No, not me....
Imagine a life you live which is not yours... It's not about you nor the things or people you love.... Imagine if you cannot be....?
No, it's not me.... It's not my life.... Yes, it's me but how long can I run along free....?
Originally posted by Devil1976:A peek into the future / my dream
It has been so long since I've experienced such a strong sense of emotion. Of late only happiness and some anger if I permits it to grow... So long since I last really felt 'upset'. So very long even since I last cried. Little do I expect it to come in my dream... Knowing always been that my dream is make up of my daily visual experience... Like the last time I ever cried so hard in my dream.. It's SO REAL that even after one has woke up from it, it's just so hard not to believe it's real... Have I really dreamt because I've peeked into the future...? Have I dreamt because I need to know...? The need to know what would be going on in my future? Or a need to know that I'm still able to feel....? A need to cry because I've long lost this part of my emotions...?
I woke with this 3rd attempt at my already broken down lap top. Not daring to turn on the lights... Afraiding that everything would just go away too quickly... On this dark groomy moring... Raining day it has been, mosquito attacking me... Yet I dare not bring on the light to face it. Reality, too quickly it shall wash away everything within me... Just days before my birthday, a perfect gift for me....?
I was in a building. One which I afterwards tried to recall, seems to be of significant green. Large balcony like those of Vivocity facing the sea... Spiral staircase by the side leading up this tall building... Try very hard though as to dismiss it. I couldn't help but to think all these just parts of formulations of my daily lives..
I was with a lady who doesn't really look like who she is today. A baby of ours. I've later thought the reason why she didn't look like who she is today is because this is naturally somewhere in the future... She looked somewhere in her early 40s... The baby felt young. If not, I've hardly got to see the baby anytime before... Very unfamilar to me.
Then there was this accident and the building collapsed. Is this purely a dream? I recall of the recent earthquake episodes in Indonesia. Is this what it just is? Make up of my daily memories and anticipation?
Alot of us went 'down'. It was a strange journey which happened too quickly. We went on a strange trip through a few obstacles.. Some just lost themselves along the way.. While a couple of us who see it through to the end of the journey came to this tricky wooden slab trick floating above the dark water just before our final destination....
Our arrival. Then each of us were asked by turn of what we wish to request for. A chance to go back to the existing land where we came from? Or a chance for reincarnation? We then pour personal item we use quickly into a swirling small dark pond of water.... Before a dark figure in hood. Some of us (like myself) do not have personal item with us, so it just squeeze a green color paste out of what seems like a colgate toothpaste.
My turn. Then it happened. Many before me had opted not to go back to their existing world. Is it just too sad for them to go back? Or they just wish to try something new? I thought I've lived my life long enough to get bored of it too? Perhaps I should really try living a new me and a completely new life of its own...? As people made funny cries for a 'good life', 'healthy life' or 'millionaire life'... It sounded more and more like they're the ones who are dreaming.... By the time it's my turn... I thought of her. And I would really wish to go back to her in this existing world. To see who's baby she might be carrying with her. I asked of the others. "Don't you just wish to see your loved one(s) anymore?"
I opted to return. The swirl absorbed the green paste the mysterious figure put in for me... What seems like minutes but quickly, I was told I would be reincarnated into a different life. Someone 'ugly'. (Well, after I've checked.. Not really that ugly?) Someone strong and powerful. (Physically and politically) I was told then that I would be 'introduced' to myself. Saw myself got into a fight with another big guy. Strange thing is that I seems to be looking from a 3rd person's view and the 1st party perspective at the same time. 'I' got into a nasty fight. But soon enough a bunch of guys in suits walked over and took the guy away for an even more nasty beating... They then brought him to see their 'head'. Who was smiling at me by the time which... I was following quite closely behind their trail... Just to walk to an open stair on the beach to collect a copy of the newspaper...
Then I was brought back before the dark figure behind the swirling pond.... That's when I was told to reflect on my own life. And told I don't deserve to get back into it. Might as well live a new life. Where I pleaded with it and started to cry.... So very much just because of her....
