A Class Poem
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There was some misunderstanding in my class, so I thought of writing a poem. It's on my class blog now, but I thought I'll share it with everyone. =D
The day I stepped into the class,
I felt a connection within us.
Your smiles warmed my heart,
Your greetings seized my blood.
We were a class, I then realised.
Nothing could seperate us.
But the fights could never stop,
And I could do was to make a lightning bolt.
Alas, time can't turn back,
But we're still a class, that's the fact.
So I hope this fight would end,
In hopes for our relationship to mend.
COMMENTS? I think the words sound weird T.T I just wanted it to RHYME. -
Why not write another version without rhyming?Originally posted by sickeningblues-:I think the words sound weird T.T I just wanted it to RHYME.
Focus on,
1) Concrete images
2) Show us a picture instead of telling us the story.
Good luck!
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oops
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Couple of questions (not always a good thing when i have questions after reading something as sketchy as this)
Let's start with the title. What do you mean, "A Class Poem"? Are you talking about your class, in school, or are you talking about segregation?
I ca't tell. it's too ambiguous, and the succeeding lines don't support or illuminate it further.
Who's the subject in your poem? One person, or is it a collective? (see the ambiguity there?)
Why are there spelling errors in the poem?
Why this unrelentless need to rhyme? it doesn't make this poem flow any better, and typically... if you wanna rhyme, you gotta have some rhythm or meter or structure.
Awkward metaphors -- what on earth is "to make a lightning bolt"? Are you trying to make lightning scurry away, or are you saying that you wanted to "bolt like lightning" These are TWO vastly different meanings; you'd do much better if you focus on building a story that comes alive when I read it.
A piece of writing like this.. well... i'm afraid it's lacking in any poetic value. -
It's a good effort! Keep practising and writing!
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APOLOGIES): I was really upset when I wrote this. heh thanks anyway. lalala~ Pardon me for my mistakes. =DOriginally posted by peebrain:Couple of questions (not always a good thing when i have questions after reading something as sketchy as this)
Let's start with the title. What do you mean, "A Class Poem"? Are you talking about your class, in school, or are you talking about segregation?
I ca't tell. it's too ambiguous, and the succeeding lines don't support or illuminate it further.
Who's the subject in your poem? One person, or is it a collective? (see the ambiguity there?)
Why are there spelling errors in the poem?
Why this unrelentless need to rhyme? it doesn't make this poem flow any better, and typically... if you wanna rhyme, you gotta have some rhythm or meter or structure.
Awkward metaphors -- what on earth is "to make a lightning bolt"? Are you trying to make lightning scurry away, or are you saying that you wanted to "bolt like lightning" These are TWO vastly different meanings; you'd do much better if you focus on building a story that comes alive when I read it.
A piece of writing like this.. well... i'm afraid it's lacking in any poetic value.
1st question: I couldn't think of any other title. Pathetic excuse yes, but you can't blame everything on my mood, can ya?
2nd question: I've only just started showing off my poems to people so it's kinda awkward and well . . . heh.
3rd question: I'm talking about my feelings towards the whole and my remorse. I did not feel a need to elaborate why the whole class was unhappy.
4th Question: Are there? Didn't realise. . .
5th Question: Seriously, none of my poems ever rhymed before, I really wanted to try some sort of rhyming. In the end, didn't work, I guess.
6th Question: I meant that I tried to make peace but it only got worse. Thanks for your comments.