By the fireplace ...
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REFRESH BUTTON
This will be the permanent place for all your original stories, prose, etc.
Thanks for sharing your writing with us. Let us sit by the fireplace and enjoy the stories.
P.S. This is a ‘Read Only’ thread. Thanks.
The Writers Connection
Devil1976
KittynMeow
tare
tiaret
LazerLordz -
By Devil1976
An Old Man's Rain
Morning... A wet weather... I stood by the door as the train was about to stop... Bringing me to work... Just another day...
Then the floor... It's wet... It's insignificant... I traced the water to its source... Its owner...
An old man.. In a jacket... In a trousers obviously too small for him... Stood by the side of the door... Expressionless... All wet...
The air-con blew on me... I felt the chill. I looked at him.. He didn't move a thing... His thoughts seemed stagnant. I looked at the floor.. As if it's drawn out of him... Together with it... I saw his hope... I saw his energy...
He's not dead. Could be worse than that? What's the coldness compared to the 'emptiness' inside of him? Hollow... As that's what he seemed...
He don't seems much affected by the way I looked at him... I wanted to take a step closer... The train came to a halt. I walked.. Off to work...
It's just strange... That this old man and his rain kept coming to my mind.... -
By Devil1976
A patch of grass...
One of the most cosy and relaxing thing in my life... A patch of grass... The one which I can sink myself into... Laid back against it looking into the sky... Feel so relaxed and drowsy... May it be the day where I could listen to the birds sing and the wind's breeze... Cosy, I feel so much at ease and at home... Just like a child in a mother's arms... Mother nature, the mum of all... She'll talk to me in a language so silent... Yet too busy to listen to at all my other times... She'll smile at me with her warm gentle sunlight.. Makes me realise that there're still blood flowing inside of me and it's still warm... Her touch... Sensations up my skin.. Like she's caressing me within.... I don't feel alive anymore... Yet so very much alive... Just me and this moment... Mum and me... Does it matter if one day I would to die? At least I've seen her smile... And how wonderful life it is... Without the artifacts.....
The night would send chill down my mind... Like a mum stroking its child to sleep... She'll tell me stories I've long forgotten... She's so patient... Though she've said and told me before... She'll just repeat her stories and make me understand things... Not a moment too anxious... And insects would be listening to us... Joining in to the harmony... No matter how small you may be. She told her children. One day people might just notice you? Listen... Listen to the night... Listen to the voices... Everyone has something to share.. Their voices might be weak... But if only so beautiful their nature is.... I closed my eyes... I think... Some day I would wanna be just like you mum... So beautiful.... -
By KittynMeow
Chapter 1
I walked in with the rest and took a seat at the second row of the lecture theatre. I couldn't help the feeling of anxiety and anticipation within me -- it's a brand new beginning! It's the first day of school and today is my 19th birthday.
Having just moved into the hostel this morning, I didn't have time to check out my roommate and neighbours, but it seemed like a pretty amiable crowd. Just hope that they don't mind me playing my games late into the night.
I can't wait for lessons to start so that everyone can start introducing themselves, including that guy half a head taller than everyone in the room. Oh god, when was the last time I had a man. The last one wasn't even half a man. This one sure looks interesting.
"My name is Ramazan, from Germany," his guttural voice resonating in the lecture room when it was his turn to speak.
"Ramazan doesnÂ’t sound like a German name" I responded.
With a cat like speed that's contrary to his huge frame, he turned around and shot me a glance. Upon meeting my gaze, his face soften and offered an explanation "My parents migrated from Turkey to Germany when I was born"
No wonder he had such a thick German accent. His curly locks are framed on a nice set of cheekbones, with big brown deep set eyes.
Lecture has indeed become more interesting... -
Chapter 2
Argh... it's finally over... or at least the first half of a boring day is...
I can't believe that after 6 months of holidaying and doing part-times mean that I'll get this bored in class, that is, minus the minutes I've been looking at Ramazan.
Suddenly, thoughts of a Turkish prince sweeping me away from this mudane university to a romantic escapade in the middle-east come to mind.
"Hey! Hello! You're in my class, right?"
I turned around to see a face that is probably many girls' envy and some other girls' worst enemy. Large, bright eyes, cheery smile, on a smooth, fair face framed with luscious black hair. Gosh, she's pretty. How can she bring herself to associate with an ugly duckling like me?
"Yeah, I think you were sitting in front of me in class just now. Hi, I'm Cheryl"
"Hi," I managed a weak smile. "I'm Pat."
"Nice to meet you. Isn't it great? First day of school? How about catching lunch together?"
She seemed sincere and friendly enough. Maybe it was the beginning of a new friendship, I thought.
"Sure, why not?"
"Let's sit over there?" she pointed towards the first table at the front of the canteen as she spoke. "Some of my friends are there and they'll be delighted to meet you!"
I looked where she pointed and there he was again..... Ramazan.
"Come on" I could barely stop myself from staring as she led me by the hand to the table.
"Hi everyone, I'll like you to meet Pat." Cheryl said as we sat at the table. " I believe you have met Ram."
She pointed at Ramazan and I barely nodded.
A lanky guy sitting on his right with an arm around a girl with short hair and freckles extended his hand and said, "Hi, I'm Jason. ItÂ’s nice to meet you. And this is my girlfriend, Lisa."
I shook his hand and nodded to Lisa, "Nice to meet you."
"So you were the one asking Ram about his name. I'm Kate," said a girl with long curly hair, giving me a really friendly smile and has such twinkling eyes that I couldn't resist smiling back.
"Hi, it's nice to meet you." I said, barely able to contain my blush when she mentioned the blooper I made in class.
"And you know who I am," said Ram in a low voice. I smiled at him and noticed what deep, dark eyes he has, the kind that you dream about in romance novels of Prince Charming looking into your soul, mersmerising.
He turned and looked at the guy on his left. Strange that I have never noticed there was anyone sitting there.
A short, small-build fellow, with clean-shaven face and eyes that look straight at you as though he has nothing to fear.
"I'm Roy." He managed a small smile and went back to his quiet, expressionless demeanor.
"Hi," I said quietly. Just then, Cheryl laughed.
"Oh he's always like that. Don't be bothered with him. Come on, let's go get lunch. I'm hungry."
I wish I could dismiss his manner as easily as Cheryl. I can't help but think about what did I do wrong to make Roy angry or something. He certainly didn't seem to like me as a friend as much as the others. -
Chapter 3
*Riiiiiiiiiiinnnngggggg*
Oops, that's the phone and I'm not ready!!
The week seemed to fly past so fast that I didn't realise it was Friday already. And with all that excitement of getting to know Cheryl, Ram (dear, dear Ramazan...), and meeting them for lunch everyday that I can't really believe that Friday is already here!
"Are you getting that?" a bespectacled girl with long hair and small voice asked.
"Yes! Sorry, Drew." Drew is my new roommate and seems pretty OK. A quiet sort of girl that spends practically every minute of her waking moment studying and that is up till 2 am in the morning. Wonder if she ever has any fun?
"Hello," I said as I picked up the phone.
"Hi babe. Are you ready to go?" A low, masculine voice answered on the other end of the line.
"Ram! Oh.... just give me a couple more minutes and I'll meet you in the carpark."
"Going out late tonight?" Drew asked, just as I put down the receiver.
