Devil's Inspirational Thoughts~3!
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The drizzle after the rain....~
Here I sit under my umbrella. Watching the drizzle after the heavy rain... So small my umbrella used to be... I seems to have made it bigger for the heavy rain... I recollect my thoughts of the pourings... Yes, I understand it has to be big. But now that the rain is beginning to stop... I should always remember. It's a small umbrella I'm carrying. It's a small umbrella I've walked out with in the 1st place. -
Suicidal...?
Funny this coming from a Mod of AA himself...? I can't remember when was the last time such thoughts even came to my mind... But here is how it goes..
One morning while going for work... In front of the MRT track, after the many unfortunate things which have happened in life... To myself... 'Injustice'... To Singapore... Suddenly felt tired... Wasn't really thinking but 'flashes' just came to mind... To end life and such... The thing is that it wasn't that scary... Because I'm not really one who's afraid of death in the 1st place... And I guess I've already achieved a certain level of control over my thoughts and mind... Also, I seems quite 'immunized' against suicide.. Probably because I've never really believe in it for a very very long time....
The experience was just strange and weird... Thought what would have happend if the experience had happened to someone else who isn't me...? -
Talk
It's ok.
You can't stop people from talking anyway.
People would continue to talk till the end of time,
regardless of its practicality & reality....
Why not just join them and rot....? -
Track of Time
Lost. No longer standing anywhere specific. Meanings have lost their meanings & we're about to get wasted.
But it's ok. Fear not. There's always an end to the road. -
After life
What if what comes after life is still life? Would it be tiring...?
Would they be connected...? What different rules would they play....?
Is it suppose to be a scary thought....?
Is it suppose to be a delightful one....?
An 'after-life'? -
that particular morning~
I recall my secondary school days.... Busy mornings... Always up to catch the 1st bus to my school or I'll be late... Always, from my home... across the bridge... fast paced... barely the chance to watch the cars spin by beneath me..... Always in a hurry to make it in time... or end up standing at the back of the school.... The days I did not even dare to slow my pace for a second....
But it was that particular morning... I was up very early... So early that the particular morning was particularly quiet and I was particularly alone.... So early that I've just got too much time on my hand to spare... I strolled slowly across the bridge.... Looked down at the cars... The trees... Their flowers under the dim light.... It was that particular morning that I suddenly felt as alive as the flowers.... As if they've been looking at me everyday as I passed them by.... Greeted me, but I just failed to notice... "Good morning flowers."
And then there was this particular morning when I was late... Real late for school... I knew I was gonna be punished for sure... So I strolled.. Once again... Greeted my flowers... Watched the birds and hear them sing.... I was reprimanded but I felt in a certain other way uplifted in my spirits... That life is more than just about rules we have to follow blindly....
Somehow I envy the flowers... They can't walk and travel around like us... but yet they seems to see so much more than us....? From there on, I told myself... I wish to be as wise as the flowers.... You need not have eyes to feel the world around you..... -
I talk to trees.
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Used to... My flavorite place was East Coast....Originally posted by DeadPoet:I talk to trees. 
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"What if we're already dead...? What if all this is but just a bad dream....?"
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There is a heaven and hell... and we are all now in hell... cause this IS hell.. look around you.Originally posted by Devil1976:"What if we're already dead...? What if all this is but just a bad dream....?" -
Complimentary of the night
"Do you know why I feel so miserable by myself...? Do you know I feel so lonely...? Do you know why I feel so alone.....? Do you know why I feel so helpless against myself.... No match for myself... Teach me how to fight..."
"Do you know how could I cross the line... Step over it, and never to return again... Do you know how to bring me so far away....?"
"Do you know I stand alone? Miserable, isolated, creation of myself. Do you know I'm paralysed?"
"Do you know that I love you, miss you...? Teach me to touch you again...? Teach me to feel you again..." -
Gifted bonds
Forward, it takes not just a man but many... Not just creation but unity to strive the way through... Not just you and me especially when you cannot see yet wanna claim... What how special it is all to me... That texts, words, languages just confsuses me even more..
tHat SOOnnn I wouold not be able to understandb hwta's going on in my mind... htat functiosn i once believed in are not working anymore... so as i wake one day... i shall find all the euquations dissoleved on our mindss.... -
...... I have my own hypothesis... And I think they're coming true....? .....Originally posted by BadzMaro:There is a heaven and hell... and we are all now in hell... cause this IS hell.. look around you. -
Fairy Tales...
