hey all,pls read my poem n give ur feedback on it.....
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Ostrich
I look so beautiful, my neck long, slim and trim,
My feathers are pretty but my life is grim,
Though I belong to the species of bird,
My plight for flight is never heard,
I am flightless,
No one is there to bring me out from this mess,
I never felt the lap of sky,
I am flightless, I did not try.
My mouth is big;I stand tall and high,
But itÂ’s a pity that I cannot fly.
I move fifteen feet in a single step,
For a bird, being in sky is a different pep.
Milky white feathers with large physical structure is given by the god,
My enthusiasm to fly in the blue sky is not heard even by the lord. -
what a boring poem.
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sounds sad
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mad pencil club forum~ -
Hey good attempt here.
Opinion differs from person to person, so here is mine.
The first thing i noticed about your poetry is that, it is too direct. not that it is a bad thing but one good factor which makes others think about your poetry is the use if metaphors. If you can use metaphors instead of being so direct, it will create more imagery and make the target audience think more.
I dont get the issue you are trying to address here. It might be just me, i dont know.
One thing about me is that, i am a very technical person. I cant find any distinct style in your poem. Some people might want to follow older writings, like haiku, sonnet, ballet. Others might want to devise their own style from the older writings. This, again might be very subjective, as i am an arts student.
You are trying too hard to rhyme, till it doesnt sound really right. Try using assonance instead of trying to rhyme all the way, it might also make ur poem more interesting.
I am not sure if what i sense was rhythm. Try making your rhythm stronger, unless you have a specific target audience in mind, or some people might not catch your poem at all. It might just be because "Resentment"couldn't sense your rhythm, that is why he said its boring. I think due to this, it affects the meter of the poem as well.
Sorry but this is just my 2 cents, and pardon me for being too technical. -
tech dude.....why do u wanna spend 2 cents also..keep it for ur poems!!!
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That results in mine being really technical. But well, i am taught in school that, to write a good poetry, apart from the imagery, your own feelings, we would have to master the different techniques and styles.Originally posted by aleesh:tech dude.....why do u wanna spend 2 cents also..keep it for ur poems!!!
The important reason is that, once an art piece is avaliable to the public, you cant expect everybody to read it the same way as you, which is why we need different techniques to ensure as much audiences read it the way u want them too.
If you have no techniques, how do you expect critics to critic it? Poetry is very different from other art forms, it depends alot on imagery and techniques. -
Haiz , don't know how to write love story dun write lor sinc eu cant take criticism. *yawns* BORING POEM and its a fact.
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thank you resentment,bcoz u gave ur comment twice......
it luks u r pretty interested in the poem.u read it again n again n give a comment. -
Thats really harsh, but to TS, there are truth in what he says. Criticism makes one better.Originally posted by Resentment:Haiz , don't know how to write love story dun write lor sinc eu cant take criticism. *yawns* BORING POEM and its a fact.
I once read from a poetry book, the best critics does not come from a critic himself, nor plain audience themselves. Its a combination of both. You would need people with at least the basic knowledge to ensure you can express yourself the way you want, and audiences, as they would be the ultimate readers once your poetry is out to the public.
Look Shakespeare, he took the conventional sonnet and changed the style, revolutionizing sonnets.
Arts is a combination of randomness (your own thoughts, the style you incorporate and much more) and fixed/planned things (such as the style which you hope to follow, then change and many other things). -
Sorry but i might sound rude, but really, no offence though. One mistake that i always make, writing for enjoyment, and writing for other purposes. I am fixated on the later, that is why i am very technical. Sorry yo!
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Well.....anybody interested in free arts classes can join....lecture going on.Thanks for teaching me the concepts!!!
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You've got to learn to appreciate. For one to read and to critic, its not as simple as just giving one's thoughts.Originally posted by aleesh:Well.....anybody interested in free arts classes can join....lecture going on.Thanks for teaching me the concepts!!!
Well, straight to the point. If you cant take criticism, stop writing, or rather, change your topic title. "hey all,pls read my poem n give ur feedback on it....." -
Hey TS, you might be able to refer to here. http://sgforums.com/?action=forum_display&forum_id=1503
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Ok lah. But could have paid a little more attention to rythm as your verses are long.
Rythm also helps inject more fun to break the monotony of the already not-so-interesting theme. Good effort though!
