The Secret Diary of Joe Cole, aged 29 and 1/12
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The Secret Diary of Joe Cole, aged 29 and 1/12
Dear Diary,
I am very upset. Today is not a good day for Joey.
The manager says I haven’t been doing well at Liverpool but how else was I supposed to fit in?
What does he know anyway? Stevie says I’m the best in the world.
I was playing FIFA 11 yesterday with the boys. I haven’t been able to play for a while because I’ve got a sore thumb but Paul Konchesky told everyone I’m the best in the world. Everybody wanted me to be their partner, wanted me on their team and they’ve all been trying to persuade me.
I went on Carra’s team, we lost. I was played out of position, I’m much better sitting in the middle of the couch than out on the edge. How am I able to show my talent when messed about like that?
We visited a hospital to cheer up some sick kids before Christmas. Sammy Lee said he’d heard I was the best in the world at this, the anticipation was huge with all the players looking to me to bring the smiles to the kids faces.
Fernando wanted to know why, in his words: ‘Why are you rubbish at this Joe, you were supposed to be good. You’re making the children cry, what’s your beef?’.
I told him that I should always be deployed on the middle paediatrics ward and not out here on admissions, how am I supposed to display what I can do when treated like this?
At the Christmas party we played pass the parcel. Glen Johnson told everyone that he’d never seen anyone play pass the parcel like me, he said the stories from West Ham about my prowess at this were legendary. We sat there and the parcel went around and around, Jose unwrapped a bit, Raul unwrapped a bit, as did others, and then Stevie unwrapped the last bit and won.
Glen wanted to know what had happened ‘You didn’t have control of it once, in fact you hardly touched it and here’s me telling everyone you’re really good.’
I explained to Glen that I was simply put in the wrong position and should they want to make the most of my ability then I need to be used more centrally. If it had been me where Stevie was, then I’d have done well too.
Later at the party, we had a disco and Milan was telling everyone that he’d heard throughout Europe that I was the most naturally gifted English dancer around. He had told all the lads and everyone was looking forward to seeing me do my stuff.
I gave it a go and they all seemed very disappointed but I had to explain to them that if the DJ plays the wrong music then how am I supposed to be able to dance at all?
I think they understood.
As imagined by Annie Eaves for the Mirror
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roy hodgson is not a top class coach/manager, made no mistake about it.
he is a good coach/manager, that is all. he couldnt inspire or motivate his players to play above themselves and he slated them publicly (Johnson and now Cole).
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i thought what a befitting piece of satirical about joe cole! Maybe I watch him too little but since his west ham days, the only ability i have seen of him is his occasional fancy tricks on the ball. I was quite surprised that chelsea bought him back then.
Yes he may be an above average player but definitely nowhere near the hype that he does not deserve.