I am a prosecuting attorney in a small Mississippi town and will admit to having a few extra pounds on me. Not long ago, I was questioning a witness in an armed robbery case. I asked, "Would you describe the person you saw?"
The witness replied, "He was kind of short and stout."
"You mean short and stout like me?" I asked.
"Oh, no," the witness said. "He wasn't that fat."
It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert. I'd get in the fighter's stance and start shadowboxing. Jabbing with both fists, I'd say, "One-two, one-two," and he would imitate me over and over. I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our son to a birthday party. When the boy's mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to Robert and asked, "Would you like one too?" It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.
My baby-sitter knows not to bring my one-year-old daughter, Ami, into the supermarket where I work. One glimpse of me at the checkout counter and Ami will scream until she's in my arms. But one day, with the fridge empty, Maxine had no choice. And, as predicted, when my daughter spotted me, her wailing could be heard throughout the entire store. Unsure what to do, I just smiled and continued scanning a customer's groceries. "That's right, honey," said the woman I was waiting on. "You just keep smiling and thank God she's not yours."
An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
It is so rare to be offered a meal on airlines these days that I was surprised to hear the flight attendant ask the man sitting in front of me,
"Would you like dinner?"
"What are my choices?" he responded.
"Yes or no," she said.
As she slid behind the wheel for her first driving lesson, my daughter couldn't contain her excitement. "You need to make adjustments so the car is comfortable for you, the driver," I began. "Now, what's the first thing you should do?"
"Change the radio station," she said.
Most businesses like that our credit card machines automatically print "Thank you, please come again" at the bottom of receipts. Though one guy called to ask if I could take it off.
"Sure," I said. "But do you mind my asking why?"
"It just seems inappropriate," he answered. "We're a funeral home."
Originally posted by Beautiful951:
Some of them are quite true. 
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
Originally posted by Ferret:Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
lmao
Wow ferret, did you think up all these jokes by yourself? You must be a geinus.
OLD
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:OLD
Y SO SRS? lol ur avatar.