The next moment I just found myself teleported onto a train.... Where I sat crying... Wondering what would she have opted for? And would I ever get to see her again.... She appeared shortly just behind me on the train. Explained that she has opted to 'go on' to the next life.... I told her 'but....' She then quickly just vanished....
I arrived in a room. We were given an 'identity card' much bigger than expected. We were then told to quickly look for signs of clues given from that 'card' from within the room, move along and follow the hints and instructions... At least I didn't wanted to as this wasn't my option. But things happened too quickly that I didn't seems to have much of a choice. My 'spirit' felt weak as if I was disappearing. I just had to act fast...
I quickly followed a few clues through and got sort of hypnotised.... The next thing I know, I found myself of the bed. Next to the girl who is now one of the closest to me. Uncontrollably, I just started to cry..... So much... Only this time unlike in my dream, it was real... She looked at me a little dazed... Tried to comfort me.... I couldn't speak a word but to cry... Wondering and confused as to which part of it is really a dream.... So very glad yet shocked to find that I've actually been given a chance to 'come back'.... From what I thought was impossible but a straight journey away from all this....
I hugged her close, not willing to let go.... What I've wanted so much to come back for.... She kept asking me not to cry.... Although I've later explained and she assured me that it's only a dream...
And I've figured too many things from within it were just like parts and parcels of visual memories from within my own life.... It could have easily explained why I can piece up and experienced such a dream... One thing I couldn't quite figured is.... Why that 'format'? Why that particular content which I'm totally stranger to and have no previous experience of....? And it just all seems to much of a 'coincidence'....
Somehow I just couldn't help but to think that some of our dreams are here to deliver a message or 2.... And that they previously didn't appear simply because they lack the 'bridge' / language or building blocks for that to happen......
......
~ Past Lives.....
Sometimes I just feel like starting a blog... In this blog, I'll feel an urge... To talk about my past lives.... Like I'm still laying down there... Waiting for someone or something to pick me up.... To tell of my stories which were never meant to be told.... Of things I could have never really let go.....
Of my everyday lives from point to point.... Out on the screen, pictures me.....
I never did was a person who wishes to share.....
Too much..... My heart can't bear.......
A Long Journey to..... Today.....
Intoxicating.... But alcohols do not numb my senses... They do not purify my soul and bring me where I wish to be.... So far is our heaven that we've just travelled one big circle just to find ourselves lost within it... Back to where we were. Leaving we bewildered. To laugh or to cry?
So long was that stretch of road... I did not realised how far I have travelled... To get me here today. I couldn't remember where I have passed and what monsters I have thrown behind me... Yet of the equally long road spread out wide in front of me... I do not see all possibilities... Though beautiful it may seems... Often just leading to a dead end in the valley...
I do not wish to place... Myself where I see me... Nor on a spot of complete darkness... Not knowing how long I've been rotting... I want to choose a spot. A spot where all spotlights are on me. Comfortably smoothing warm... And there, I wish I could just rest my feet.....
But then motions... It's these which brought me where I am today... Though tired at times.. The journey just shouldn't end there... And the spotlights.... And people clapping around you.... So bright... You just couldn't tell them apart....
Today. I just felt like putting on a disappearing act. No need to answer the questions. Nor write in my book. Today shall be a blank page on my diary. A very silent day.
Today, I've wish for so many things... Yet it's from today which I've learnt.... There're just so many things which I simply can't control... Do not seek for them no longer...
Let them come.... Let them go.....
The end~
I already couldn't stop what you've started.... The double-edged sword pill which you have swallowed... 2 separate paths down the line to meet death... Just different stories to accomodate the inevitable....
I already couldn't stand the pain which is building up within you and me.... The sensations which are intoxicating all our sanity..... The toxin which is slowly tearing us apart... As I've long seen and predicted it would happen.... But what's the use....? Foolishness.... You still opted for it just to regret on your decision......
