[Poem] Tracks
-
Will you race with me
Even when the road
Splits up
Narrows down
Splices our vision
and makes us belch?
Did you turn down
a path of uncertainty?
A road leading nowhere
or somewhere
perfectly random
like the timekeeper's bell?
Have you gone
from my sight
down a road
I could never follow?
I'm stuck in
a pit-lane.
Waiting.
For a crackle
on the radio
that will never
come. -
Hello Lazer! Here are my comments.
Will you race with me
Even when the road
Splits up
Narrows down
Splices our vision
and makes us belch?
I like “Splices our vision”. I think “Splices” also goes very well with “Splits” and “belch”.
Did you turn down
a path of uncertainty?
A road leading nowhere
or somewhere
perfectly random
like the timekeeper's bell?
Do you think this would sound better?
“A road leading somewhere
or nowhere”
Have you gone
from my sight
down a road
I could never follow?
I am not so sure about this stanza. Maybe beef it up a bit?
I'm stuck in
a pit-lane.
Waiting.
For a crackle
on the radio
that will never
come.
Nice ending although I would prefer to rearrange the lines in a different manner.
Thanks for sharing Lazer, good to read your poem again. Hee hee. -
stucked in pit lane ..... should be waiting for mechanic to come .....
why radio?
-
>.< Depressing
Running is a solitary sport... -
There will not be a mechanic..for a long time.Originally posted by InnoHippo:stucked in pit lane ..... should be waiting for mechanic to come .....
why radio? 
-
But why do I have this image of someone getting married after reading this poem?
-
I like to jog alone.Originally posted by choco B:>.< Depressing
Running is a solitary sport...