"Yeah," I said. "Meeting up with the guys for dinner and probably go pub-hopping after that."
Was it my imagination or did Drew roll her eyes? I couldn't be sure but the latter sure didn't sound happy to have a roommate that goes out late every night. GreatÂ… first Roy doesnÂ’t care a hoot whether he stepped on my toe every time I see him and now my roommate is going to be another difficult-to-handle person. Good thing that I still have the rest of my social life intact with Cheryl and Ram.
Noticing that my "couple of minutes" was nearly up, I grabbed my bag and stepped out of the room, glad to be released from the pressure-cooker for the night.
I walked to the carpark to see Ram, handsome in his black shirt that showed off his biceps, standing next to a sporty red Mazda.
"Come on, gorgeous," he said, smiling his irresistible smile.
Me? Gorgeous? That's a first, and it sounded great hearing it from Ram. This is certainly going to be a happening evening... -
Chapter 4
I opened my eyes to the mid-noon light shining through the windows. Is it noon already?? Have I truly slept that long?
I closed my eyes and tried to think about last night. It was a complete blur...
We were partying at Velvet Underground, as we did every Friday since the first week of school. Then, Cheryl insisted on treating me to a Flaming Lambrogini for my birthday. I vaguely remember drinking and swallowing a thick, sweet mixture and then, everything else after that came in a montage of flashing disco lights, booming music and shadows. Ram's shadow.
He was attentive, more so than over the past month since I've known him. I could barely feel his arms wrapped around my shoulders, protecting me, showering me with sweet words of reassurance and asking me how I felt.
I felt my cheeks starting to flush as I thought about the way he brushed his finger on my cheek, as he bent to kiss me for the first time. Hesitant at first, tender and passionate later....
Feeling a headache coming on, I opened my eyes and suddenly, everything seemed clearer.
Wait a minute... since when did I have a poster of Jennifer Lopez hanging on the wall in front of the bed?
Just as I turned to look around, a deep voice sounded beside me, "Good morning, babe."
Oh my god! What have I done? Where am I?
I turned to the voice to find Ram lying on the bed beside me.
Sound of keys jingled outside the door as it was unlocked and opened. Ram and I sat up from bed and looked towards the door. I heard Ram curse under his breath as a shadow stepped into the room.
"What the...." the shadow said. With those words, I had the shock of my life as I realised who just came in. Cheryl.
What is going on? Why does Cheryl have keys to Ram's room? What is she doing here?
She launched her attack before I had time to think. "Pat! How could you!"
I was stunned. I never knew that Ram and Cheryl were a couple. How was I to know? And even if I did, I was drunk!
"Cheryl, I..."
"You b.itch! How dare you sleep with HIM!? I thought you were a good friend but you turned out to be worst traitor! How dare you sleep with MY boyfriend!"
"What? Ram's your boyfriend?"
"You s.lutty b.itch! Don't you dare pretend you didn't know!"
I truly didn't. But I didn't have time to explain before she hit me across my cheek with a hard, tight slap. It would have been worse if Ram had not leapt out of bed and restrained Cheryl from doing more.
"Get out of here," she screamed. "Get out of my sight! I don't ever want to see you again! You #%#!! Get OUT!"
I wanted to explain that I was drunk and knew nothing about what happened. But I couldn't. Shamefaced, I put on my clothes and ran out of the room as Cheryl continued to hurl insults at me.
As I ran down the stairs, i could barely control the tears streaming from my eyes. I couldn't understand what was going on, why it happened and how. I couldn't think straight. I felt deeply hurt with Ram's actions and Cheryl's words.
Seeing the door to my own room was a relief so strong that it overwhelmed me. I sobbed breathlessly as I struggled with the lock and opened the door to my refuge. Good thing that Drew had gone home for the weekend.
I slammed the door shut, collapsed onto my bed and cried my heart out. -
Chapter 5
I wished I were dead.
I couldn't bear the thought of seeing Cheryl and Ram and the rest of the gang in school today. My feet felt like stone as I made my way to the canteen. The weekend had seemed like an eternity of torture.
Drew came back last night to see me staring into space on my bed.
"What happened to you?" she asked. "Didn't hang out with your friends tonight?"
I couldn't bring myself to say anything and managed only a slight shake of my head. Drew looked at me with a strange expression on her face and decided that I was better left alone. She then packed her homework and spent the night with my neighbor, Maggie.
I looked up from my feet to see the usual buzz of people walking around, chatting, laughing with their friends in the canteen. I sneaked a glance at the table where we usually meet to find nobody there. Slightly relieved, I walked towards the lecture theatre.
As I entered through the door, I couldn't help but notice a hush from the noisy class. Then the whispers began. I looked around to see my classmates huddled in small groups of three or four, all looking at me with a strange expression and whispering among themselves. Some of them pointed at me, while others smirked as I walked towards my seat.
They knew. They knew what happened and I'm the culprit. I felt a sense of helplessness and rage that why was I the culprit when I had been a victim myself?? I was date raped for heaven's sake, I thought.
More tears threatened to flow from my swollen eyes and I could feel the pressure of their stares weighing me down at the shoulders.
I needed to get out of here. I needed help! Is there anyone to help me??
Just then, I felt someone sit down beside me. A tissue was thrust into my hands. I accepted it with thanks and tried to dry my tears as a quiet male voice said, "Just ignore them. I know you were the real victim."
I looked up to see the last person I had expected to see on a situation like this. Roy. -
Chapter 6
It has been three weeks since that fateful day in Ram's room and the rumours have started to fade away. The only thing that hasn't faded is reality... and boy it bites hard.
I still can't bear the poisonous looks Cheryl gives me every time I'm within 5 metres of her presence.... and I don't know what has happened to Ram. He seemed to have disappeared and I didn't dare ask the rest, for they are bound to know what has happened from Cheryl. And I couldn't help asking myself whether I was truly at fault..... Was it my fault? Has anybody stopped to ask about my feelings?
Every time I walk past their table towards the lecture hall, I could just feel the knives that Cheryl is dying to throw into my back... and the sneer on everyone's faces... except Roy.
He's an enigma, in a way. He still has that stone cold expression every time I see him, and I couldn't help but wonder why he had been so kind to me that day.
Gosh, I feel so lonely. Without friends, without anybody to hear my woes. Even Drew, who doesn't seem to pay attention to anything else other than homework, has heard and she's avoiding me like plague, moving out of the room to our next door neighbor. While some people will be glad to have the entire hostel room to themselves, I couldn't find any joy in the situation....
*Riiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnng*
Wait a minute. Was that the phone? Is it ringing, for once, for real??
*Riiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnng*
Jumping out of my stupor, I picked it up. It was silent on the other end.
"Hello?" I ventured.
"Hi, can I speak to Pat please?" a male voice said.
"Yes, speaking. Who is this?"
"Hi Pat. Roy here. There is something that I need to tell you. Can we meet for coffee?"
Caught by surprise, I couldn't answer. Is he a friend? or foe?
"Hello? Pat? You there??"
"Err.. yes. Sure. I'll meet you." I said.
"ok, see you at Coffee Bean in half hour's time. Bye"
And the line went dead. -
Chapter 7
For the fifth time, I stopped myself from stirring the cup of cafe mocha. One look at the hardly recognisable brown mix dissuaded me from drinking any more.
I looked up at the person sitting opposite the table.
