Children are so unique in so many ways. They have different sleep
routines, different obsessions and different food preferences. But
there's one thing that you can always rely on: as soon as they learn to
speak they'll start asking tricky questions.
It's like some
innate gift passed down through the generations. As sure as the sky is
blue, there's a small person out there somewhere asking why the sky is
blue.
So what are the questions that every parent dreads? We
asked some parents to share theirs to help us put together our guide to
some of the worst offenders.
1. Personal probes
Q: "Mummy, why do you have a fuzzy bottom?"
Annie C's five-year-old asked this one day. She then proceeded to "tell everyone at nursery about the phenomenon".
It's
bad enough having a pre-schooler point out your wobbly, fuzzy or bald
bits, without them broadcasting it to all and sundry. And teenagers
wonder why parents always bring out the embarrassing photos when they
bring their new partners round. Revenge is a dish best served cold,
children.
A: "It’s where I store the emergency fuzzy felt."
2. Anthropomorphic conundrums
Q: "Does the cat ever get bored?"
Is
a cat given to ennui? In spite of their considerable freedom, they
barely do anything most days, often sleeping for 16 hours at a time. Is
that a sign of depression? Given as much freedom, just imagine what a
dog would fill its days with!
A: "No, he doesn't get bored. He thinks a spider walking across the floor is the most exciting thing he's ever seen. Yesterday, he watched the rain for over an hour. He's very easily pleased."
[Related feature: What to do if your child cheats]
3. Gender brain benders
Q: "Why do boys have willies?" (or "Why don't girls have willies?")
Such
a simple question, but how do you answer? Do you go for the straight
truth and start drawing biological diagrams? Or do you think of
something silly involving cavemen and fire control?
A: "Ask your father."
4. Metaphysical mind-blowers
Q: "What are shadows made of?"
It's
probably no surprise to learn that the little boy who asked this grew
up to be a writer/illustrator of wacky children's comics about sheep and
tiny dinosaurs. Gary Northfield's mum couldn't give an answer, which is
nothing to be ashamed of.
A: "The backs of rainbows."
5. Evolutionary mysteries
Q: "Where did the first horse come from?"
Questions
like this are the sort you should probably gen up on before your
offspring learn to speak. They're a staple part of any child's
questioning: things you can actually give a proper answer to if only
you'd bothered to get that zoology degree.
A: "Horses evolved about 75 million years ago in Europe and Asia from an
animal called Eohippus (Dawn Horse). It was just 60cm (the equivalent of
two rulers) in length."
6. Social faux pas
Q: "Is that a man or a woman?"
It's
IMPERATIVE that this be asked loudly and within earshot of the person
in question in order to cause maximum embarrassment to parents. Popular
variants include "Why does that lady have a moustache?" and "Why is that
man wearing a dress?".
A: "Shh, darling!"
7.Chemical queries
Q: "How do you make the tap water go hot with your hand?"
This
one was asked by a child convinced that the water turned warm only
because mum was holding her hand under the tap. Apparently, explanations
about boilers and immersion heaters did not pass muster.
A: "I absorb all the cold out of the water. Why do you think my hands are always so cold?"
8. Morbid fascination
Q: "Grandad, when are you going to die?"
This
is always a cheery question to ask an elderly relative. Annie C's
daughter asked this last time she visited her grandpa. Looks like
someone's getting nothing in the will.
A: "When I run out of breaths."
9. Meteorological interrogations
Q: "Why is the sky blue?"
This
is another old faithful, and certainly one you can easily learn to
answer. How technical you want to get depends on whether you'd like to
spend half an hour explaining how the eye sees light of different
frequencies as different colours, or if you'd rather use that time to
re-grout the bathroom tiles.
A: "The sky appears blue because gas molecules in the atmosphere absorb more blue light and reflect it all around the sky."
Or: "Because that's God's favourite colour."
10. Naked truths
Q: "What's an orgasm?"
These
are the questions sent to try us, as Camilla Chafer will attest. Other
parents have been asked "What's a prostitute?" "What's a condom?" and
"What's a pervert?". They're all words that children might hear as they
go out into the world, but wouldn't life be simpler if they didn't?
A: "I'll tell you when you're older" (ah, that old cop out).
Or: If you're feeling brave, you could try a little bit of truth. Not too
much, though -- you don't want the playground full of children playing
'prostitutes and peverts'.