Hi all
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Fast pace
The lady at the bus stop
Cursed the bus driver who didnÂ’t stop to wait for her
As if the whole world had just robbed the last 15 minutes of her life.
Sometimes when you are caught in a traffic jam
You would wish that your car can
Hovers above all the cars at the front
So that you can be on time for the meeting
Which will be held in 10 minutes
You are running inside the trainÂ….
Suddenly you realized that will be late for 5 minutes
As you can only travel as fast as the train reaches its destination
One day you are left with the last 30 minutes of your life
Will you still be angry with the 30 minutes youÂ’ve lost?
I dont write much poetry. I think this can be express better in prose rather than poetry? -
Hello and welcome to DPS.
Yes, this reads more like prose than poetry. You might try committing this piece as prose, it may be better that way.
Other thing is you should decide whether you want to stick to third person "she" or second person "you", just for consistency. The change after the fourth line is a bit abrupt, imho. -
Thanks for the reply.
I think i serious improvement on my writings.
Btw, theres only 1 "i" for tranqulity(this is intented). -
Hello and Welcome
The poem's got a nice reflective mood to it, I do like your philosophical voice, but you'll need to watch out for your grammar cos it'll take away reader's enjoyment from reading the poem.
Also, the below lines can be further improved to explain the scenario abit better, e.g. "hover" does not explain how you can be on time.
You would wish that your car can
Hovers above all the cars at the front
So that you can be on time for the meeting
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It's a good effort, keep practising and submitting your poems -
You are right.Originally posted by Tranqulity:I think this can be express better in prose rather than poetry?
But don't worry, it is a good start.