HELL jokes
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Assign The Punishment
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Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned." -
Fulfilling Their Requests
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There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.
So God made him a woman !! -
Is The Wife In Control?
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." -
Welcome To Hell
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One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil:Why so glum?
Guy:Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil:Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy:Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do.Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy:Gee, that sounds great.
Devil:You a smoker?
Guy:You better believe it.
Devil:All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before...
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!
Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!
Devil: So... are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays! -
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Originally posted by InnoHippo:Is The Wife In Control?
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." ...listen too much to the wife..