Roy has resumed his cold expression which I find myself becoming familiar with. His eyes looked into a distant, as if he were looking at another world, another time.
"You had something to tell me?" I ventured.
He blinked, and looked surprised to see me. He sighed a deep sigh and took a long look at me.
"Do you want to hear a story?" he asked, out of the blue.
"Sure, if you feel like telling..." I said.
"Three years ago, there was a girl named Jas. Sweet, gentle and shy. Like you, she didn't have many friends. The only friends she had were a normal, quiet guy and the circle you know as well.... Cheryl, Ram....
"Cheryl is a friendly and sweet girl, a true friend once you get to know her... but I wouldn't say the same for Ram. Then, there came a time when Jas met with problems that she couldn't bear alone and was desperate for a helping hand. Her confidante, the quiet guy, was not around as he had been sent to Brunei for military training in NS. So she turned to her closest friend, CherylÂ…"
He paused, seeming to suppress another deep sigh.
"Cheryl provided great company and encouragement to her. And it was that fateful day when Cheryl decided to celebrate her birthday by going clubbing. Jas was persuaded to go along for the sake of Cheryl."
I could see that he was having difficulty continuing as his eyes squinted, as if at some painful thought.
"What happened to you, was exactly happened to Jas, three years ago. The quiet guy had treated Ram as his best buddy for years but by the time he came back, he found that Ram has betrayed him in the worst way possible. As you know by now, Cheryl feels deeply for Ram and turned on Jas the same way she turned on you. Much worse in fact... for she too has thought Jas was her best friend. Ram apologised to the quiet guy but never in his imagination did he realise that the latter has overheard his horrible jokes about the event to his other guy friends. Neither did Ram realise how fragile Jas was, that she felt so ashamed that she couldnÂ’t bear to face her parents. In the end, the pressure was too much for her.....and she eventually committed suicide.....";
He swallowed, and managed to say "In her dying note, she said she was sorry to the quiet guy and though she felt for him, she could hardly continue her life thus in shame....."
He blinked and looked away.... and at this moment, I noticed that his eyes were wet.
"That quiet guy was you?" I asked.
He couldn't speak, but barely nodded.
"but how could you still be friends with him?" I was incredulous.
He didnÂ’t answer but for a split second, his eyes shone with such viciousness and anger that it almost turned my blood cold.
“I hope you are stronger than Jas….” He said after a while, trailing off mid-sentence.
Me? Suicide? I don’t really know. The past month had felt like hell but killing myself had never crossed my mind. I shook my head and offered a weak smile: “No, I wasn’t thinking of killing myself.”
Roy sighed in relief. Seeing that Roy has fallen into his deep, sad silence again, I decided it was time to leaveÂ…. -
Chapter 8
Minutes after I was back in my room, the door opened. Drew, carrying a huge load of books and notes, seemed to have difficulty seeing where she was going. Rushing to her aid, I took some of the books off the top of the stack and she muttered a quiet “Thank you.”
I smiled, for this was the first time Drew has spoken to me in weeks! ItÂ’s bad enough that my so-called friends have landed me in dirt but worse if I had to live with someone who considers me Public Enemy #1.
“So, how are you?” I asked, attempting to make conversation and improve on our acquaintance.
Drew put down her books on her study table, turned and looked at me, uncertainly.
“I’m ok.” She paused, unsure whether to continue the chat. “What about you?”
“Guess I’m still alive…” I said with a sigh. “Sorry if I brought you any trouble.”
“No, none at all…. It’s just that I’ve been hearing some unkind things being said about you in school…”
“It’s alright. I understand. It was partly my fault, I guess, for having a crush on the wrong guy.”
“But they said you slept with him…” She argued, and stopped, realizing that she may have said the wrong thing.
“That, is technically incorrect,” I said, feeling anger welling up inside me again. “I was drunk and he took advantage of me. His girlfriend came into the room the next morning and started scolding me and calling me names, and….”
I donÂ’t know why. Maybe I was desperate for an understanding ear to listen to me. In a torrent, I related the whole incident to Drew, who listened with increasing interest. On one hand, it was good that IÂ’m making headway in getting on better terms with her, but on the other, it saddens me that it takes a crisis like this for us to communicate with each other.
And the past month had been such a horrible time for me that it felt good to be in the company of friends again. I sighed in relief as Drew put her arm around me, offering what comfort a friend can giveÂ… -
Chapter 9
It's been more than a month since Drew and I bonded as friends and exams are drawing too damn near to spare a thought for anything else. All those weeks of skipping class with Cheryl and Ram have now begun to show effects. I couldn't understand a single thing I was reading for next weeks' paper! Taking a deep sip of the piping hot black coffee I made, I sought to clear my head so that I could cramp more nonsensical theories in my feeble brain.
"Pat!" Drew called excitedly, bursting through the room door. "YouÂ’ve got to see this!"
"What? What is it?" I asked.
It was a sweet teddy bear stuffed in a mug full of potpourri and hugging a cassette tape. On the cover of the tape were written the titles of all my favorite rock ballads. Stuck on the mug was a beautiful blue card addressed to me. For a moment, I was stunned. What is happening? Who is it from? I thought.
"IsnÂ’t it sweet? Go on, open the card and see who it is from!" Drew insisted
I took the card off the mug and opened it. Inside, written with in a neat script, was a poem:
Dear Pat,
When skies grow dark and heavy storms rage,
And you feel trapped as a bird in a cage,
Feel no fear for help is near,
From a heart whose love for you is clear,
Who will set you free to fly the skies
Whose only wish is to see a smile in your eyes
Rest assured that well is all,
For IÂ’ll be there to break your fall.
All the best and good luck for the exams!
Roy
“That’s so sweet of him!” Drew exclaimed, with a mischievous, suggestive twinkle in her eye.
I blushed. “I’m sure it’s nothing more than a friendly encouragement. After all, I think he knows I’ve been skipping class with Ram and Cheryl and how much I’ve missed in class…”
“We’ll see.” Drew smiled and looked at me meaningfully.
It was a huge surprise as I recalled our last conversation in which he told me the story about Jas. And though he has been giving me tuition on my subjects, I have never seen any hint that he thought of me as any other than a friend. But in my heart, I admit I was touched by this gesture and a part of me wanted this to be more than just a friendly encouragementÂ…. -
Chapter 10
A month had passed since I got the little gift from Roy and despite his well wishes, things didnÂ’t look very hopeful for me. I barely scrapped through my exam papers as I was too distracted to study most of the time. I felt such relief as I stepped out of the exam hall five minutes ago, after my last paper.
I shook my head, tired of starring at my own reflection in the mirror. I turned on the tap and began splashing water on my face. Just as I was about to leave the toilet, a sob came from the last cubicle. That was strange. I didn't even notice that somebody was in there.
I stopped walking and listened more intently. More sobs rose from behind the cubicle door. I walked closer, with the courage that I wouldn't have given the same situation happening in the middle of the night.
I stopped outside the cubicle and listened. Someone is crying, and quite badly too, from the sounds I heard. I pushed gently on the door and found it locked. Finding no other way, I knocked gently on the door.
"Hello? Are you alright?" I asked.
The sobs came to a sudden halt.
"Who is it?" A distraught voice asked. "What do you want?"
"My name is Pat." I said. "I heard you crying and thought you might need some help."
