Someday
-
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
say I give
up
And throw my hands
into the air
Cupping the stars and hoping that they
plummet
What a very mean thing to think
Santa claus wonÂ’t be very happy
to find that you wished his
traffic lights dead
YouÂ’ll regret this
as soon as the first snow
falls
and the death of silent night
brings presents for everyone
but you
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
pray to the sky and the roads
And not to God
because they are here
deciding my fate
and He is Above
Me
Up there behind the clouds
Hiding
behind the shamed moon
Watch and wait, I will burn
up
like the stars
that you want me to become
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
walk the plank
Because IÂ’ve never seen sharks before
in real life
And who knows if they arenÂ’t really
the kindest beasts
in the whole wide world?
Someday, IÂ’m just going toÂ…
---
Please critique! -
fcuk it.Originally posted by preya:Someday, IÂ’m just going toÂ…
--- -
very NICE!Originally posted by preya:Someday, IÂ’m just going to
say I give
up
And throw my hands
into the air
Cupping the stars and hoping that they
plummet
What a very mean thing to think
Santa claus wonÂ’t be very happy
to find that you wished his
traffic lights dead
YouÂ’ll regret this
as soon as the first snow
falls
and the death of silent night
brings presents for everyone
but you
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
pray to the sky and the roads
And not to God
because they are here
deciding my fate
and He is Above
Me
Up there behind the clouds
Hiding
behind the shamed moon
Watch and wait, I will burn
up
like the stars
that you want me to become
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
walk the plank
Because IÂ’ve never seen sharks before
in real life
And who knows if they arenÂ’t really
the kindest beasts
in the whole wide world?
Someday, IÂ’m just going toÂ…
---
Please critique!
Someday, i'd sang a song... -
Please don't do your fucking here dude. Do it in Bar.Originally posted by mcfadden:fcuk it. -
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
say I give
up
And throw my hands
into the air
Cupping the stars and hoping that they
plummet
What is the difference between “Someday, I’m just going to say I give up …” and “Someday, I’m going to give up …”? I like what you are doing here.
What a very mean thing to think
Santa claus wonÂ’t be very happy
to find that you wished his
traffic lights dead
YouÂ’ll regret this
as soon as the first snow
falls
and the death of silent night
brings presents for everyone
but you
Should be “Claus” right? I don’t really like the idea of comparing stars with traffic lights but in this case, since Santa is driving, it will do. Can you find another word to replace “death”?
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
pray to the sky and the roads
And not to God
because they are here
deciding my fate
and He is Above
Me
Up there behind the clouds
Hiding
behind the shamed moon
Why “Me” with a capital M? Why are the sky and the roads deciding your fate? Why “shamed moon”?
Watch and wait, I will burn
up
like the stars
that you want me to become
Personally this is the strongest stanza and I think it will make a good ending. It is quite a refreshing poem and I really like it.
-
Someday, I'm going to sing a sOng for Solemn... -
Originally posted by DeadPoet:
i actually quite like the idea of comparing stars with traffic lights
[b]Someday, IÂ’m just going to
say I give
up
And throw my hands
into the air
Cupping the stars and hoping that they
plummet
What is the difference between “Someday, I’m just going to say I give up …” and “Someday, I’m going to give up …”? I like what you are doing here.
What a very mean thing to think
Santa claus wonÂ’t be very happy
to find that you wished his
traffic lights dead
YouÂ’ll regret this
as soon as the first snow
falls
and the death of silent night
brings presents for everyone
but you
Should be “Claus” right? I don’t really like the idea of comparing stars with traffic lights but in this case, since Santa is driving, it will do. Can you find another word to replace “death”?
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
pray to the sky and the roads
And not to God
because they are here
deciding my fate
and He is Above
Me
Up there behind the clouds
Hiding
behind the shamed moon
Why “Me” with a capital M? Why are the sky and the roads deciding your fate? Why “shamed moon”?
Watch and wait, I will burn
up
like the stars
that you want me to become
Personally this is the strongest stanza and I think it will make a good ending. It is quite a refreshing poem and I really like it.
[/b]
"Me" with a captial M brings emphasis back to the writer who decides his/her fate through the choice of roads to be taken? -
hi preya, absent from here for some time!
okay, your poem is a bit too abstract for me, but i detect a tone of disillusion in your writing. Actually, i think you started the poem well, the 1st stanza is attention grabbing, esp the part about "Cupping the stars and hoping that they plummet". It leads the reader to think why u are angry.
i like the part comparing stars to santa's traffic lights, it's a good analogy (why doesn't DP like it? )
it looks like u are disillusioned with religion, your 2nd & 3rd stanzas suggest, but i'm not sure. i am also not sure about "the shamed moon".
Overall, i think it's a good effort
-
I really can't see any connections between traffic lights and stars leh.
-
stop jay-walking and observe the traffic lightsOriginally posted by DeadPoet:I really can't see any connections between traffic lights and stars leh. 
-
I can find some metaphors to like in here.
And throw my hands
into the air
Cupping the stars and hoping that they
plummet
Watch and wait, I will burn
up
like the stars
that you want me to become
But references to sharks and traffic lights wander a bit too far off, throws me off a bit. -
Cool!Originally posted by preya:Someday, IÂ’m just going to
say I give
up
And throw my hands
into the air
Cupping the stars and hoping that they
plummet
What a very mean thing to think
Santa claus wonÂ’t be very happy
to find that you wished his
traffic lights dead
YouÂ’ll regret this
as soon as the first snow
falls
and the death of silent night
brings presents for everyone
but you
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
pray to the sky and the roads
And not to God
because they are here
deciding my fate
and He is Above
Me
Up there behind the clouds
Hiding
behind the shamed moon
Watch and wait, I will burn
up
like the stars
that you want me to become
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
walk the plank
Because IÂ’ve never seen sharks before
in real life
And who knows if they arenÂ’t really
the kindest beasts
in the whole wide world?
