Fernando Llorente to Manchester United
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Fernando Llorente: Wayne Rooney's replacement at Old Trafford? Photograph: Cesar Manso/AFP/Getty Images
According to this morning's Daily Mail, Manchester United are "monitoring" Athletic Bilbao's Spain striker Fernando Llorente. Llorente is 6ft 5in tall and would cost £25m. Real Madrid are also interested. Manchester City and Chelsea are both after "the new Ronaldo", the Sporting Lisbon teenager Bruma, who is 15 years old.
"City are said to be offering the teenager £220,000 just as a signing bonus, while a home, cars and work for his family would also be made available." Work for his family? The Mill is intrigued. Is that legal? How closely do you have to be related to Bruma to get a job? What if the Mill applies for the same post but is turned down on grounds of not being Bruma's second cousin – can the Mill have Sheikh Mansour imprisoned in the Hague under EU law freedom of Bruma migrant worker fairness regulations? So many unanswered questions.
Also in the Mail, Brazilian disappointment Kaká could be on his way out of Real Madrid if an improbable Wayne Rooney swoop looks likely. Kaká cost £56m. He's still only 28. Manchester City and Chelsea are said to be "interested", but they may just be being polite.
In the Daily Mirror, Sven-Goran Eriksson is "chasing Manchester United starlet" Ritchie De Laet. Run, Ritchie. Run like the wind. And don't agree to do anything you're not entirely comfortable with. Birmingham goal-sensation Cameron Jerome wants to sign a new contract to stay at the club. Barry Ferguson, Keith Fahey, Stephen Carr and Mickey Pearce from Only Fools and Horses (also known as Liam Ridgewell) have all recently signed new deals.
In today's Sun, the "clamour" for Kenny Dalglish has reached semi-deafening, almost audible insect-whisper levels. "Roy Hodgson's Anfield future is on a knife-edge after the Kop boss admitted he could be powerless to stop Fernando Torres leaving," says the Voice of Merseyside.
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kaka swoop sounds gd...