"I don't need any help, from anyone!" She retorted.
With that, the door swung open and standing there, face streaked with tears, is Cheryl.
"I will never need any help from you, even if you were the last person alive!" She said angrily.
I was stunned. I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to run away in shame and the other part wanted to stand my ground and tell her the truth.
Cheryl took a step towards the sink and suddenly, she was falling to her knees. I could barely reach out in time to grab her arms before she fell. How weak she is! I realised when her limp arms tried to pull away from my grip.
"Please, you are too weak. Let me help you." I pleaded.
Frustrated with her futile efforts to push me away, she relented. I helped her to a seat at the study bench outside the exam hall and as she sat, I noticed that tears were still flowing down her cheeks.
Something drastic must have happened to her, I thought. And I felt sorry for her.
I took out some tissue and handed it to her, which she accepted reluctantly and tried to dry her tears.
Taking a seat on the bench across the table, I asked, "Cheryl, are you alright?"
She shook her head slightly and more tears fell. I waited patiently as she tried to stop her tears. Gradually, her sobbing abated and she turned to look at me. I was bracing myself from another barage of insults and retorts from her but to my surprise, her expression showed that she felt no anger at that point.
"Pat," she said, swallowing, as if she had difficulty continuing the sentence.
"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to be so nasty to you."
My jaw dropped when I heard her say these words, I couldn't believe my ears. Before a word could come out from my lips, she started to pour out her sorrows to me.
"Pat....I knew it was really mean of me to tell everyone about what had happened to you. But I was really blinded by anger that day. I thought we could be best of friends and I was very hurt by the thought that you have betrayed me."
When she said these words, tears started to flow down her puffy eyes like a running tap once again. I was aching to tell her the truth but perhaps drowning in my pitiful emotions for her I didn't utter a word. I knew that no matter what I say now, what's done is done. I merely kept quiet with my head bowed.
”It’s alright. It doesn’t matter now…” I assured her. Despite my reassurances, her tears did not stop.
Worried for her, I asked gently: “What happened? Why are you so upset now?”
And it was after much hesitation that Cheryl began her storyÂ… -
Chapter 11
“Ram dumped me…. Can you believe that? After everything that I’ve gone through for him?” Cheryl looked at me with pleading eyes.
I didnÂ’t know what to say because I didnÂ’t really know everything that has happened in their relationship.
“4 years of relationship… and every time he strayed, I wanted to end it all, and he would beg me to take him back. The times I’ve been betrayed by him, the times I’ve put up wit his dallying…and apparently all that was for naught!” with that, Cheryl broke into tears again.
“And now he has dumped me, pointing fingers at me for being unfaithful? How could he say that? How DARE he say that?? When the baby is his!!”
Shock rocked through me. A baby? RamÂ’s baby? Cheryl is having RamÂ’s baby? What is she going to do?
I was stunned. I couldnÂ’t speak and what spare comfort and reassurance I could offer Cheryl earlier evaporated in an instant.
Cheryl couldnÂ’t stop crying. Helplessly, she clung onto me and drenched my shoulders in her tears.
“Anything that I can help?” a gentle male voice sounded behind me. Roy!
Taking a quick look at Cheryl and me, Roy sensitively suggested that we should go somewhere more private to talk. With Roy supporting the weak Cheryl, we walked back to the hostel.
As we walked back to my room, I kept thinking about the ordeal that Cheryl is going through. What can she do? How can we help? How will her parents react when they find out? HowÂ…?
As my mind reeled in turmoil, I was glad that Roy showed up. Quiet, sensitive and reliable, heÂ’s like the knight in shining armor, appearing wherever there is needÂ…. -
Chapter 12
I sat there waiting uncomfortably, feeling 4 pairs of eyes looking at me. The nurses saw me look up and went back to sorting their patient records. I glanced around and the two expecting women sitting in the clinic hastily found some magazines to occupy their attention.
I glanced around as I waited impatiently for Cheryl, shifting in my seat and trying not to look at the posters of healthy babies that plastered the walls. Cheryl has gone into the doctorÂ’s office for a long, long time and I was beginning to be worried about her.
The door opened and Cheryl walked out, looking pale and miserable. Speechlessly, she took a seat next to me on the waiting bench.
“What happened? What did the gynae say??” I asked.
“Oh Pat… what shall I do? I can’t let my parents know about this but abortion seems like such an awful thing to go through? The doctor showed me a video, about abortion, and you know what? I’m feeling so guilty that I don’t think I can go through it! I’m killing a life if I go for abortion! I simply can't go through this... and how can I afford it? I don't have any savings and I can't borrow money from my parents for this too! What shall I do?” Cheryl asked helplessly.
I didnÂ’t know what to say nor how to advise her. I could only look on and wait patiently as she attempts to rationalize her decision.
“But Ram doesn’t want me anymore and even if he does, I don’t think this will work out. I can’t bring a baby to this world where it will suffer even more with ill-prepared parents such as us. And how will the child live with the fact that he was unwanted, born out of wedlock? How will we survive? I can't support the baby on my own... and I can't get my parents to help! No! Giving birth to the child and letting it suffer such a life is even crueler than anything else.”
At this point, Cheryl looked at me. “Pat, please, help me. Tell me that it is right to abort the child. I need your support right now.”
I couldn’t answer. I stared at her in disbelief that she wanted me to condone her act. I drew a deep breath and then said: “Look, it’s still early. Barely two weeks old. You don’t have to decide whether to abort it now, do you? Why don’t you take a week to think about it?”
A mixture of relief and disappointment showed on CherylÂ’s beautiful face. She nodded silently and waited for the nurses to finalise her documents.
As we walked silently from the gynaeÂ’s office, Cheryl was exceedingly silent and deep in thought. Her internal struggle to come to a conclusion was apparent, for she barely noticed it when we reached her hostel. She was still so deep in thought that she didnÂ’t notice someone standing at her door.
Dressed elegantly in a jacket suit with her hair in all the right places, the middle-aged woman looked out of place on the hostel corridor. Her long fingers bent and clenched lightly into a fist as she knocked on CherylÂ’s door. Just then, she noticed us walking towards her.
“Cheryl, where have you been?” She said in slightly stern voice, annoyance creasing her elegant features.
Cheryl looked up and in horror she exclaimed. “Mom…!” -
Chapter 13
Cheryl kept her head low throughout, as her mother kept her stern eyes on her. I tried to be as inconspicuous as I can in the room but every now and then, I could almost sense CherylÂ’s urge to seek rescue from me. After quite a while, her mom seemed to have given up and sighed heavily.
“Cheryl, Cheryl… while I’m glad you’ve put on a bit of weight, making yourself look healthier, I’m worried about you. You haven’t been home for months and you have even stopped calling home these past three weeks. Is everything alright? Are you coping well?”
She sipped her coffee impatiently as she waited for CherylÂ’s response.
“I’m fine mom…” Cheryl stammered… and sort of whimpered into silence again.
Taking a long look at her daughter, she slipped into deep thought, stirring her cup of coffee subconsciously.
“Sigh… Cheryl dear. I’m glad so long as you are okay…. I know I have been busy with work and didn’t really spend as much time with you as I would have liked, but ultimately, what I’ve always wanted for you is that you’ll be happy….”