Someday, IÂ’m just going toÂ…
---
Please critique!
You sound like you got a burnout
comparing traffic light to star hmm...
is the connection you are implying that star are the guides, they warn you, stop you and let u go at will.
waa... your 'Me' very strong wor. yeah got obstacles but no help is so sad.
sharks to ahem $$$?
dun go nova mah so earth-shattering ...
but not bad le nice play of emotions something which elude me
*thumbs up* -
If you don't observe the traffic lights, you may get knocked down by a car.Originally posted by DeadPoet:I really can't see any connections between traffic lights and stars leh.
Then you will see stars.
-
Thank you for your thoughtful critique, DeadPoet! I always appreciate it!
Originally posted by DeadPoet:
The difference is slight; whether it's just words, or actual giving up. I think I'd prefer the phrase 'say I give up' because there's less certainty in it, and it sounds more weak and unsure. Which, I think, fits in better with the whole 'someday I'll do this and someday I'll be that'. The whole poem kinda sounds like a really weak threat, don't you think? Like those threats people make, saying they'll commit suicide or hurt themselves and so on.
[b]Someday, IÂ’m just going to
say I give
up
And throw my hands
into the air
Cupping the stars and hoping that they
plummet
What is the difference between “Someday, I’m just going to say I give up …” and “Someday, I’m going to give up …”? I like what you are doing here.
Hm, I don't actually know. Honestly, I wasn't thinking about that choice of phrasing whilst writing this.What a very mean thing to think
Whoops. Yes, it should be. Why don't you really like the idea of comparing stars to traffic lights? And why should the word 'death' be replaced? I'd like to know how you see it, because I'm looking at this from a rather biased point of view.
Santa claus wonÂ’t be very happy
to find that you wished his
traffic lights dead
YouÂ’ll regret this
as soon as the first snow
falls
and the death of silent night
brings presents for everyone
but you
Should be “Claus” right? I don’t really like the idea of comparing stars with traffic lights but in this case, since Santa is driving, it will do. Can you find another word to replace “death”?
Well, when we talk about God, we use 'He', capital H. The using of 'Me' is like saying, I'm the master of my own fate, sort of thing. And a very strong sense of the speaker being a little self-centred, as well.
Someday, IÂ’m just going to
pray to the sky and the roads
And not to God
because they are here
deciding my fate
and He is Above
Me
Up there behind the clouds
Hiding
behind the shamed moon
Why “Me” with a capital M? Why are the sky and the roads deciding your fate? Why “shamed moon”?
As in, the sky and the roads are more pertinent to your fate than God, because you can see the roads and skies, and they directly affect you, as opposed to God, who is, in physical life, a non-existant entity.
I'm not sure about the 'shamed moon', myself. Because she's hiding God away? Shamed = hiding, so maybe it's just a way of saying it's a dark night with no moon, or the moon is hidden by the clouds? As a reader, it's up to you to interpret it. Do you think it's too fanciful, extra, what?
Thank you!
Watch and wait, I will burn
up
like the stars
that you want me to become
Personally this is the strongest stanza and I think it will make a good ending. It is quite a refreshing poem and I really like it.
[/b]
When I was writing this poem, I wasn't really thinking about the meaning, just trying to get a point, a feeling, across. So it really is up to you, as the reader, to interpret it. -
How do you know?Originally posted by InnoHippo:stop jay-walking and observe the traffic lights 
-
Originally posted by fudgester:If you don't observe the traffic lights, you may get knocked down by a car.
Then you will see stars.
Like that also can ah? You are so right. -
The difference is slight; whether it's just words, or actual giving up. I think I'd prefer the phrase 'say I give up' because there's less certainty in it, and it sounds more weak and unsure. Which, I think, fits in better with the whole 'someday I'll do this and someday I'll be that'. The whole poem kinda sounds like a really weak threat, don't you think? Like those threats people make, saying they'll commit suicide or hurt themselves and so on.
Exactly.
Whoops. Yes, it should be. Why don't you really like the idea of comparing stars to traffic lights? And why should the word 'death' be replaced? I'd like to know how you see it, because I'm looking at this from a rather biased point of view.
I really donÂ’t see any strong similarities between stars and traffic lights. There are no primary connections. As a metaphor, imo you have a really weak one. Sort of like a mixed metaphor to me. Instead of traffic lights why not guiding lights or something similar? Just a suggestion.
As for the word “death”, again same problem, I don’t see how it is related to silent night. You may want to tighten up stanza 2. It has great potential and I am confident it can be further improved.
Well, when we talk about God, we use 'He', capital H. The using of 'Me' is like saying, I'm the master of my own fate, sort of thing. And a very strong sense of the speaker being a little self-centred, as well.
I understand where you are coming from, but for some readers they might think you are comparing yourself with God, which is not your intention.
As in, the sky and the roads are more pertinent to your fate than God, because you can see the roads and skies, and they directly affect you, as opposed to God, who is, in physical life, a non-existant entity.
Again I know what you are doing here. I am fine with the word “roads” but not “sky”. When you mentioned the word “pray” in L19 as in “pray to the sky …” I can’t help but associated it with God. Maybe it is just me.
Like IÂ’ve said earlier I really like it a lot. Thanks for sharing.