did not want to pay the high price of it.
After much haggling with the shopkeeper,she got angry..
"I will go catch a crocodile myself!!"
"Well you should and maybe you can can be lucky and catch a BIG one!!" the shopkeeper chuckles.
Hence the blonde went to a swarmpy area. Holding a .38 in her hand she stood in the swarmp waiting.
Then a six-foot crocodile swim towards her, she points the gun to the crocodile and shot it dead. Right besdie her, lay six creatures ofthe same kind,dead.
Just then the shopkeeper happened to pass by and stopped, to see what on earth she was doing...
Soon, the blonde turned the crocodile over and exclaimed...
"Damn this is the seventh one and its not even wearing any shoes!!" -
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
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Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you ! expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
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Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
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Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?
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Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?
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Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at home.
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Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
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First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!! "
Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive."
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A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,
"Order, order.
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
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Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time?
Post Master : Well it might do.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Johor.
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An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
"How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
"How long has what been going on?' said the man.
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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
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Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
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Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and
a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
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Man : Where are you from?
Woman : U.S.A.
Man : Are you here on vacation?
Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.
Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!
Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
Man : !!@#$%^&*!*#
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A lady went to a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup.
Lady : Waiter, what is this soup called?
Waiter : It is called special chicken soup.
Lady : But I see no chicken in it!
Waiter : That's why it's so special!
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Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ?
Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly. -
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories.
The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said,
“Right, you’re done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can’t mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand.”
The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldnÂ’t get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him.
She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.
“Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be,” his wife said.
“It’s not that,” he said.
He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost. His wife asked him,
“What is it then?”
“When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders.”
Gays Cartoons Characters
TINKY WINKY
The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from the Teletubbies children’s television show, was “clearly a fount of gayness.” His reasoning is because the character is purple (a “gay” color), has an antenna in a triangle shape (a “gay” symbol), and he carries a purse. However, as I see it, Falwell’s work is far from over.
FRED FLINTSTONE
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is “Twinkle-Toes,” the show’s theme song ends with the phrase, “We’ll have a gay old time,” he wears a little orange dress with triangles on it, and he hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.
BUGS BUNNY
Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag, and he loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, itÂ’s worth noting, speaks with an obvious lisp.
VELMA (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she sports an obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is always wearing a thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks, and she never once attempted to shag Shaggy.
POPEYE
Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though he hasnÂ’t been on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor dances, dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl, and his best friend is named Wimpy.
BATMAN & ROBIN
Evidence: Robin’s nickname is “Boy Wonder,” Batman’s real name is “Bruce,” they both wear tights, and they both in great shape.
PEPPERMINT PATTY
Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants and not dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls, she plays a mean game of football, she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie, she always wears comfortable shoes, and her nickname is “Sir.”
PINK PANTHER:
Enough said.
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Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have three men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, another is washing and the last is cleaning.
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~CloneMe~
It can't rain all the time.
[This message has been edited by ^3rdWatch (edited 23 May 2002).] -
Thanks people for the contributions...funny!!
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see my face lor.
me myself = a joke liao
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Then some1 have all the luck of laffing so very often...
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~ Rough competition ~
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "ThatÂ’s quite a heavy drink. WhatÂ’s wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow," says the barkeep. "WhatÂ’d you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?"
"I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’"
~ ~ ~
A deaf-mute strolls into a pharmacy to buy a pack of condoms. Unfortunately, he canÂ’t find the rubbers. Because he doesnÂ’t speak, he tries explaining to the pharmacist with his hands, but the pharmacist fails to understand.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute guy unzips his pants, pulls his penis out, and (thud!) drops it onto the counter. Then he lays a five-dollar bill down next to it.
“Ah,” says the pharmacist. Smiling, he also unzips his pants and flops his penis on the counter. Then he pockets the deaf man’s cash. The man begins to curse in sign language. “Sorry,” says the pharmacist. “If you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t gamble.”
~ ~ ~
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto suddenly stops, climbs down off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. The Lone Ranger waits a few seconds before asking Tonto,
“What is it?”
“Buffalo come,” Tonto replied.
“How can you tell?”
“Ear sticky.”
~ ~ ~
A flasher walks by two old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself. One of the old ladies has a strokeÂ…the other one canÂ’t reach it.
~ ~ ~
A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the hospital. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it.
“We’ve received the results from your tests,” says the doctor on the other end of the line. “Bad news—you have Ebola.”
“Oh, my God,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”
“Don’t worry. First, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread,” says the doctor.
“Will that cure me?”
“No, but it’s the only food we’ll be able to get under the door.”
~ ~ ~
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied.
“That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didnÂ’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
~ ~ ~
Lastly
A guy walks into a psychologist's office wearing a pair of shorts made from Cling wrap. So the psychologist says,
“Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
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~CloneMe~
It can't rain all the time. -
Once there was this Ah Lian who went to the provision shop to buy stocking...
"Eh Uncle..wu stocking to knee bo??"
(Do yu have stocking up to the knee?)
Ah pek heard it ...got angry and scolded her..
"Siao ar..dou lou wu stocking up to nee??
(Are you crazy? Where got stocking up to the breast??)
:p -
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into
the president's office the customer is always right!). The bank president
then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!"
and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of
course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that
your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that
kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure had.
There was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with
her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000
says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.
>
> >The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she
could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the
matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him$100,000 that at 10:00 AM today,
I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." -
A minister told his congregation, 'Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.'
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
All hands went up.
The minister smiled and said, 'Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.' -
[color=brown]An E-Mail To The Wrong Wife
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor unconcious. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here. -
[color=blue]AH Beng went to a dsico and saw a red sign on the door outseid that says 18 and below not allowed entry.
"Damn.....I only got 17 people!! " replied Ah Beng.... -
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him,
and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I will have a hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich
says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so
I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of
his pocket and! places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks,
"One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. But when he showed up at the exam hall all he saw were ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird was covered in a sack and only their legs showed. The invigilator announced that everyone had to identify each bird by its legs.
The student got angry he had wasted his time studying for such a senseless exam, so he went up to the invigilator and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student headed for the exit.
The invigilator was surprised but because the class was so big he didn't know every student's name. So just as the angry young man opened the door to leave, the invigilator called out in a booming voice, "Hey, young man, tell me your name so I can fail you on the spot!"
The enraged student pulled up his pant, exposed his legs and said, "You guess!" -
Too Late
The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"