Tears threatened to flow over the brim of CherylÂ’s eyes. She bowed her head even lower, not speaking a word. Under the table, I reached over and gave her hand a comforting squeeze. She looked up at me, as if pleading for advice.
“Do what is best. She cares.” I mouthed the words to her as her mom took another sip of the coffee.
Cheryl gave a small shake of her head and looked down at her hands again.
“Well… if everything is fine, then I should get going…” Cheryl’s mom got up to leave.
Seeing no response from Cheryl, I got up to open the door for her. Just then, Cheryl looked up.
“Mom, I’m sorry!” She cried. With that, Cheryl broke into sobs.
Puzzlement crossed her momÂ’s face. Reeling from shock and uncertain what happened to cause this breakdown, she could only stretch out her arms to hug her daughter as the latter cried uncontrollably.
Seeing that it is best to leave them alone, I quietly left the roomÂ….. -
Chapter 14
A day after CherylÂ’s mom visited her in the hostel, Cheryl moved home. And yesterday, Cheryl finally gave me a call, after leaving me in suspense for a whole week.
“Hi Pat,” she said, sounding much happier and at peace now over the phone.
“Hi Cheryl, you sound much better. How are things?” I asked.
“Thanks for sticking by me during that awful time. I told my mom everything, and instead of scolding me, she was very supportive and understanding. It took me by surprise too, but she convinced my dad to be supportive as well.”
“That’s great!” I said, feeling all the happiness for her.
“Yup… and after consulting my parents, we decided that I should still go for the abortion… and my parents have already applied for my transfer of school. After the holidays, I’ll be starting my new term in Melbourne instead.”
“Really? I mean… while I’m happy you’ve got things sorted out with your parents…”
“Yup… I think the transfer will be for the best… But I’ll definitely keep in touch with you! We’ve grown to be such close friends and I will surely miss you while I’m there!” she said.
I smiled at the recollection, in my heart wishing Cheryl all the best as her life takes on a new page with her parentsÂ’ loving support.
Squinting at the clock, I stretched myself on the bed. Gosh... it feels so good to be home.
After months of staying in the hostel, I sure missed Mom's cooking and all the comforts of not having to do my own chores. Not to mention the occasional jests and irritation from Kenny, my younger brother.
"So when are you going to wake up, brush your teeth and have lunch?" Mom asked, yelling from the kitchen.
Stretching my arms, I looked around the familiar bedroom that I have woken up in for 20 years.
"Coming, Mom..." I grumbled sleepily. It's noon. How long has it been since I woke up this late?
Dragging myself to the bathroom, I took a quick shower and went to the kitchen. Mom was watching tv in the living room and everyone else was out.
"Morning, Mom." I said.
"Morning?" she said. "It's noon already! Really wonder what you do in school that makes you so sleepy-head.";
Thinking back of the past semester, I merely shook my head with a smile.
"Oh, by the way, your friend called."
I looked up from the dinner table, surprised. Why didn't I hear the phone ring? Who could that be? Everyone has gone home to enjoy family time, so who would be calling me early in the morning??
"It's a guy," Mom said, coming to sit beside me at the table. I looked at her and saw her looking at me intently, a smile playing at the corners of her lips.
"Is it your boyfriend?"
I hoped not. It's been months since I've walked away from Ram and I sure hoped he wasn't the one who called.
"What's his name?" I asked.
"Can't remember lah. All you youngsters have such wierd English names that I can hardly pronounce. Think it was Loy or Ray or something...” she said, trying to remember the name.
Roy?? Why did he call? What happened? I wonderÂ… Still in a daze and pondering on the reason for the call, I noticed a spread in front of my eyes calling out to me. It wasn't really a spread with lots of dishes and all but Mom had whipped up my all-time favorite, mashed potatos and beef lasagne. The aroma filled my nostrils and my stomache was growling from the long sleep. I dug in and ate like a monster.
It was a truly satisfying meal. With so much thought and love put into whipping up my lunch, I could see Mom smiling widely, with her gums showing when I said,' Thanks Mom! It was the best lunch I ever had since I left for school.'
Remembering the call from Roy, I gave Mom a big hug and strolled towards the phone.
'Hi, It's Pat here? I was still in dreamland when you called. Did anything happen?' I said with a tinge of doubt and a worried heart.
'Oh! No, all's fine. You called just in time. I will be around your neighbourhood to get some necessities that my Mom needed. So......I was wondering if you wanna meet up for coffee?' Roy replied with a quivering voice.
We agreed to meet up in an hour's time at the Starbucks cafe near my house. I can't understand why I am euphoric and at the same time, tognue-tied after setting up the appointment with Roy. I didn't stop to ponder upon this emotion but went straight up to my room and picked out my favorite sun-dress.
'Mom! I'll be out for coffee with a school friend, will be back soon!' I shouted across the living room.
'Be careful!' a faint sound came from the kitchen and the door was shut behind me. Walking towards the cafe seemed like a breeze today despite a 15min walk under the scorching sun. Soon, I spotted someone who looks like Roy but I wasn't absolutely sure. I continued my light-hearted steps towards the empty table in the veranda. I was glancing around the cafe when I heard a gentle voice.
'Pat?' Roy called and I trailed the sound to familiar stranger. I was dumb-founded. It was Roy in his casual beach wear and he never looked more gorgeous. He had newly found skin just within a few days. His hazel-colored eyes were a perfect match to his bronze and toned body.
'Hi! I couldn't recognise you with this makeover you had.' I walked gracefully towards the table with a racing pulse and sat down with wearing a big smile on my face. As he ordered drinks, I was silently glad that he called.
'It's great to be home isn't it?!' Roy exclaimed with an alluring smile.
I nodded and noticed that he was looking at me with those intense eyes. I could feel my cheeks exploding in flames........ -
Chapter 15
“So… what have you been doing after the exams?” I asked, suddenly shy as I realized Roy was still looking at me.
“Huh? Oh! I just came back from a camping trip with some secondary school kids. Been helping them in their studies as a mentor and joined them for a week-long camp at St John’s Island last week.” He replied with a smile.
I guess that explains the great suntan. It gave him such a healthy glow that almost made him dashingly handsome.
“How have you been?” he asked. I didn’t know where to start or what to tell him… after all a lot of things did happen over the past few weeks. Bit by bit, I told him about Cheryl’s breakdown, her mom’s visit and her start of a new life overseas.
Roy was exceedingly quiet after everything I said. He sat immersed in his thoughts for a long while, before seeming to break out of it and took a sip of his coffee.
“Enough of this depressing stuff,” he said at last. “It’s still early in the afternoon, and if you’ve got nothing else to do, shall we catch a movie?”
What? An impromptu date? I could almost feel my blood rising to my cheeks, threatening to turn them absolutely pink! Yet, I couldn't resist.
“Sure, why not? What is good that is showing now?” I asked. Roy shrugged his shoulders and for a moment, he looked kind of boyishly mischievous, I thought.
We got out of the café and went to the movie Cineplex to check out the schedules. Just in time for the afternoon screening of Tomb Raider 2, we quickly grabbed the tickets, a drink and some popcorn, and went into the theatre.
The movie was good, and had pretty good action and an interesting plot. But half the time, I was so distracted that I couldnÂ’t remember the story! The feeling of his warmth next to me, the brush of his shoulders against mine as we leaned close to whisper to each other our comments about the show, the scent of his perfume. I could almost feel an irresistible urge to grab his hand, to lean my head on his shoulder.
