poem:: In cooking; earthed of all arts
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This is one of the poems i wrote last night in a dash of inspiration- very raw... short too- jus thot i'll throw it for people to comment before i work further on it.(looking at my list of spices needed for cooking)
In cooking; earthed of all arts
dry sherry, tumeric, rice wine
these i have, but not the art
nor respect,
for living food, or dead birds &
crustaceous crabs
painted as they ever are the beginnings
of gluttony in dutch masters frames.
This is what I think of fish,
white meat.
& beef,
red meat.
& fingers that paint the chicken with spice,
mad
magic.
thinking this should be a longer poem but not sure what to add... it lacks complexity at the moment, i can see where i am going but not sure how to expand. anything in poetic rhythm or verse length pls commento! i like technical comments. gracias.
regards, ellzrae
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Hey there, i am a newbie, so this is just 2 cents. I feel that the rhythm in this poem is very unstable. I read in a book that rhythm is pretty important as it captures the reader, but of course, this can be a personal style and still as successful.Originally posted by ellzrae:This is one of the poems i wrote last night in a dash of inspiration- very raw... short too- jus thot i'll throw it for people to comment before i work further on it.(looking at my list of spices needed for cooking)
In cooking; earthed of all arts
dry sherry, tumeric, rice wine
these i have, but not the art
nor respect,
for living food, or dead birds &
crustaceous crabs
painted as they ever are the beginnings
of gluttony in dutch masters frames.
This is what I think of fish,
white meat.
& beef,
red meat.
& fingers that paint the chicken with spice,
mad
magic.
thinking this should be a longer poem but not sure what to add... it lacks complexity at the moment, i can see where i am going but not sure how to expand. anything in poetic rhythm or verse length pls commento! i like technical comments. gracias.
Length doesnt matter in poetry!look at the japanese!
regards, ellzrae -
Seeing this is still a beginning stage draft and you are thinking of adding more to it, I'll just keep my comments on the short side.
I don't think the poem needs to be long to make a point. Nobody can make poems longer or shorter than they should be. The way I see it now you are trying to say that the cook has the ability to cook but fails to see cooking as an art form, that food is just food. The way I see it,
1) you can go on to explore the consequences of this way of thinking,
2) you can go a different direction, redraft comparing between how a real artist of a cook cooks compared to the end-product of someone who simply cooks
Or you can ponder and I'm sure you'll come up with more ideas.
As it is now:
I think the punctuation is distracting - I think you have too many unnecessary commas and full stops.
The line breaks are also sort of strange. Each line break is like a pause and having them in the wrong place can disrupt the reading.
To find the problem with rhythm, reading the poem back to yourself out loud helps you to spot the bumps. -
well as usual i'm not the technical fellow.... i agree with the strange rhythm, if u read it out loud to urself, it'll sound more like a ranting... and if u really wanna talk abt the art of cooking, perhaps u should explore deeper into it... give it some more thots ya? dun just stop here
but wat i really wanna ask is..... wat kinda cuisine r u trying to cook?! i can't really tell frm the ingredients
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Hello ellzrae since this is a only a draft,Originally posted by ellzrae:This is one of the poems i wrote last night in a dash of inspiration- very raw... short too- jus thot i'll throw it for people to comment before i work further on it.(looking at my list of spices needed for cooking)
In cooking; earthed of all arts
dry sherry, tumeric, rice wine
these i have, but not the art
nor respect,
for living food, or dead birds &
crustaceous crabs
painted as they ever are the beginnings
of gluttony in dutch masters frames.
This is what I think of fish,
white meat.
& beef,
red meat.
& fingers that paint the chicken with spice,
mad
magic.
thinking this should be a longer poem but not sure what to add... it lacks complexity at the moment, i can see where i am going but not sure how to expand. anything in poetic rhythm or verse length pls commento! i like technical comments. gracias.
regards, ellzrae 
Experiment with linebreaks. Watch your punctuations. Ask yourself why you are writing this poem.
For the first few drafts, just let go and write, let it guides you along. That is the fun part of poetry writing.
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i appreciate how you try to link cooking to art as in "fingers that paint the chicken with spice". nice visual. Poem sounds interesting, subject or topic is refreshing, would like to see it develop into it's full glory
good luck! -
hola everyone, tkn u for comments:
>>I feel that the rhythm in this poem is very unstable. I read in a book that rhythm is pretty important as it captures the reader, but of course, this can be a personal style and still as successful.
