There is a piece of argon stuck in my teeth
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I am an inert gas ,
Caught between the fringes
Of a unhealthy obsession
born of my charges
and a solitary neutron
I sought the attention of a friend
Across the table,
Hoping , in her volatility ,
She would reach out
For my lonesome engagment
and bear witness
to my silent anatomy
Of the stoic silence
I bear to others instead.
She exploded still
For there was too little of myself,
And too much of herself to bear.
comments and critique are welcome! thanks
Its been a while! -
Science was never my strong subject. I disliked it so much that I didn’t even bother to sit for my Science papers during my ‘O’ Level exam. Of course nowadays I don’t mind reading it for knowledge sake.
For a start I really like the title. I think it is unique and to a certain degree it captures the attention of its readers. That is a good start.
I think the author is comparing himself to argon, a gas that I am not familiar with, so I have to dig for more information in the Internet. Thanks to the author, I’ve learnt something new today. But I am a little confuse here as I am not sure if the author is comparing himself to argon, if that is so, why the title “There is a piece of argon stuck in my teeth”?
What I see here is an encounter between two persons with different characters, one is stable, quiet, while the other is active, volatile and maybe even violent. I am not sure if the narrator is in love with the girl, if that is so I have to say he is quite a sensible guy. Because imo, the 2 last lines suggest that the girl is a self-centred and maybe selfish person. It takes a sensible and mature person to be able to see both positive and negative sides of the person you love.
Overall, I think this is quite a well-written piece. Well done.
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I am a lazy person and not as hardworking as dp is at researching. So I dont know what argon is really. I suppose an unfamiliar word in a title can either invite the curious reader to read or keep a lazy reader out. Logically there are more lazy pple than there are curious readers, so I suppose an alluring title is v. impt to draw readers interest and invite them to read beyond the title.
I do like the scientific concept behind this poem, i think it's quite well thought out until its' conclusion. I like how science is fused into the theme of love. -
Your friend can be said to be hydrogen. A very volatile gas compared to noble gases. Can you please consider yourself as helium, you make life a bit more bearable with your light-hearted nature and noblis oblige to lift things up. Thank you. Argon when zapped with a flow of electrons really lights up peoples' day.
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I wanted to respond to this quite a while ago, but forgot to do so;
I really like this piece; it is really ambiguous and just very interesting in general.
Great job.
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x2 Good point!Originally posted by Herzog_Zwei:Your friend can be said to be hydrogen. A very volatile gas compared to noble gases. Can you please consider yourself as helium, you make life a bit more bearable with your light-hearted nature and noblis oblige to lift things up. Thank you. Argon when zapped with a flow of electrons really lights up peoples' day. -
Thanks for everything so far =). Is there anything technical i can improve on?I think this is pretty much still unfinished in certain areas, and there are still changes i have to make. Please do feel free to post.
Thank you. -
Now, that is so familiar.Originally posted by Herzog_Zwei:Your friend can be said to be hydrogen. A very volatile gas compared to noble gases. Can you please consider yourself as helium, you make life a bit more bearable with your light-hearted nature and noblis oblige to lift things up. Thank you. Argon when zapped with a flow of electrons really lights up peoples' day.
*go dig Chemistry books* -
For a start, be consistent in your punctuation. Either you used them or you donÂ’t.