The lights came on at the end of the show and I found myself speechlessÂ… and reluctant to move from my seat. I was reluctant to leave being so close to Roy. The cleaners came in to clear the theatre and we had no choice but to leave.
“You know something…” Roy said as he stood up from his seat. “That was a really enjoyable movie, despite it being my second time watching it.”
“Second time?” I asked in surprise. “Why would you want to watch the show a second time if you have seen it? You should have told me earlier and we’ll watch something else!”
“Well… I saw it with the kids I went camping with… and Drew too, your roommate. She’s one of the mentors as well.” He explained.
Walking beside me as we exited the cinema, he added: “And it’s not a matter of how many times I've watched it. It’s a matter of who I’m watching it with.”
With that, he turned and looked at me meaningfully, with a smile at the corners of his lips. My heart fluttered at his words and I could feel the growing warmth within me, spreading from my heart to my limbs. Bracing myself to meet his gaze, I looked up and gave him a shy smile.
Just as we turned around a corner towards the lift lobby, we were greeted by the sight of a person that neither one of us wished to see. There, standing next to the lift, with his hand on the wall enclosing the girl that he was talking to, was RamazanÂ… -
Chapter 16
I stopped in my tracks, suddenly unwilling to share the same lift as Ram. Ram turned around and saw Roy and I standing there. I thought I saw a smirk appear at the corner of his mouth as he looked at us.
“Hi there, brother. Out on a date?” Ram asked. I thought he sounded sarcastic. Why in the world would I think he was handsome in the beginning? Why is it that he looked so sinister and ugly now?
Roy didnÂ’t answer but I could sense him tensing up, as though a deep hatred and anger was reaching boiling point within him.
Seeing RoyÂ’s expression, Ram looked at the girl he was with and shrugged his shoulders.
“Come on… don’t look at me like that. It just didn’t work out between me and Cheryl… things happen and life moves on,” Ram said lightly.
In a flash, Roy grabbed RamÂ’s collar and threw a fist into his cheek. Ram fought back and pushed Roy away from him.
“What the hell…are you crazy or something?” Ram yelled, staring at Roy in disbelief.
“You know what you did. You drove Jas to her death and made Cheryl miserable. And you had the cheek…” Roy yelled back.
“I drove Jas to her death? She took her own life!” Ram retorted. “And you know what? She wouldn’t have done it if it were not for your holier-than-thou self-righteousness! Ask yourself! If you had not avoided her phone calls! If you had been more understanding and sensitive to her feelings instead of scolding her for being cheap and avoided her like a plague, would she have been so devastated and desperate to kill herself?”
Spitting out those words in disgust, Ram shook his head and said: “Have you ever thought that I loved Jas truly? Obviously not… because you thought only about your own feelings. And she thought only about you. Don’t you ever dare talk to me about Jas.”
Looking at me, Ram's expression softened and he said: “Sorry we didn’t work out. Take care of yourself, will you?”
With that, he turned, grabbing the hand of the girl he was with, and left.
I stood there amidst the crowd, dumbfounded. I didnÂ’t notice the people standing around, gossiping about what happened and pointing fingers. In fact, I didnÂ’t care.
I looked at Roy and searched his face. I wanted him to tell me that what Ram said wasnÂ’t true. I wanted him to tell me that Ram was the real jerk and came up with all those lies. But Roy only stood in silence, head down, deeply hurt and angry. After a while, he just turned and walked away.
“Wait!” I called out to Roy, as I ran to catch up with him. “Are you alright?”
He paused in his tracks and looked at me. The struggle of anger, shame and guilt was apparent on his face.
'I'm really sorry to let you see this and I've got to fly. I'll call you again tonight.' He forced a smile at the corner of his lips and left.
My blissful day thus abruptly concluded, leaving me in deeper confusion and internal turmoil on what to think about Ram, Roy and everything else that happened since school began. Why did all these happen to me? Why me? These were questions I couldnÂ’t help asking myself and I was still thinking of them when I reached my front doorÂ… -
Chapter 17
It was already 2am in the morning when I put down my favourite storybook and he hadn't called me yet. I was getting kind of worried when the phone rang. I raced to pick up the call before it awakened my whole family.
'HiÂ…ermÂ… Sorry for not calling earlier.' Roy said in a husky voice.
'ItÂ’s ok. I hope youÂ’re feeling fine now.' I said, trying to sound as understanding as I could, while resisting the temptation to let my curiosity take control.
“No, it’s not ok…” he insisted. “I’m really sorry… about what happened today, about the things you heard…”
I couldnÂ’t keep quiet anymore. I had to know!
“Was it true then?” I asked. “Was Ram telling the truth about Jas?”
There was a long pause. I could almost hear a pin drop a mile away. Roy breathed a heavy sigh, as if unsure what to say next.
“In a way, yes…” he said hesitantly. “When it happened, I couldn’t accept the fact, and I turned my back on Jas when she needed me most. It devastated her and she took her life… and her death dealt me such a blow that I started blaming everything, everyone, including myself. But I didn’t dare let myself remember that… I had been in denial all this while and I know I’ve done wrong. I should have faced up to it long ago…”
I sighed. It was a hard truth to swallow. After seeing how Roy was being understanding and sensitive all this while, it was tough believing that he had caused JasÂ’ suicide, one way or another.
“Pat…” Roy hesitated before breathing another deep sigh. “Pat… I’m truly sorry for what happened. And I’m really sorry if this will forever become a cause for estrangement in our... erm… friendship…”
“No, don’t think that way,” I said. “It’s not an issue at all. Everyone has got a past, right?”
“No, Pat, you don’t understand…” Roy interrupted me before I could offer any further assurances. “It is an issue, because I…”
“Because of what?” I asked.
“Because I really like you and I had hoped we will be more than friends!” He blurted out in a rush. “I know I’ve made a huge mistake, being in self-denial and all that, but I know that now and I know I can change that. I hope all this has not cast such a huge shadow on my character that you will never speak to me again…”
My continued silence encouraged him to go on, “Pat… please. Will you give me a chance? Can we try out something together?”
Suddenly I felt overwhelm with exhaustion. My thoughts and feelings in turmoil, the rational combating the emotionalÂ… Everything that IÂ’ve been through since the beginning of school flashed before me and it suddenly felt as if IÂ’ve lived through more than a lifetimeÂ’s worth of relationship problems.
“Pat, are you alright?” Roy asked.
I took a deep breath and tried to relax myself. “Roy, I’m fine… but I’m afraid I can’t answer you right now. Too much has happened and I need to think…”
“Sure, I understand,” Roy said, sounding a little disappointed as he did. “Erm… I think I should go now and let you have your rest.”
“Right, Thanks. Good night and sleep well.” I said and hung up my phone.
Indeed, too much has happened, and it is becoming too much for me to handle. True that I have grown to like Roy a lot over this period of time, but I really needed to calm myself down and thinkÂ…
Tossing and turning in my bed, I was still running through my warring thoughts and emotions as I drifted off to sleepÂ… -
Chapter 18 (The End)
ItÂ’s been more than a month since I last spoke to Roy and guess what? School is starting again. Boring lectures, assignments, homework.... but somehow, I'm feeling rather light-hearted today.
Having barely scrapped through my exams the previous semester, I set off for school with the resolution to study hard and do well this semester.