ChingAlvin
-yes, u made a point there, the rhythm needs to be tweaked. tkns.
>>I don't think the poem needs to be long to make a point. Nobody can make poems longer or shorter than they should be. The way I see it now you are trying to say that the cook has the ability to cook but fails to see cooking as an art form, that food is just food. The way I see it,
1) you can go on to explore the consequences of this way of thinking,
-2) you can go a different direction, redraft comparing between how a real artist of a cook cooks compared to the end-product of someone who simply cooks
Or you can ponder and I'm sure you'll come up with more ideas.
As it is now:
I think the punctuation is distracting - I think you have too many unnecessary commas and full stops.
The line breaks are also sort of strange. Each line break is like a pause and having them in the wrong place can disrupt the reading.
To find the problem with rhythm, reading the poem back to yourself out loud helps you to spot the bumps.
bluesky liz
-actually its about a persona who cannot cook and thus see cooking as a strange art. im jus thinking, what is it like to be baffled...? hmm. same thing about line breaks as others have made. I think i got to understand more fundamentally why they are there... tkns
>>well as usual i'm not the technical fellow.... i agree with the strange rhythm, if u read it out loud to urself, it'll sound more like a ranting... and if u really wanna talk abt the art of cooking, perhaps u should explore deeper into it... give it some more thots ya? dun just stop here Mr. Green
- hmm i want to explore the art of cooking as a baffling topic. should it be magic? or science... hmmm
>>but wat i really wanna ask is..... wat kinda cuisine r u trying to cook?! i can't really tell frm the ingredients
tare
- haha. gd question. nothing actually, there are just a couple of ingredients u can find in ur kitchen, a kind of grab and go of basic stuff.. interesting idea btw. a recipe? hmmmmmmm..........
>>Hello ellzrae since this is a only a draft,
Arrow Experiment with linebreaks.
Arrow Watch your punctuations.
Arrow Ask yourself why you are writing this poem.
For the first few drafts, just let go and write, let it guides you along. That is the fun part of poetry writing. Very Happy
deadpoet
-linebreaks, punctuations, fundamental questioning.. very gd.. u summed up everyone's concerns..
>>i appreciate how you try to link cooking to art as in "fingers that paint the chicken with spice". nice visual. Poem sounds interesting, subject or topic is refreshing, would like to see it develop into it's full glory Wink
good luck!
expiring poet
- thanks for encouragement, will work on it later.. i've got a few leads from everyone here- let's see which route works...!
ellzrae -
Originally posted by ellzrae:
I'm pretty much oldschool, so personally I'd rather have grammar, punctuation and syntax remain intact for written pieces -- unless liberties taken with the English language have a particular purpose and intent (i.e. e.e. cummings).
In cooking; earthed of all arts
dry sherry, tumeric, rice wine
these i have, but not the art
nor respect,
for living food, or dead birds &
crustaceous crabs
painted as they ever are the beginnings
of gluttony in dutch masters frames.
This is what I think of fish,
white meat.
& beef,
red meat.
& fingers that paint the chicken with spice,
mad
magic.
[/b]
The reason's rather simple -- poetry is foremost an oral tradition. So when it is transcribed, it should also take care to preserve its readability and ensuing interpretation -- hence I find the rather liberal use of ampersands rather distracting to the eye.
And someone's mentioned rhythm -- that's one of the problems that jump out immediately...
That said, pretty nice imagery in certain areas -- I especially am enamoured with the line, "fingers that paint the chicken with spice". -
tried to rewrite this poem today 4 times in different ways and 3 times before in recent weeks- but i realised this may be really a stillborn one.
no1 problem for me: a poem must have change or palpable conflict, emotional or physical- and this is something i cannot resolve yet as i do not have any concluding thoughts which are important to express in this poem. So i think I will leave this one aside until i can fiercely acknowledge some sort of idea... mayb there's a genesis of an idea- but not a fierce lightning blot.
was quite a bad idea to just start writing purely for the instinct of words really...
sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.
I may reuse the ideas somewhere else though... -
Yeah, don't throw anything away. You'll never know, someday you may look at this again and something will come to you.
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x2 Come back to it later. Or you can use it as material for your other poems.Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:Yeah, don't throw anything away. You'll never know, someday you may look at this again and something will come to you.