Kindergarten
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Kindergarten
Mothers stand with open umbrellas in the rain,
watching their babies through the shutter windows.
Say goodbye, wave a little bye-bye, blow a little kiss
before the teachers shut the windows and break out
the crayons. I don't remember my first day except
that I cried; shamelessly; and why shouldn't I:
to be taken away from my lovely mother and made
to sit in a room full of strange children and hags
who wear dresses with too many flower prints and
demand obedience. Who does this to their love ones?
****
Rip away.
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i cried becos i din know how to say "teacher, i need to go toilet" in english/mandarin then
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Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:
Don't want to hurt your feeling.
[b]Kindergarten
Mothers stand with open umbrellas in the rain,
watching their babies through the shutter windows.
Say goodbye, wave a little bye-bye, blow a little kiss
before the teachers shut the windows and break out
the crayons. I don't remember my first day except
that I cried; shamelessly; and why shouldn't I:
to be taken away from my lovely mother and made
to sit in a room full of strange children and hags
who wear dresses with too many flower prints and
demand obedience. Who does this to their love ones?
****
Rip away. [/b]
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Just point to your little brother lah.Originally posted by InnoHippo:i cried becos i din know how to say "teacher, i need to go toilet" in english/mandarin then
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Don't rip, can give suggestion or tell me I'm better off not wasting my time and just junk this. I wasn't sure about this one that's all. Don't give me a patronizing comment like this, I don't appreciate this.Originally posted by DeadPoet:Don't want to hurt your feeling. 
And I'm really disappointed with your response. I didn't post this in hopes of getting my ego stroked. I just want some honest feedback.
If I can't take my feelings hurt over this one, I wouldn't post at all.
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Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:
Captures the feeling of a child on his first day of school, rather bluntly.
[b]Kindergarten
Mothers stand with open umbrellas in the rain,
watching their babies through the shutter windows.
Say goodbye, wave a little bye-bye, blow a little kiss
before the teachers shut the windows and break out
the crayons. I don't remember my first day except
that I cried; shamelessly; and why shouldn't I:
to be taken away from my lovely mother and made
to sit in a room full of strange children and hags
who wear dresses with too many flower prints and
demand obedience. Who does this to their love ones?
****
Rip away. [/b]
On a side note, I don't remember crying at kindergarten. It was a nice place. Then came primary school. It all went downhill from there. -
I'm glad something amused you.Originally posted by WiNtEr'SkiLL: 
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I hated primary school, but secondary school was alright. Poly was not so fun, but I did like the industrial attachment stints.Originally posted by SingaporeMacross:Captures the feeling of a child on his first day of school, rather bluntly.
On a side note, I don't remember crying at kindergarten. It was a nice place. Then came primary school. It all went downhill from there. -
Okay lah, I won't joke with you liao lah.Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:And I'm really disappointed with your response. I didn't post this in hopes of getting my ego stroked. I just want some honest feedback.
If I can't take my feelings hurt over this one, I wouldn't post at all.
Will give you my comments soon. -
Blast away, friend. As long as i post, it can be blasted.
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frankly, ur poem gives me a glimpse of wat is the mind of the rest of the 'strange kids' in my class....
can i give my feeble version?
sitting in a corner, feeling trapped
by strange creatures that screamed
and cried for their mothers;
does tears blind our eyes? i wondered
as they failed to see the one they longed for
are just a glass panel away.
i watched in silence the teacher who
was too busy to teach; trying her utmost
to coax a class of thirty-nine.
soon a familiar face appeared beyond
the windows and panicking mothers;
my very own to save me from this noisy chamber. -
You must have been a brave and calm child.
Like the poem, I did cry and quite pathetically too. My mother was standing outside. I don't remember what happened except I didn't care much for the teachers and I don't like other children.
Crayons crayons, the smell of crayons. -
actually i was simply too gong...Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:You must have been a brave and calm child.
Like the poem, I did cry and quite pathetically too. My mother was standing outside. I don't remember what happened except I didn't care much for the teachers and I don't like other children.
Crayons crayons, the smell of crayons. -
Before I start I have to be honest with you, this is not one of your better poems. As a friend, I am not going to hold back, so here goes –
Kindergarten
The title says it all, nothing interesting about it.
