Fallen Poet
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Fallen poet
The fallen poet gives a long sigh
He sits under an apple tree
Beneath the azure blue sky
Steams of tears well in his eyes
The fallen poet begins to cry
He mourns the lost of a love gone by
He sits in silence wondering why
Endless thoughts that fill his mind
How did the love they had suddenly die
The fallen poet wonders why
The fallen poet thinks of her
Every moment of his broken life
He regrets the day he said goodbye
All he hopes is for one more try
The fallen poet takes his life
He makes his mistake one more time
He canÂ’t take his lost in his stride
He slashes his throat with cold sharp knife
He breathes his last and says good night
The fallen poet finally dies
Paiseh...this noob troubling seniors to give opinion. *bows down and begs for forgiveness* -
Me no senior...but me thinks your poem is good. Very sad and disturbing...but good.
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Hee hee I am no senior either.
A very interesting poem. I can see that you have put in much effort in writing this poem. It is like watching a movie from one sequence to another. Nicely done.
Keep it up.
However I do have a few comments. Firstly, first stanza fourth line, are you trying to say ‘Streams of tears well in his eyes’? Secondly, I find that there are too many ‘He’ in this poem ( A total of 10 ‘He’ I think), maybe you can try to cut it down a bit? Lastly just wondering, will the poem sounds better in past tense?
Just my view.
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i second DeadPoet's view. Also, too many "fallen poet"s as well.
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Gimme ur comments on another one. Pardon me if its half-baked...coz i really got a feeling i should have written 1 more stanza.
When I look into the pitch night,
With Mr. Moon shining with a damped light
Beyond the diamond salt swirls of a sapphire blue sea
The waves of this world crash down on me
Like the tides of the ocean ebbs and flows
The people around me come and go
Visitors that arrive and part, never to settle in my heart
Not wanting stay for long
Joys of company so far off,
The precious moments I have lost,
The cruel lessons taught to treasure its worth... -
Hello fallin, since I am not you, it is difficult for me to know exactly how you felt when you were writing this poem. So for this poem I choose not to comment on it. Instead I rewrote it.Originally posted by fallin:Gimme ur comments on another one. Pardon me if its half-baked...coz i really got a feeling i should have written 1 more stanza.
When I look into the pitch night,
With Mr. Moon shining with a damped light
Beyond the diamond salt swirls of a sapphire blue sea
The waves of this world crash down on me
Like the tides of the ocean ebbs and flows
The people around me come and go
Visitors that arrive and part, never to settle in my heart
Not wanting stay for long
Joys of company so far off,
The precious moments I have lost,
The cruel lessons taught to treasure its worth...
Here is my version. I try to come as close as possible to the original meaning. Hope you like it.
When I look into the starless night
The moon shines alone with an eerie light
Beyond the swirls of the sapphire blue sea
Waves of reality crashes down on me
Like tides of ocean ebbs and flows
People around me come and go
Those that arrive will eventually part
Never to settle down in my heart
Not wanting to stay around for long
Joys of company seems so far off
Those precious moments I have lost,
Have taught me well to treasure their worth... -
thus i die. eck.
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Thank you...I really appraciate this.
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What is eck???Originally posted by HENG@:thus i die. eck.
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No problem.Originally posted by fallin:Thank you...I really appraciate this.
Mine is only a suggestion. Just another way you can approach the poem. Do it your way, it is your special poem.
Keep up the good work.