my little contribution
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hi guys~ i'm so awed by all the masterpieces i read awhile ago~its really enlightening and fun~
i too write poems myself during my free time but i'm never a good poet.Guess its because i'm never into literature before and studied the subj only when i'm forced too~~
So i hereby hope to post my first poem here inorder to get some useful feedbacks
The poems i wrote are the feelings i have either by watching tv shows or inspired by the harsh reality in the world.I'm young and perhaps naive too thus my poems may sound abit ignorant to u so please bear with it
A teary clown
Smiles and laughter filled the air,
as truth untold is never shared,
the painted face that always smiles,
with teary eyes,
hidden and not found,
pieces of puzzles joined together,
the final truth will soon uncover.
A love so strong that it aches deep in,
Looking at the scene that will never become me,
A song that plays for the lonely heart,
which is always there,
For the blind to see.
Wearing a mask,
She looks ahead,
Smiling towards her prince charming,
Whom i dare say is holding on,
To the love of his life,
the beauty queen.
If I were the teary clown,
IÂ’ll wipe off the mask which shows all smiles,
Looking ahead for my enchanted rose,
Who has eyes on me and no one else.
Bless the heaven,
He soon realize,
The bitter tears that is filled inside,
A new found love,
Slowly sips in,
Revealing the beauty that is kept unseen.
*this poem is inspired by a tv show i have watched long ago.Dun ask me why i wrote it,i dun know either~~
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Hey that's a great poem though in the beginning, it sounded a bit sad. I guess even though I don't really like depressing poems, they have a knack for making you feel much more emotion that the happy ones. Anyways, good job on this one and I look forward to more poems from you!
Post more now! -
Hello serash, I am so glad to see new poet in DPS. Thanks for posting here.
I have just read your poem, touching piece of work. I really like it, you have a very beautiful story to tell.
HmmÂ… just a suggestion, but you might try to reorganize your stanzas for a smoother flow. At the same time, donÂ’t focus too much on rhyming. A poem that doesnÂ’t rhyme can also be a great poem.
Just my two centsÂ…
Hope to see more of your poems here. -
By the way, which TV show is that?
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well,its just some kinda hongkong drama lah~~lol
btw,just something i have been pondering for a while...y most poem people compose are sad?And usually,only the sad poems will leave a deeper impression in people's mind...izzit because people tends to take forgranted the happiness around them and when these are gone,then they started to regret thus write poems to express their misery?~~
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wah solid... u sure tat's ur 1st attempt at poetry? see more of ur works here ok?!
btw maybe our next competition should be on the topic "happiness" or something....
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What? We have some sort of competition going on around here? lol sorry but I'm a noobie.
Serash, to answer your question, yes. I guess people tend to remember the sadder things in life instead of the happier memories and hence, many poets usually write about sad things.
Hmm...I never attempt to write a poem before and the last time I did, I was at a friend's house and we tried to cook up a poem together, stanza by stanza and it ends up horrible IMO. lol~[/quote] -
Yep.Sometimes if you attempt to construct something stanza by stanza, it comes out really stilted and wooden.Let the juices flow and the words slide..sometimes rhythm finds it's own equilibrium.
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wow~ so very the happy that u think the poem is ok heehee after looking at other poems people write,i feel like deleting this post ~~lolOriginally posted by tare:wah solid... u sure tat's ur 1st attempt at poetry? see more of ur works here ok?!
btw maybe our next competition should be on the topic "happiness" or something....
a competition?sigh~~happiness..it reminds me of new born babies..ya know,a parent's angel...well heehee bt i still dun know how to start..
phantasystar,y not u try out writing a poem too?it will be fun,u see,newbies should be encouraged to write so that u'll improve!! -
...serash, I can't help but notice your siggy at the bottom...it is so very familiar...did you copy and paste it from somewhere?
Ahem, asking me to try writing poem is like the chinese proverb, "Dui Nui Tang Qin". I'm sorry. As much as I enjoy reading and commenting on poems, I can't write it to save my life.
Ya but who knows for certainty, perhaps one fine day I'll write one and I'll definitely post it here so that everyone can have their fair share of laughs, ya? -
hehee... we just had a competition not too long ago... thinking we should have more to encourage "funny" poets like us....Originally posted by phantasystar:Ya but who knows for certainty, perhaps one fine day I'll write one and I'll definitely post it here so that everyone can have their fair share of laughs, ya? -
Originally posted by phantasystar:
What? We have some sort of competition going on around here? lol sorry but I'm a noobie.
Serash, to answer your question, yes. I guess people tend to remember the sadder things in life instead of the happier memories and hence, many poets usually write about sad things.
Hmm...I never attempt to write a poem before and the last time I did, I was at a friend's house and we tried to cook up a poem together, stanza by stanza and it ends up horrible IMO. lol~
Yup we had a competition a few months ago. May have another one in Nov / Dec.
It is not difficult to write poems, you just need to take the first step. -
...*changes topic*
serash! Any new poems from you?? -
ya,i have a new poem.its actually a happy one~~ well i hope it is to you.So please correct me cos i want this poem to be perfect cos its dedicated to someone.. btw,i'm wondering i should use "she" or "you"?btw,haven thought of the title...what abit Dreams?