I hold the book in my hand.... Pages of it tells me stories of sweet wantings... The rest of it are just burnt and torn pages.... Seemingly, they are to conspire something... Yet, of unknown pieces they're made of..... Chapters of all too familar memories slowly rising up into the air.... Do not take them away from me....? But please tell me what should I do? If I don't let go of them and erase them off my head.....? The thought of these acts alone is already too heavy a burden for my mind to hold....
Cracks in my head just like cracks in my spirit..... Slowly it tortures my body just like it's torturing yours.... Why does death always seems a better option from time to time.....? As it thickens in the air, every breath just seems so suffocating....
sick..... I couldn't think straight. It's affecting everything and everybody. I wish to close this chapter of my life but I couldn't seems to find its last page. Maybe I'm just sitting there and keep writing about it.... The pages just get longer and longer till I'm all lost in it......?
Why... tell me so many things when you've chosen to swallow the poison? Yet of all the ass I've always seems to be, I'm actually the one left with the least choices.... I just sat and watched others burnt up my options until it just numbs me..... At 1st I thought it was a terrifying experience... Later I realised that maybe I'm just back in hell....? I just watched as they burnt my skin into charcoals and ashes.... Leaving my broken spirit behind to suffer the aftermath of it.....
I love you..... Don't say it when you don't mean it they say. But so what even if you mean it? What difference would it mean? What help would it do....? I stood by you telling 'I love you's from the bottom of my heart, watching you as you continue to dig your grave....
Finally, you've found my buried book. For years, I've decided to keep it buried. Only years later, decided to share it with you.... Now, you slowly handed the book over to me. Move in to lie down on your own grave. Closed your eyes peacefully... Waiting as I filled in my last words in this chapter.... Carefully choosing my words... Reciting them out slowly to you as I do.....
Rainy Night....
Rainy night..... Too many mosquitoes' foots, fly....
Heavy invasions deep within the forest, dark corners lurking by the nights...
Cold. Wet. Senseless. Not a bit of fun with those slightest rest...
Painting the pictures which slowly fade away soaked in a large blurrish blunt.
Give me a cigarette, smoke is the only cloud which could clear my tortured mind...
Speak to me, I can't hear you. The heaven's pushing it's luck on me, my breathing's too heavy...
Lighter's my only hope, easily banished by the mocking rain.....
To where I belong.....
The me after the rain feels very worn out. Somehow I feel like I don't belong to this place. Like an outcast where everything goes wrong. Everything seems so alien for me... Like I was born on a different planet. Somewhere too far from home. Sometimes too tired & distant, I do not know where to start searching... Who to start talking to.... If there is anything right about all this at all, please show me a light and sign......?
Hi you loner.......
Don't know since when? No longer used to the feeling of being alone... The times I used to spend with myself... Facing my own spirit... So long I've not seen him in the face, he has slowly became a stranger to me....
It's like being slowly being sliced up... Separated..... And torn apart.... Among the lies this world keeps sending to me... About the pain that's building up within me... Yet like radiations that accumulates within my body, I can only subconsciously recognise its effects for now.... Till how long before it would wear me down and stop me completely I do not know.... Yet it's effects are scaringly undeniable...
It's this moment I stood, a broken down soldier.... And only after this 'war' would I know If I would survive a stronger man or just another corpse to be collected....
Spirits... Recollect me....?
Lost in transactions
"First, there was darkness in my life. Then, there was light. Then both of them appear in my life and it looks like any ordinary day. Finally, I was blind."
Lost yourself....
Sometimes don't you wish you could just slowly forget who you are....? Become the 'you' which is now lost.... Pick up pieces of your own trace... Putting them up together to take a good look at yourself... Like a picture painted on hundreds of shattered glass... Don't you just wish you could be yourself again....?
To give up on everything that you're currently holding onto... Not even being sure of the reason why you're holding on to them.... Watching fearfully as the reality might just fall off the walls like dried paints.... Slowly watching them as they disappear....
Don't you wish for once that something real would appear for once in your life....? Not like the many times when you look at things... Very uncertain even to if there're here to stay or do they even truly existed in the 1st place....?
