end game
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End Game
Nagant,
you look so slick
down your barrel i stare
into your deepest chamber
i go searching for a flare
spun on impulse
your cylinder is filled
one lotus root of steel,
seven live babies
you dislodge one
from thy womb
fate you adopt
and chance too, the midwife
who delivers.
Nagant,
spun is the wheel
i strain against
the clockwise motion
till the hammer in place
puts a stop.
delivers my sentence -
Interesting depiction of a gun firing... and I particularly like the line "one lotus root of steel"... only thing that bugs me is the sudden switch to old English to use "from thy womb" which makes me feel that this particular line is trying a little too hard... just a teeny weeny bit.
And i would have liked it more if you made the imagery for each stanza more consistent... like how you built the one below around the image of birth and delivery. somehow the lotus root and babies don't quite work as well as this one.
"you dislodge one
from thy womb
fate you adopt
and chance too, the midwife
who delivers." -
haha,i agree,the old english use was quite awkward,its a bad habit.Originally posted by KittynMeow:Interesting depiction of a gun firing... and I particularly like the line "one lotus root of steel"... only thing that bugs me is the sudden switch to old English to use "from thy womb" which makes me feel that this particular line is trying a little too hard... just a teeny weeny bit.
And i would have liked it more if you made the imagery for each stanza more consistent... like how you built the one below around the image of birth and delivery. somehow the lotus root and babies don't quite work as well as this one.
"you dislodge one
from thy womb
fate you adopt
and chance too, the midwife
who delivers."
the nagant was the pistol with which russian roulette was started,and this is what the poem is built upon loh
hmm,thanks for the comments,noted. -
Interesting. Though the image of baby being dislodged from the womb is a bit of a stretch, imho, considering childbirth seems to be a difficult and not a short process most of the time. It doesn't seem to fit right to compare it with the firing of a bullet from a gun which is an instantenous even compared to delivering babies.
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hahah,true,true.Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:Interesting. Though the image of baby being dislodged from the womb is a bit of a stretch, imho, considering childbirth seems to be a difficult and not a short process most of the time. It doesn't seem to fit right to compare it with the firing of a bullet from a gun which is an instantenous even compared to delivering babies.
but imagine what on earth the living hell Mr roulette player goes through before he turns nagant on himself,
the nagant is the final blow really. from the moment the gun was loaded the situation starts its 'pregnancy', while the bullet is the instantaneous moment of unbirth
well anyway,the childbirth thing wasn't really intended,it came about by accident and i know nuts abt giving birth so i shouldnt talk so much. hahah. -
nice!
i like your "one lotus root of steel" to describe a revolver's cylinder. very strong image. i thought you were describing a "game" of russian roulette , then i thought not because you only remove one bullet and 6 out of 7 are very poor odds for survival.
more like suicide!
enjoyed it.
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wahah,yeap.otherwise how to die? the probability isnt really 1/7 for 1 loaded round, its 1/6000 or something (lol).... cos of gravity.Originally posted by dsnake1:nice!
i like your "one lotus root of steel" to describe a revolver's cylinder. very strong image. i thought you were describing a "game" of russian roulette , then i thought not because you only remove one bullet and 6 out of 7 are very poor odds for survival.
more like suicide!
enjoyed it.