*~ Dreams ~*
Dreaming of her,
i always have,
waking up in hope,
for she will be there,
but life is never,
simple it may seem,
for hope vanishes,
with every minute ticks.
A love cocoon,
so thick and strong,
built with tender,
and ever-lasting faith,
but never before,
i thought this way,
when the shield depletes,
and slowly fades.
i questioned my love,
where are you?
for you promised long ago,
protect me,
always
A warm voice heard,
familiar it is,
words sank deep,
providing comfort and relieve.
Oh my dear,
grandchild of mine,
the shield is still there,
just not in the light.
in my mind it will remain,
in my heart,
it stays.
Dreams of her,
forever it shall be,
for it is the only way,
she will be with me.
in my heart she's always there,
in my dreams,
she live. -
Beautiful. I feel it's somehow sad, yet happy. Bittersweet would be an ideal word to describe this. Hmm...I don't know much about poems so I don't think I should give you any advice to change certain things since I may just end up wrecking the whole poem. Anyways, it's already very well-done in my opinion. Good job!
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Originally posted by serash:
Hey serash nice write. You are getting better.
ya,i have a new poem.its actually a happy one~~ well i hope it is to you.So please correct me cos i want this poem to be perfect cos its dedicated to someone.. btw,i'm wondering i should use "she" or "you"?btw,haven thought of the title...what abit Dreams?
[b]*~ Dreams ~*
Dreaming of her,
i always have,
waking up in hope,
for she will be there,
but life is never,
simple it may seem,
for hope vanishes,
with every minute ticks.
A love cocoon,
so thick and strong,
built with tender,
and ever-lasting faith,
but never before,
i thought this way,
when the shield depletes,
and slowly fades.
i questioned my love,
where are you?
for you promised long ago,
protect me,
always
A warm voice heard,
familiar it is,
words sank deep,
providing comfort and relieve.
Oh my dear,
grandchild of mine,
the shield is still there,
just not in the light.
in my mind it will remain,
in my heart,
it stays.
Dreams of her,
forever it shall be,
for it is the only way,
she will be with me.
in my heart she's always there,
in my dreams,
she live.[/b]
Tell you what, I will try to rewrite this poem and see if you like it.
What do you think? -
okie great!lol,i wanna c wat u'll come up with
btw,guys,remember to watch spiderman2!! very nice!! -
Yeah!
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Hee hee i am working on it.Originally posted by serash:okie great!lol,i wanna c wat u'll come up with
btw,guys,remember to watch spiderman2!! very nice!!
Just want to u to let know it is not an improve version of ur poem. Only u can improve ur poem.
I am writing it according to my style, my version. Mine is not better than urs. -
hey,u sound pretty happy abt my will-be-improved poem huh~~Originally posted by LazerLordz:Yeah! -
thanx man,cos i want this poem to be good thus i wanna get all advise i can haveOriginally posted by DeadPoet:Hee hee i am working on it.
Just want to u to let know it is not an improve version of ur poem. Only u can improve ur poem.
I am writing it according to my style, my version. Mine is not better than urs. will love to look at your poem soon -
half way through ...Originally posted by serash:thanx man,cos i want this poem to be good thus i wanna get all advise i can have will love to look at your poem soon -
Okay serash, done.Originally posted by serash:thanx man,cos i want this poem to be good thus i wanna get all advise i can have will love to look at your poem soon
Again, this is not an improved version of your poem.
Yours is as good as mine.
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I have always dreamed of her
Waking up in anticipation
Hoping she will be there
Beside my bed Â…
But life is never so simple
For hope vanishes
With the passing of
Each second Â…
Your love is like a cocoon
So thick and strong
Built with tears and sweats
Moisturising us Â…
But IÂ’ve never thought
That this shield
Will depletes and slowly
Fades away Â…
Anguish scream pierces
The silent darkness
Where are you now?
Did you not look into my eyes
Promise to protect me Â…
AlwaysÂ… Remember?
Why donÂ’t you answer?
Where are you now Â…
And then I see a familiar face
Glowing in the dark
So warm and soft
And that voice Â…
One I truly miss
Fills the room
Providing comfort and relief
I cry Â…
Wipe away your tears
Sweet grandchild of mine
Look! The shield is still here
Just not in the light...
I am still around
And will always be
Protecting you from harm
Till eternity Â…
As she faded out of sight,
Leaving me alone again
Yet I feel her presence
In my heart and mind Â…
Now I long for the setting sun
And the embrace of HypnosÂ’s arms
For in my dreams
She lives Â…
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I decided not to concentrate so much on the rhyming except for the fifth stanza i.e. words spoken by the grandmother.
I have also divided the poems into three related sections using the last sentence of each stanza.
So we have ‘Each second … fades away’, ‘Where are you now … I cry’ and ‘Till eternity … she lives’.
Hope you will like it. -
well,it looks quite good..its like a further explaination to my poem.Making it sound more soothing and with more emotional feelings~heehee but i still like poems that rhyme.. .. btw, i dun get it..how come u emphasize on the last sentence in each stanza?
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Hee hee, I used to like only poems that rhyme. But as I start reading poems by complementary poets, I discover that unrhymed poems can be beautifully too.
Nowadays I go for the flow and the emotions aspect of a poem.
Well to each his own.