Don't you even wish for once in your life.... Someone would walk up to you and tell you he's real....? To tell you real things and not just the things you wanna hear or the things they want you to hear.....?
Wishing that everything which is wrong would not be so wrong... Everything which is fake would just go away.... That when you sleep through your night, you can still wake up to the same beautiful things in your life again.....
And that nothing just slowly disppears in the background along with you......?
Law of natural affinity....
To be in love with someone you love and the one who truly loves you for who you are... Say.. How often are you attracted to another party? Are you sure who you love is who you want to love? Would you like the person to love you? Would you like the person to love you for who you are...?
Since we were young kids, we are often attracted to different kinds of figures... People whom we wondered how should we catch hold of their attention.. Despite the fact that you might love someone, do things which need be... Do you ask how long they would stay that way? And especially if he / she finds out you might not be what he / she wants... Are you prepared to risk that balance....?
For I would rather be myself... Nobody great, nobody noble... But it's the least that I could be.... May it be among the thorns... Or among the roses... I'm just what I'm made of.... If you're genuinely interested to look at my petals.... You shall see colours like you've never seen before... Patterns within patterns waiting for you to explore...
Do not attract for the sake of attracting for you would only be cheating on one's feelings... To bring disappointment to one would only bring disappointment within yourself in time to come....
Do not pretend.... Do not care for what others might see you otherwise... Because you're a flower.... Nothing less.... Nothing more.....
Sadness......
Like a room which is so quiet and silent. Nothing seems to move. Nobody says a thing. So dark and deep you can't see. So tired and sleepy is this feeling, makes you feel like going to bed and never to wake again. Makes you wonder but don't want to know... Don't want to see... Don't want to think....
Why so many... Things which are purposely set wrong so that this world seems upside down and ugly. And outside of this room, it's always raining... Not a drop on you yet you feel drenched with misery..
Why is it that it's something so simple you want which often is made so complicated... Why is it that no matter how hard you try, people just seems to make it harder for you... Why does it seems that people just want to see you bleed... That you seems to have so little choices in this world but to live it the way it is today....
Stop. Not that it's gonna happen... Very quiet, yet so distracting... Very silent yet so confusing.... Breathing, breathing.... Waiting for everything to stop.
Love, Love Love.....?
Once upon a time... It seems.... Love was so pure and innocent... So simple.... Daddy love mummy and mummy love daddy... And that is LOVE! But OH... Why do I have to grow up... To see how daddy 'love' mummy.... And mummy.....
For a start, 'love' ain't that pretty anymore... More like petty if you ask me.... MAKE 'SEX'! NOT WAR! How many sex nowadays truly consist purely of LOVE....?
And to think of HOW it SHOULD be done and the correct methology to go about doing it... LOVE! Just how long would you LIVE...?? If you were even ever there before....??
LOVE, can you tell me how you're done?? The correct way to nurture you..... Not expecting any return.... LOVE! ARE you STUPID...?? Or do you think that I'm stupid or do I look stupid to you...?? LOVE... Tell me when you're done and over with okie...? Because you're SO HEAVY, you're wearing me out.....
LOVE, put on a SMILE. DON'T turn your back against me.... I can think of a thousand reasons why I DO NOT need you! But it's just BEYOND those reasonings that I'm needing you so...
LOVE, won't you look at me? Why can't you understand? Why can't you see...? Why do you still do that thing ya do if you could understand me....? LOVE, should I just forget about you altogether....?
LOVE, do you only visit me in my dreams...? Is that why my sleep always seems SO NICE but YET when I wake, EVERYTHING just seems so UNFAMILAR and DIFFERENT....??
LOVE, why won't you look at me....?? Why do you have to dig beyond SO DEEP IN.....?? I NEED TO HOLD YOU LOVE.... CAN'T YOU SEE....?? But you.... No... Pls don't tell me... Excuses and lies... I've had enough of them already... I just wanna rest... I just wanna live AFRESH. I just wish to be me again....
LOVE. Are you really mine.....?? If you are, why won't you just sit closer to me....? Why do you move....? Why do you blink...? Why do you wonder....? Why....? LOVE. If you're not mine, why are you here?
