Lies - by da-cheese-freakk

• da-cheese-freakk

  11 Mar 09, 22:30

  FIRST POEM (outside from school)
  suggestions and comments please :D

   

  LIES

  A thousand words – eight wilted lines— all

  etched into my mind: of

  silhouettes and

  shaken dreams and fearful

   Lullabies

   

   

  A harping hope, a swaying sign, a

   feeble Hangul lie—

  a wide-eyed glance and

  burning cheeks for

  Cute Korean Eyes

   

   

  Cocky grins and ruffled hair--

  each heart-strand pinched and prod’

  by bursts of Voice and silent stares and

  skin as soft as

  Doves

   

   

  Each skipping step, each tilted head, each

  silly Chinese rhyme—

  a searching eye, a hand that waits, a

  mouth that slowly

  Sighs

   

  And dreams of days to hold you, and

              speak as you walk by:

  freed from clouds of

  angst and

  Leering Hangul Lies

   

• DeadPoet

  12 Mar 09, 01:52

  Hi da-cheese-freakk,

  We used to have quite a few promising poets here (including our forum moderators), and I feel that you will benefit from their comments, etc. Unfortunately, most of us are too busy trying to earn a living.

  Frankly, I can’t say that I fully comprehended the content of the poem, but I did enjoy it. I like the mood that you have set and to a certain degree, maintain its tone very nicely. However, there are a few things that didn’t go too well with me.

  Firstly, too many clichés, and too abstract for my liking, for example “shaken dreams”, “heart-strand pinched”, “slient stares”, “clouds of angst”, etc. Nothing new here. Secondly, your alliteration and rhyme [Do you have any particular scheme?], in my opinion are a little overdone. You have also too many modifiers, they are all over the place. [Way too many for a short poem]

  Thirdly, what is your rational for the punctuation? Lastly, I strongly believe that a good poem needs to have meaningful images, which I find lacking in your poem.

  Keep writing. I sincerely believe you will go far.