“Hi Pat, how was your holiday?” Drew asked from behind me.
I turned around and grinned at her. “Great… in fact, it’s never been better. What about you?”
“Well…” Drew blushed. Seeing her face turned beet red tickled me so hard that I didn’t realize Roy came up behind us.
“Hi there,” he said, with a polite smile.
“Hi, good to see you again.” I said. For a moment, he seemed embarrassed and at a loss for words.
“Alright, I’ll leave you two together,” I laughed and made my way to class on my own. Glancing back at them, I saw Roy and Drew walking to class together hand-in-hand.
Yup, it was a decision I made after much deliberating and IÂ’m glad I made it. Over the last semester, IÂ’ve been through too much ups and downs in relationshipsÂ… so much so that I felt as if I was lost and couldnÂ’t find myself. Roy is a nice guy but I couldnÂ’t bring myself to step into another relationship for the time being, much less someone who needs long-term commitment like Roy.
ItÂ’s time for me to calm down and find myself. That was what I told Roy, and he had difficulty accepting it too. But sensitive and understanding as he is, he soon saw my point.
Deep within my heart, IÂ’m thoroughly thrilled that Drew and Roy had found each other when they went to be mentors for the second childrenÂ’s camp that holiday. Perhaps it lessened my guilt at rejecting Roy, or perhaps I just think that they make a better couple than Roy and I would.
Anyway, itÂ’s a fresh semester. And everything needs a fresh beginning.
(THE END) -
By LazerLordz
My take on Literature
I adore Literature, I've been taking it since Sec 1 till The "A"-Levels.One thing to note, there are many teachers out there who can mangle a good script or a good piece of poetry due to their inability to feel for the writings.Literature involves your senses thoroughly and does not leave anything hanging out for others to guess.There is no guessing.You have your opinion, and you do your best to justify that opinion of yours.If its reasonable, you have a winner.If not, it will usually sound really out of place and its a clear sign that you ned to search deeper within.
I remember doing my "O"s and my "A"s with breakneck speed, where planning time is a luxury and it's also where I gained the valuable skill to analyse things very quickly and accurately.You tend to make links between seemingly disconnected ideas and they quickly form a nice, solid picture.For those who might think Lit is a morose and dead subject, you're wrong.On the contrary, it is a dynamic subject which will reward your language skills with the ability to see things beyond the surface and look beyond the facade that people often try to portray to you.
Literature is the study of human lives and condition.The sharp scythe that cleaves away the smoke of mediocrity and grey landscapes, to reveal the wonder that is hidden for many reasons.Perhaps if we all take the time to study each other, we will understand each other better.For civilised, analytical and comprehensive discourse amongst men is the only solution to conflict and bloodshed.Call me a liberal wimp if you might, but it's still the best tool today.You do not need to be strong in English, even any native language is a wonder.Let's not have this colonialist mind that perceives Literature that flows from the streets of Stratford-upon-Avon or the haze-induced travels of Allen Ginsburg as the pinnacle, as they are but insights into a culture which happens to be the predominant one today.Be insightful and I think we all do have a future.Atleast one we can survive as humans, not as beasts. -
By LazerLordz
LoveÂ’s little diversion
Hello world
From the day I was born, Im very sure that I've never done something regrettable.
Whimsical, naughty,silly,slightly evil..Yes.Regerettable....erm..No.
Therefore I shall keep my heart open.Never can I close my heart to her.
Sometimes, I feel like a fool, what if there are others out there who love me?
I ask myself, is she worth the pain and agony?Yes.
But if others want me to love them, prove to me that you are more worthy of the stinging acid burning through my
innocent heart.
Maybe then, things might change?For Rachel, she need not prove anything to me.
She has proven.My sorrow and baleful mourns have passed her with flying colours.
Rach, you told me you wanted to fly away to Japan or even to the Big Apple with me.We wanted to go to the rooftop of the Empire State Building and yell anything, like two schoolkids on summer vacation.
Its not too late.
Im not selfish.Just confident that you and I will not regret this in the long run.
No offence.You were meant to fly amongst the stars.Your heart tells me that.Believe it or not,
I see that in your eyes, the same ones that blessed my life one year ago in Changi Airport.
You'll be happy.
I promise.Seldom do i really do that.The best I can give, I will give.True love watches and waits.
Love rules. -
By LazerLordz
Life Through A Small Crack
Mike's SoliloquyÂ…Â…
It was so cool and bright twenty minutes before. Twenty, huh? More like bang-now!, I thought out loud. My closest friends share the same sentiments, the small pile of aggregate two cm from my left eye . Oh yeah, and that little dwindling patch of murky liquid beyond my cheek, looking like water but yet shimmering like the warm life-liquid that pours from my lips, a steady ebb and flow of the oral cavity that was my personal Normandy. My mind wants my arms to move just a teeny weensy bit but I presume the autobahns crisscrossing the Confederation of Spinal Republics are simply too caught up with the backlog of dead cells that nothing gets through. Ah well, since I can't move my arms, and my legs are trapped under some smoking ruin of metal stamped with 'Boeing' all over it, at least that's what I see; I shall just focus on that small hole near that dry wall, which looked pretty much like some giant pita bread and kebab set meal right now.
I have fond memories of that dry wall, once festooned with industrial stick-it notepaper, listing power lunches and high-flying hot dates from firms in TriBeCa and the Lower East Side. It had a life of its own, which is something I am going to be soon, a 'had' as opposed to a 'have'. But enough of the morbid %!!!. Okay, as I was saying, my personal trophy board was lined with JC Penney's gift paper that was reincarnated from its past life as a wrapper of a gift from Julia. GOD! Is Julia alright? OhÂ… I forgot, I'm a paraplegic, that's what Dr Ang would say, if he was still alive. I donÂ’t know anyone who would be alive except me, secured from imminent death by a temporary permit for future historians to use their fancy time-travel thingamajigs to peer at me and skin any goddamn residue of dignity off me. Bleedin' suckers for instantaneous historical gratificationÂ…..bunch of softies not thinking about the past but merely looking at it like goggle box addicts. God forgive me but I have this really bad feeling that the sonsof$#%&!es that did this will do it again. Am I right, you complacent future ninnies??? Still, I suppose I should get back to my dry wall instead of haranguing my descendants' peers about any bearded/clean-shaven mud/moon rock -slinging terrorist that might steal nutty Doc Chen's particle beam and shave a few kilometers off the top of Clarke's space elevators.
Speaking of elevators, my dry wall and the elevators had an intimate relationship going on. I remember when they wheeled my dry wall partition thingy in, the lifts were so full that six VIPs from upstate had to be offloaded and made to wait in the lobby before they could inspect our operations. I am so sure that the drywall had actually violated the basic principle of polite behavior amongst non-sentient wall furnishings when it was wheeled in and out a few times cuz the crew in loading wasn't quite sure who should go up first, a Ben Franklin lookalike or a off-white cork/chipboard combi drywall. I still think it was a ploy for us to clear up the junk on out tables before the head honchos could flick their cultured noses at our cheap cigarettes and stale pilsners. Those were the days, when you felt that you could make the big smackeroos, buy a Corvette with the works from ol'Jake, live the fast life, a filching hand in the betting kitty and never worry about religion till you were two hours past your expiry date. My life was a huge motif that was smeared across the drywall. Mr. Mori%!!!a from Japan placed a Mt.Fuji pin there as a sign of friendship, and I was driving a Lexus, go figure. Ah, the LexusÂ…Never was there a more silent mode of transport for all humanity unless you were talking about dead Toumei being dragged away by a saber-toothed tiger. Come to think of it, isn't it strange that you don't feel any pain in your teeth even though you have the rear engine nozzle of a Boeing triple seven plowed through where your supervisor once sat?
