the greatest rejection
-
The Greatest Rejection
It is more than wilted
flowers painfully placed
in a garden from one
(ex-)lover to another.
More than watching the
enjoyment and hearing
the laughter of people
as they point at you.
It surpasses the long
awaited ring of the
telephone, only to
realise it isn't for you
and goes further than
the laconic "no" that
little children stomp
their feet after.
It is when silence
becomes a familiar
colloquy and when
stillness is coaxed
into crushing
the earth.
Where "absence"
connotes more than
denotes and where
either and or are
forced to exist
asynchronously.
It first appears as the
forgotten story-teller,
and progresses to
the inscription of
"nonchalance" on
wet concrete left,
in the open, to dry.
It is when loss
is more than a
mere ache within,
encompassing the
demise of the man
subjected to its
most
Â…Â….sorry
...............fate. -
hi prayingbudda,
I like this one, really works for me
It is when silence
becomes a familiar
colloquy and when
stillness is coaxed
into crushing
the earth.
---the above stanza is really good, I love the imagery in this one. Overall you've got some pretty nice imageries in this one. Not sure if "colloquy" is a typo tho.
More pls! -
I like the feeling that is conveyed... though i would prefer it if the line breaks were made differently... It would have lent more force to the poem if the breaks were made differently like for the stanzas below:
It surpasses
the long awaited ring
of the telephone,
only to realise it isn't for you
and goes further
than the laconic "no"
that little children stomp
their feet after.
there were quite a few i felt could be rearranged to make it stronger. -
I quite enjoyed reading this.
There are some unnecessary commas in a couple of places, but particularly in the second last strophe. -
expiringpoet: hrm.it isn't a typo. is it jarring? have i misused the word?
KittynMeow: i do agree with you- the two stanzas are stronger with your line breaks. how do you decipher when and where to have a line break? it's something i find quite difficuilt to do.
Bluesky_Liz: i really like what you brought up- it was something i didn't take note of when i wrote this. in fact, i never really asked myself if the commas were unnecessary. thank you for the reminder!
last but not least, thank you thank you thank you for the comments! i will look into the poem again -
nice nice
got emotional appeal -
Nope, my mistake totally. Confused the word with soliloquy...heh!Originally posted by prayingbudda:expiringpoet: hrm.it isn't a typo. is it jarring? have i misused the word? -
how do you decipher when and where to have a line break?
There's no hard and fast rule. Usually other than at the end of a comma or fullstop, poets like to break off after a noun or a verb to add emphasis, but you also want to pay attention to sound -- the pause it creates. You just have to play around and see what is best. What you will find is that you can create different visual effects that may add or impede the reading the poem just by rearranging where you break a line off. -
Like Liz said, there's no hard and fast rule. But one way I would do it is I tend to focus on what is the most important mood / action / tone that I want to emphasise in that sentence, then I'll play around with the line breaks i.e. whether breaking the line after the key word I wanted to emphasise sounds better or otherwise.Originally posted by prayingbudda:KittynMeow: i do agree with you- the two stanzas are stronger with your line breaks. how do you decipher when and where to have a line break? it's something i find quite difficuilt to do.
It would help to try reading out your poem out loud too... to hear how it sounds. And when you do that, you may find that breaking the line on words like "the", "when" and "and" etc may sound as though there's something missing... It could be a hint that you should relook at the breaks in that particular line... -
okay. thank y'all so much
this is fab. putting up poems here isn't that scary after all.
and i learnt stuff!
-
You are most welcome to post here prayingbudda!Originally posted by prayingbudda:okay. thank y'all so much
this is fab. putting up poems here isn't that scary after all.
and i learnt stuff! -
Hey Prayingbuddha,
You've got yourself a fan..... Loved the images you've painted. -
hey blue_blue_bedsheet
thanks! that's really really encouraging -
i like the imagery that is present -- well done
but what i'm a little uncomfortable with, is the length of the verses -- truncated, they don't sing with the rhythm and cadence of oral speech. And like Liz said, the line breaks are a little awkward.
But very well done -
The last three lines make me feel like saying, 'It's going to be a long year...'
-
I like that part too!Originally posted by SingaporeMacross:The last three lines make me feel like saying, 'It's going to be a long year...'
-
i need to work very very hard on my line breaks. i realised that i have quite a problem with line breaks.Originally posted by peebrain:i like the imagery that is present -- well done
but what i'm a little uncomfortable with, is the length of the verses -- truncated, they don't sing with the rhythm and cadence of oral speech. And like Liz said, the line breaks are a little awkward.
But very well done
could you explain to me what you mean when you say that the length of my verses are truncated? pretty please -
Originally posted by prayingbudda:
I really enjoyed this poem, particularly, "It surpasses the long....".
[b]The Greatest Rejection
It is more than wilted
flowers painfully placed
in a garden from one
(ex-)lover to another.
More than watching the
enjoyment and hearing
the laughter of people
as they point at you.
It surpasses the long
awaited ring of the
telephone, only to
realise it isn't for you
and goes further than
the laconic "no" that
little children stomp
their feet after.
It is when silence
becomes a familiar
colloquy and when
stillness is coaxed
into crushing
the earth.
Where "absence"
connotes more than
denotes and where
either and or are
forced to exist
asynchronously.
It first appears as the
forgotten story-teller,
and progresses to
the inscription of
"nonchalance" on
wet concrete left,
in the open, to dry.
It is when loss
is more than a
mere ache within,
encompassing the
demise of the man
subjected to its
most
Â…Â….sorry
...............fate.[/b]
I assume the rejection is not something which happened in an instant but something which has been brewing...some mental toture of waiting?
"and goes further than
the laconic "no" that
little children stomp
their feet after."
Wow...i feel i almost connected to this one. Mixed emotions stirring and jumbling inside. Sad, angry...funny n cute =) -
Originally posted by prayingbudda:
good poem
[b]The Greatest Rejection
It is more than wilted
flowers painfully placed
in a garden from one
(ex-)lover to another.
More than watching the
enjoyment and hearing
the laughter of people
as they point at you.
It surpasses the long
awaited ring of the
telephone, only to
realise it isn't for you
and goes further than
the laconic "no" that
little children stomp
their feet after.
It is when silence
becomes a familiar
colloquy and when
stillness is coaxed
into crushing
the earth.
Where "absence"
connotes more than
denotes and where
either and or are
forced to exist
asynchronously.
It first appears as the
forgotten story-teller,
and progresses to
the inscription of
"nonchalance" on
wet concrete left,
in the open, to dry.
It is when loss
is more than a
mere ache within,
encompassing the
demise of the man
subjected to its
most
Â…Â….sorry
...............fate.[/b]