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Might have been nice effort in trying, but too technical?
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Nice try in your rhyming.
I find your poem still haven't reach a point of expressing an Ostrich's feeling. The imaginary barrier is there but I can't pin point what it is..
Good try, I am sure you will do better. -
thnx 4 ur encouraging words!!!Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:Nice try in your rhyming.
I find your poem still haven't reach a point of expressing an Ostrich's feeling. The imaginary barrier is there but I can't pin point what it is..
Good try, I am sure you will do better. 
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Me not expert, but I think can do this:
Ostrich
I look so alluring
My neck long and trim,
My feathers are stunning,
But my life is grim.
Though I am a bird,
My plight for flight was never heard,
Alas! I was never meant for flight,
And none can bring me to greater heights.
I never once felt the lap of sky,
But it's not because I did not try.
I stand tall, proud and high,
Yet distressingly, I still cannot fly. -
do you realize that a poem does not equate to just the end of each line rhyming?
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Missqi makes a good point. Rhyming words at the end of each line do not make a piece of writing a poem.
You don't have even number of beats per line, so it doesn't make this into any kind of recognizable form. Even if you are writing this as a free form, the rhymes placed in such a way only makes the poem seem forced.
You use words like 'big', 'tall', 'high' --but they are not very specific. Although we all know what an ostrich look like, I think you can bring about a different level if you use more descriptive words to let us see how the ostrich sees itself. It is suffering but the poem doesn't seem to express enough to make people sit up and pay attention.
The complaint of the ostrich repeats itself several times in this poem. "I am flightless. I cannot fly. I never felt the lap of sky." But then why would an ostrich want to fly, what does it think flying is about?
What would the ostrich sacrifice of itself to be able to fly? Afterall, it seems to like itself with exception to the fact that it can't fly? What made it start complaining: envy? Explore,and make this more interesting, instead of just complaining.
I look so beautiful, my neck long, slim and trim,
My feathers are pretty but my life is grim,
On a side note: All crits mean something -- you cannot choose your audience's reactions. Sometimes they are disappointed. Sometimes they are just not interested. Up to you whether you want to accept or not.
/my 2 cents. Write on! -
[quote]Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:
[b]Missqi makes a good point. Rhyming words at the end of each line do not make a piece of writing a poem. You don't have even number of beats per line, so it doesn't make this into any kind of recognizable form. Even if you are writing this as a free form, the rhymes placed in such a way only makes the poem seem forced.
You use words like 'big', 'tall', 'high' --but they are not very specific. Although we all know what an ostrich look like, I think you can bring about a different level if you use more descriptive words to let us see how the ostrich sees itself. It is suffering but the poem doesn't seem to express enough to make people sit up and pay attention.
The complaint of the ostrich repeats itself several times in this poem. "I am flightless. I cannot fly. I never felt the lap of sky." But then why would an ostrich want to fly, what does it think flying is about?
What would the ostrich sacrifice of itself to be able to fly? Afterall, it seems to like itself with exception to the fact that it can't fly? What made it start complaining: envy? Explore,and make this more interesting, instead of just complaining.
On a side note: All crits mean something -- you cannot choose your audience's reactions. Sometimes they are disappointed. Sometimes they are just not interested. Up to you whether you want to accept or not.
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wow,u r the best critic I ever came across....thanks.
I thought I can pen down my feelings and its so easy to write a poem but I think I was wrong...
Honestly speaking When I wrote this poem I was feeling very low and sad.....
As I saw this birds' pic...I told to myself:
"Hey bird.....u too are sad ??You too cannot fly???You too miss the sky??"
and I just expressed my feelings...
Let me tell you why I was sad then.....one of my cousins in Australia met with an accident and lost his legs so keeping him in mind ...............I don't know what I wrote but frankly speaking it relieved me very much when I wrote these lines.
Anyways...I agree people cannot think as I thought it to be....thanks.
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it's easy to write a poem but nvr easy to write a good one...Originally posted by aleesh:I thought I can pen down my feelings and its so easy to write a poem but I think I was wrong...
a string of words tat rythmn doesn't automatically make it a poem. read more, keep writing... be open to feedback
after hearing the story behind, perhaps u can fine tune the poem to better talk of the emotions of the event instead of just vague description of the bird... who noe, u might not only be able to express ur feelings better and might also be able to encourage ur cousin