Something tangy sloshes through my dentures. I recognise the taste, it is the taste ebbing life. Keeling to one side, I gaze into the far corner of what was the office. The fuselage of the grey UA plane split open in the middle, and limp bodies hung like macabre manikins, attached to the smoldering seats by heat-resistant seat belts. SeatÂ…..beltsÂ…. ChrissyÂ…Tessa..my God what have I done!!?? It was 1979, summer. One interstate. Three people. One creaky Chevy Impala. Pot and Led Zep blasting from the stereo. Tessa and Christina, Chrissy for short, were my soulmates. Almost fell in love with Tessa, her smile and bright eyes. Three of us, CalTech natives in a cut-price Mustang, a Hemi450 short of flying into the warm summer sky. The sky was our frontier, cirrus clouds dreamily gliding past as we looked up at the setting sun on the Big Sur. I was always like one of those clouds, bright and wistful on the outside but often a seething rage and dark on the inside. My darkness seeped outwards after seeing Tessa's mangled corpse in the sterile, detached atmosphere of the morgue. Chris and I had lifted the covers , wanting to tear our eyes away but steely adjusted them back for the last duty that we could do for her, attaching a name to Jane Doe. Her eyes, they were alwaysÂ….soÂ…blue. Now, they were speckled with Â…..Noooo! I shake myself , maybe I didnÂ’t actually , due to severed nerve endings. Perhaps it is just a phantom sensation, shaped by decades of stretching my head in mid-witching hour marathon work sessions just three feet away.
This was simply endlessÂ….where was everyone? The rheumy eyes that now perched on my blistered and hemoglobin-stained face is presently becoming encrusted with the hot and wet residue that frequently threatens to burst forth likes a dam. Tears. That's what they are. Granddad used to blow up dams in Southern Europe for the resistance. A hero , well-loved and respected by the people around him, grateful for his blood-letting that washed the sins of Hitler off Europe's map. My blood, well, it merely congeals on the carpet , pooling into a kaleidoscope of Grandad's heroism, ol'Dad's callused hands which built our house back in the Appalachian Mountains, and my miniscule output of any real contribution to anyone, except as a corporate vulture that lived a sinful and commercial life. The planets of Money, Influence, and Pleasure had revolved around the Sol of my mind. Sweet ironyÂ… the things I would die for now seem to be the direct cause of my ebbing life. The agony is more or less a part of my landscape, like an irritating surgeon's scalpel that lies inside my churning stomach. I feel a familiar and reassuring vibration from my shirt pocket, which I think has been so for a while already. It's almost a blasphemy to sneak a glance at the small device which links me to the world while looking at my immediate world which I am slowly losing my connections to. I have tried too hard to look beyond and afar while forgetting that the smallest pleasures of life are to be found around the corner. Have I failed in this life or is my guilt derived from holier-than-thou concepts which I am trying to squeeze into my soul's schedule in the eleventh hour of my life? I yielded my chin to mouth the hallowed words of global western communication .The sloshing feeling in my mouth is getting heavier. The crack of light expands, heavenly air rushes in, sunlight too. It washes over me. The angels are hereÂ….
" Hello? " -
Julia's SoliloquyÂ…Â…
I have to admitÂ….Mike was sort of an on-off person. Someone who does not really know the status of his relationship with me. Six years. Greensboro to Manhattan, platonic to romanticÂ….and last week, back to plain old platonic again. The dust seems to swirl around me like a maelstrom of unfinished business and vacillating words which cluttered the air around us. My arms ache from the frantic finger-tapping on my cellphone. WHY?! WHY?! Is life meant to be a series of goddamn half-baked crumpets? Yeah, darn crumpets. Mine is now three blocks away buried under a soft mound of asbestos and cement aggregate, never to see the light of day and innocently marvel at the livery of its own being. Seems to me that the sooty stoop which my ass is parked on feels reassuringly solid and comforting. Life is such a dichotomy, the ragged looking, filled-with-dubious-stains stoop is a honest-to-goodness refuge from the crumbling steel and glass edifice of modern-day capitalism and global unity. From the corner of my eyes, I see people fleeing from a citadel of hope into an anonymous side alley whose dank, dark corners become lighthouses for the desperate. The light burns and the darkness soothes, our world hath become a paradise for satire on a global and a micro scale.
Have you ever seen the futility of life? I am looking at it right now. I see tumbling bodies, starkly disengaged from their surroundings, as alien to the morning air as the image of a burning skyscraper in downtown NYC, You look at the surreal motion of a body tumbling over and over and you feel that somehow for one instant ,anonymity and stardom, ..sob…., converge. It's like you don't even know who these people are yet the mere sight is likely to etch itself on your consciousness for a long time to come, akin to these poor souls taking up residence in you mind. I stare at them dumbfounded, scarcely noticing that I'm trembling heavily and that others are also like me, living statues lining the boulevard like a scene out of any penny comic, you know, when pesky Martians blast everyone with freeze-rays. Whap! Was that a punch? I'm too jaded to turn, body stiffened by fear. Somehow, I manage to twist my eyes from the smoky edifice and realize that the portly Arabic café owner is being assaulted vehemently by the stocky men that were just sitting across my table. Fists streaming with blood, these men hammered hurricane-like blows on the poor genial man who always had a kind word for every customer. He looks at me with eyes that accuse me and all of my white brethren with betrayal. The men look up at me, eyes burning with hate and vengeance. Vengeance…I remember that very well. Mike was the lead actor in that episode. He was at his competitive best, a keen master of Machiavellian principles. God.. I can’t continue….. it's too painful.
The phone still rings but no one picks it up. It must be all overÂ….my last chance to speak to Mike. I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since we spoke. Somehow our relationship was characterized by ambiguity. I would give anything to listen to that voice once more, but not even the Fates would grant me that. I cradle the phone to my ear, like a baby, the dust that encrusts its frame rubs against my ear, causing irritation, but I ignore the prickly feeling. If anyone is to see me know, they would see a hunched figure by the curb, solitary and slightly wacko, babbling and being very possessive of a well-used cellphone. It ringsÂ…ringsÂ…God Almighty! Mike,.. WHY DON'T YOU PICK IT UP?!!! .A click- "Hello?"
I swear the next thing I hear will forever be engraved in my psyche.
"JuliaÂ…is that you?" my phone crackled. I hear the rich and warm voice which was Mike.
There is a loud crack that reverberates in the smoky morning air. It gets smokier. Oh God..NO!
"Julia..it's Mike. Just Â…zztzzt..want..zzt.. to tell ya..I'll see you aroundÂ…."
I blubber and stare at the collapsing towers, unable to comprehend that I can reach out to Mike on a level consisting of radio waves and witness the 'live' and grotesque snuffing out of a life. It is too heart-wrenching. I mouth off a silent prayer for Mike and stand gape-mouthed , a living example of such intense sorrow and pain that paralyses you and keeps you in its thrall.