LOVE. CAN'T YOU SEE? Are you BLIND? LOVE. WHY do you have to be so UP CLOSE WITHIN ME...? YET what ya send me are just COLD SHIVERS up my spine.... LOVE. I'm COLD. I think I'm DYING....??
LOVE. Don't look. Don't see. You need a rest. LOVE, how ugly is it really in this world we live in....? LOVE. Don't look. Close your eyes. Let me hug you warmly in my arms. I know you're FULL of THORNS, but I just wanna let you know... That I love you......
Am I dead yet....?
Tired.....?
Just attended an outing... The fact of going down after busy work apart... Tired... Where does that come from....? Looking at the guys laughing and talking reminded me of the years back when I was doing the same... My 'shifting'.... From a very quiet person to a very noisy one... To one who is a 'mix' in between to somehow today, rather quiet again..... Tired....?
It seems... I'm very much focused in my work nowadays, little thoughts are allowed to penetrate my mind again... Only worthy ones, positive ones....? Meaningful ones....? So deep... Buried within myself....
Tired...? Yes. Maybe? So many thoughts... The world so fake.... So unpredictable... Not that I'm truly afraid... But once I open myself to 'attacks'.... My pathetic leftover fragment of my heart it plays with.... The one I nurture over great deal of time.... Serve you right. Why didn't you keep to your part of the bargain Mr Devil?
On the short run, you'll seems to have limited choices... On the long run you might be 'shifted'... Play your part. Play your part WELL and you'll be your game with the ball in your hand, on your court.
Tired. When can I breathe again....? Still breathing so even deeply... Slowly... Could I be a Devil soon again...? Why the hesitations....? Time is watching..... PERFORM for APPLAUSE.
“ 第三世界 ”
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doubt
Just went to a movie with a friend. The name of the movie is 'doubt'. Like the controversy within the movie... Like the suspicions... Doubts.
"Don't worry, we'll know the outcome when the movie ends." My friend commented.
"How convenient?" I replied.
In life, the truth might often not be so defined. Perhaps not even at the 'end of the story'. People just presume that it's the 'end of the story' and stick to their own version of belief...
Unfortunately or fortunately, the 'truth' wasn't out in the end. A movie which lives up to its name and leave you with much to ponder and in doubt.....
We particularly like the analogy of 'pillow & feathers' as gossip. It reminds me of my own life and how people with much reservations in the beliefs of what they've heard, unreservingly accuse you of something? Perhaps it's their selfishness? Because at the end of the day, the knife won't be the one poking at them? Their nature? Their irresponsible fun-loving? The fact that they just wanna convince people of what they wanna believe, just like the sister in this movie....? And the fact that our principal told her teacher, the latter's believing in her own version of truth for the simplicity of it... Without really knowing that she's believing in her own version of it all because of her own stubbornness and perhaps with irony... 'Simplicity' as well....?
My life is full of 'pillows'.... And with the amount of 'feathers' created by them, people just tends to believe more.... Simply because most people believe what they see and hear without thinking over what they see and hear... Not like they need to care most of the time? And so, those people watching the 'feathers' would destroy their own 'pillows' and create more of their own 'feathers'.... 'Unintentional' perhaps some might say? I do not know... All I know for now is there're 'feathers' all around us... And most of the time, people are just selfish or blind?
Key Holders
this strange world. the relationship between the keys, the key holders & the key seekers.
for so long. it is believed that the world is round. yet little do people make note of it.
trapped behind each door, at least a soul. the door between the truth and the lies, and the people who abuses it. they seek for a simple gift. a gift they do not truly deserves. a gift which is free, so precious yet they distorted it all.
then they cried out loud. despair. lost. in a world of its own. created by themselves.
is this the joke they tell?
yet time. over. the answer which is so simple. doesn't take that brain to crack, only complicated by it. is it sad we can never understand? is it sad we take never accept?
the world we live in. our dreams. let theirs become ours, and ours become lost. they say what you have belongs to you. i say only if you know how to treasure and keep it.....