Poetry - Proper Writing Styles and Formats
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peebrain:
When I read this I knew you were writing about Vietnam (thank god I passed history, and the napalm reference is telling), but I can't enage in the poem because something about the images, the placement of words didn't quite fit, which was why I left such a comment.Originally posted by dsnake1:Oops! so the tanka didn't work too well!
peebrain, it's all right, i welcome the feedback.
Maybe those who read on wars may see the allusions more clearly. Chu Chi is a place in the former South Vietnam famous for its tunnels dug by the guerrilla armies fighting against the Americans in the Vietnam War. The rats allude to the Vietcong hiding in those tunnel complexes. Metal locusts refer to american air power. The VC are like ghosts because they are very elusive. At one time Chu Chi was one of the most bombed areas on earth.
Hope this little history lesson helps in the imaging.
>>I have also the world's most logical mind. heheh, i like that.
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DeadPoet:
It is the sudden change in perceptions and images that I am uncomfortable with i.e. from rats to human and from metal locusts to bombers. The only line linking the two is “in the warm blue sky” which in my opinion failed to serve its purpose.
Just a thought. -
dsnake1:
no problem, peebrain! this shows more practice is requiredOriginally posted by peebrain:When I read this I knew you were writing about Vietnam (thank god I passed history, and the napalm reference is telling), but I can't enage in the poem because something about the images, the placement of words didn't quite fit, which was why I left such a comment.
what no purpose!Originally posted by DeadPoet:It is the sudden change in perceptions and images that I am uncomfortable with i.e. from rats to human and from metal locusts to bombers. The only line linking the two is “in the warm blue sky” which in my opinion failed to serve its purpose.
Just a thought.
warm blue sky = tropical sky (of Vietnam) -
peebrain:
This is exactly what I mean.Originally posted by dsnake1:what no purpose!
warm blue sky = tropical sky (of Vietnam)
If Vietnam during the vietnam war, is bombarded by "metal locusts" -- do you think the sky would still be "warm" and "blue"?
Not only is the phrase cliche, it doesn't faciliate the movement of the tanka. I'm sure there are other, better words out there -- remember, poetry's about choosing the most approriate words to refine the matter. -
dsnake1:
before the bombardment is always a calm, thus the blue sky.Originally posted by peebrain:This is exactly what I mean.
If Vietnam during the vietnam war, is bombarded by "metal locusts" -- do you think the sky would still be "warm" and "blue"?
Not only is the phrase cliche, it doesn't faciliate the movement of the tanka. I'm sure there are other, better words out there -- remember, poetry's about choosing the most approriate words to refine the matter.
cliche, maybe. i will keep that in mind. -
For those of you who wish to continue the discussion, please feel free to do so.
