Jonathan

• Mirumoto

  24 Aug 06, 04:13

  With gangrenous tunes foraging for moods
  the gentle silence jostles its way
  Litany of questions best left on the shelf
  Pause
  And hear yourself think
  And with the passing of time ,
  The loose notes let themselves sink
  Into the comfortable hues of colours
  Fidget.
  Stop it.
  Stop shaking already.
  Before the excuses set in
  To visualise, a sudden spray of purplish green
  Permeating the room with longing and unforgiving waves of...
  Nausea.
  Wake up!
  Dont spill the coffee!
  So whilst you stir in your sleep
  As I might know - later on.
  This strange song. This song of silence
  The singing continues into the night
  
  Nausea.
  Sleep.
  Dreams don't always lie.
  
  Comments appreciated! Thank you!
  
• Bluesky_Liz

  24 Aug 06, 10:53

  It seems to be about someone taking LSD in the midst of a depression.
  
  I'll admit I'm not sure what exactly you are trying to get at here.
• expiringpoet

  24 Aug 06, 15:30

  Must confess it's a bit too abstract. Read it twice and still unsure about what the poem is really trying to say, altho there are disturbing undercurrents of mood in the poem that are obvious
• prayingbudda

  24 Aug 06, 19:52

  i do agree with Bluesky_Liz and expiringpoet- i don't really know what this is about, but i find it disturbing.
  
  and i really like the idea in "Dreams don't always lie."
• Mirumoto

  25 Aug 06, 03:42

  Thanks for the comments guys!
  
  I wrote this to describe the crazy ringing that goes on in my ears in an enclosed space (does anyone have the same experience? stay in a car and be completely silent - switch off the engine as well, and that noise sets in). In this case with my best friend , who is jonathan, We were just sharing an awkward moment of silence over a sensitive topic. "Silence is golden" . "Never a misplaced silence" - my silence just happens to be really crazy ringing ,driving me up a few walls once in a while
  
  Anyone can relate to this?
• Mirumoto

  25 Aug 06, 03:43

  ooops! please ignore this post! i clicked quote instead of edit! sorry!
• expiringpoet

  25 Aug 06, 05:59

  Originally posted by Mirumoto:

  Thanks for the comments guys!
  
  I wrote this to describe the crazy ringing that goes on in my ears in an enclosed space (does anyone have the same experience? stay in a car and be completely silent - switch off the engine as well, and that noise sets in). In this case with my best friend , who is jonathan, We were just sharing an awkward moment of silence over a sensitive topic. "Silence is golden" . "Never a misplaced silence" - my silence just happens to be really crazy ringing ,driving me up a few walls once in a while
  
  Anyone can relate to this?

  So your title is 'Jonathon', but the poem seems to be about your feelings more than it is about him? I'm confused... perhaps it'd be more helpful to the reader if you could focus the poem slightly. Just a suggestion. it'll make reading and understanding easier for the readers.
• Bluesky_Liz

  25 Aug 06, 09:09

  I can relate to what you just explained.
  
  But as for the poem, I think you've gone too abstract for your readers to understand your message. IMHO, it's easy for you to make the connections because you wrote it, it's not so easy for readers to discern what you mean by just reading those seemingly abstract fragments. Just a suggestion: it might be better if you were more direct with a mix of a few abstract elements, rather than having the poem entirely abstract in nature.
  
  
• MoonIce

  28 Aug 06, 11:40

  Originally posted by Mirumoto:

  Thanks for the comments guys!
  
  I wrote this to describe the crazy ringing that goes on in my ears in an enclosed space (does anyone have the same experience? stay in a car and be completely silent - switch off the engine as well, and that noise sets in). In this case with my best friend , who is jonathan, We were just sharing an awkward moment of silence over a sensitive topic. "Silence is golden" . "Never a misplaced silence" - my silence just happens to be really crazy ringing ,driving me up a few walls once in a while
  
  Anyone can relate to this?

  orh this silence i know
  me got same same experience sometimes
  
  once u mention it is silence i sorta know wat the whole poem abt
  
  but could do with a hint of noise somewhat
• DeadPoet

  31 Aug 06, 02:22

  Originally posted by Mirumoto:

  Thanks for the comments guys!
  
  I wrote this to describe the crazy ringing that goes on in my ears in an enclosed space (does anyone have the same experience? stay in a car and be completely silent - switch off the engine as well, and that noise sets in). In this case with my best friend , who is jonathan, We were just sharing an awkward moment of silence over a sensitive topic. "Silence is golden" . "Never a misplaced silence" - my silence just happens to be really crazy ringing ,driving me up a few walls once in a while
  
  Anyone can relate to this?

  This remind me of a story...
  
  I will tell you guys about it next time.