The original poem is not like this; I canÂ’t scan it because my scanner is currently down. If you are interested to view the original version, please refer to
In the Palm of Your Hand: The PoetÂ’s Portable Workshop, by Steve Kowit, page 246.
Emily Dickinson Attends a Writing WorkshopMy Life had stood -- a Loaded Gun --
In Corners -- till a Day
The Owner passed -- identified --
And carried Me away --Title??
L2 “Corners” why plural?
L2 change “a Day” to “the day”?
Any why all the Caps? ( -- and dashes?)
Why a loaded gun?
L3 “identified” Had the gun been lost or missing?
I suggest a re-ordering of stanzas that might help clarify by creating a sense of chronology.
And now We roam in Sovereign Woods --
And now We hunt the Doe --
And every time I speak for Him --
The Mountains straight reply --L6 “Doe” & L8 “reply” - Rhyme scheme breaks down here – this isn’t even slant. Stanza 2 suggestion,
"Now we roam throughout the woods,
And now we hunt the deer.
Every time I speak for him,
the mountains turn to hear."
And do I smile, such cordial light
Upon the Valley glow --
It is as a Vesuvian face
Had let its pleasure through --Consider changing L9 to “And do I smile? Such cordial light”
L10 should be “glows”
L11 should be “It is as if a …”
And when at Night -- Our good Day done --
I guard My Master's Head --
'Tis better than the Eider-Duck's
Deep Pillow -- to have shared --L13, why “good”?
L16, why? Why donÂ’t you share a pillow?
Consider ending this poem here.
Exchange places with the stanza below.
To foe of His -- I'm deadly foe --
None stir the second time --
On whom I lay a Yellow Eye --
Or an emphatic Thumb --Neat images!
Though I than He -- may longer live
He longer must -- than I --
For I have but the power to kill,
Without -- the power to die --Omit this stanza, too confusing.
Emily – Nice language here, but I end this poem feeling confused. We need to SEE the speaker’s “Master.” Who is he? Why does ‘He’ own the speaker? Why is her life like a “loaded gun?” You seem to be alluding to some anger yet the cause is never explored or revealed to the reader. Is there another poem behind this one that still needs to be written? I’d like to see you bring this through workshop again. And do watch the repetition of “And.”
Jayne Relaford BrownOuch!