Mothers stand with open umbrellas in the rain,
Forgive me but I am really amused by this line. IsnÂ’t it obvious that if it is raining, you need to open your umbrella? And isnÂ’t it also obvious that most likely these mothers will be standing rather than sitting around in the rain with open umbrellas?
watching their babies through the shutter windows.
Imo, “watching” is rather weak and passive. If you are trying to portray the anxieties of the mothers, I suggest the whole sentence should be rewritten.
Say goodbye, wave a little bye-bye, blow a little kiss
Too many repetition of “bye” here.
before the teachers shut the windows and break out
I like this line, especially the ending. But may I suggest breaking the line at “break”, help to keep the readers in suspense.
the crayons. I don't remember my first day except
that I cried; shamelessly; and why shouldn't I:
Slightly too wordy for me. Sorry but I donÂ’t really like it.
to be taken away from my lovely mother and made
I am not crazy about “lovely mother”. Maybe it is just me.
to sit in a room full of strange children and hags
Same problem with open umbrellas in the rain. I mean you either sit or stand in the room right? I am also confused regarding the emotions of the narrator as a child. Was he/she feeling anxious, curious, indifferent, angry, etc?
who wear dresses with too many flower prints and
demand obedience. Who does this to their love ones?
Weak ending. I am afraid the question doesnÂ’t do much for me.
I know you can do better than this as I've read your other poems. -
Not bad!Originally posted by tare:frankly, ur poem gives me a glimpse of wat is the mind of the rest of the 'strange kids' in my class....
can i give my feeble version?
sitting in a corner, feeling trapped
by strange creatures that screamed
and cried for their mothers;
does tears blind our eyes? i wondered
as they failed to see the one they longed for
are just a glass panel away.
i watched in silence the teacher who
was too busy to teach; trying her utmost
to coax a class of thirty-nine.
soon a familiar face appeared beyond
the windows and panicking mothers;
my very own to save me from this noisy chamber. -
Tare:
actually i was simply too gong...
LOL
The not-shy types do better also.
I didn't understand why I had to be there, and quite frankly I still don't. I don't even remember learning anything. Maybe 1+1 but alphabets was through Sesame Street.
The most vivid memory was when I made some girl cry, just by shoving her away because she was bugging a playmate. I got scolding for that and told not to interfere next time. Some stupid teacher. I kena punished for trying to help someone.
Primary 1 was when things got serious. -
Originally posted by DeadPoet:
erm.. u nvr see aunties using umbrellas in sunny days meh?
Mothers stand with open umbrellas in the rain,
Forgive me but I am really amused by this line. IsnÂ’t it obvious that if it raining, you need to open your umbrella? And isnÂ’t it also obvious that most likely these mothers will be standing rather than sitting around in the rain with open umbrellas? -
I fought a lot when I was a kid and I love to make my teachers cried.Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:LOL
The not-shy types do better also.
I didn't understand why I had to be there, and quite frankly I still don't. I don't even remember learning anything. Maybe 1+1 but alphabets was through Sesame Street.
The most vivid memory was when I made some girl cry, just by shoving her away because she was bugging a playmate. I got scolding for that and told not to interfere next time. Some stupid teacher. I kena punished for trying to help someone.
Primary 1 was when things got serious. -
Last 2 words , should it be "loved ones" ?
Other than that, I like it ! -
I was referring to "open umbrellas in the rain" unless the mothers enjoy getting wet.Originally posted by tare:erm.. u nvr see aunties using umbrellas in sunny days meh? -
Thanks DP, it is exactly the kind of help I need. I'm not very good with describing complex scenes.Originally posted by DeadPoet:Before I start I have to be honest with you, this is not one of your better poems. As a friend, I am not going to hold back, so here goes –
....
I know you can do better than this as I've read your other poems.
Open umbrellas -- (edit: got it) you've made me want to rethink it just by pointing it out. I might try to show the mothers' excitement and/or anxiety using something else less boring and predictable.
Thanks thanks thanks again!! -
Yeah you are right. I missed that.Originally posted by choco B:Last 2 words , should it be "loved ones" ?
Other than that, I like it ! -
So did I (in primary school though not in K). The teachers didn't cry, but I think my parents did.Originally posted by DeadPoet:I fought a lot when I was a kid and I love to make my teachers cried. -
hehee.. thank u.. it's been so long since i wrote anything, even if it's my usual silly poemsOriginally posted by DeadPoet:Not bad!