I remember the place they call fairyland.... Where people create their imaginations and let tales live alive.... A place where people are happy and joyful to be.... A place where good wins over the evil and they celebrate 'happily-ever-after'.....
But yet little do I realised that I've already created my own magic.... Little do I realise that many happy smiling creatures live today... Among the thorns and roses, they peeked out and smiled at me.... I've created my own 'happy land' with a bunch of smiling faces.....
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A peek into the future / my dream
It has been so long since I've experienced such a strong sense of emotion. Of late only happiness and some anger if I permits it to grow... So long since I last really felt 'upset'. So very long even since I last cried. Little do I expect it to come in my dream... Knowing always been that my dream is make up of my daily visual experience... Like the last time I ever cried so hard in my dream.. It's SO REAL that even after one has woke up from it, it's just so hard not to believe it's real... Have I really dreamt because I've peeked into the future...? Have I dreamt because I need to know...? The need to know what would be going on in my future? Or a need to know that I'm still able to feel....? A need to cry because I've long lost this part of my emotions...?
I woke with this 3rd attempt at my already broken down lap top. Not daring to turn on the lights... Afraiding that everything would just go away too quickly... On this dark groomy moring... Raining day it has been, mosquito attacking me... Yet I dare not bring on the light to face it. Reality, too quickly it shall wash away everything within me... Just days before my birthday, a perfect gift for me....?
I was in a building. One which I afterwards tried to recall, seems to be of significant green. Large balcony like those of Vivocity facing the sea... Spiral staircase by the side leading up this tall building... Try very hard though as to dismiss it. I couldn't help but to think all these just parts of formulations of my daily lives..
I was with a lady who doesn't really look like who she is today. A baby of ours. I've later thought the reason why she didn't look like who she is today is because this is naturally somewhere in the future... She looked somewhere in her early 40s... The baby felt young. If not, I've hardly got to see the baby anytime before... Very unfamilar to me.
Then there was this accident and the building collapsed. Is this purely a dream? I recall of the recent earthquake episodes in Indonesia. Is this what it just is? Make up of my daily memories and anticipation?
Alot of us went 'down'. It was a strange journey which happened too quickly. We went on a strange trip through a few obstacles.. Some just lost themselves along the way.. While a couple of us who see it through to the end of the journey came to this tricky wooden slab trick floating above the dark water just before our final destination....
Our arrival. Then each of us were asked by turn of what we wish to request for. A chance to go back to the existing land where we came from? Or a chance for reincarnation? We then pour personal item we use quickly into a swirling small dark pond of water.... Before a dark figure in hood. Some of us (like myself) do not have personal item with us, so it just squeeze a green color paste out of what seems like a colgate toothpaste.
My turn. Then it happened. Many before me had opted not to go back to their existing world. Is it just too sad for them to go back? Or they just wish to try something new? I thought I've lived my life long enough to get bored of it too? Perhaps I should really try living a new me and a completely new life of its own...? As people made funny cries for a 'good life', 'healthy life' or 'millionaire life'... It sounded more and more like they're the ones who are dreaming.... By the time it's my turn... I thought of her. And I would really wish to go back to her in this existing world. To see who's baby she might be carrying with her. I asked of the others. "Don't you just wish to see your loved one(s) anymore?"
I opted to return. The swirl absorbed the green paste the mysterious figure put in for me... What seems like minutes but quickly, I was told I would be reincarnated into a different life. Someone 'ugly'. (Well, after I've checked.. Not really that ugly?) Someone strong and powerful. (Physically and politically) I was told then that I would be 'introduced' to myself. Saw myself got into a fight with another big guy. Strange thing is that I seems to be looking from a 3rd person's view and the 1st party perspective at the same time. 'I' got into a nasty fight. But soon enough a bunch of guys in suits walked over and took the guy away for an even more nasty beating... They then brought him to see their 'head'. Who was smiling at me by the time which... I was following quite closely behind their trail... Just to walk to an open stair on the beach to collect a copy of the newspaper...
Then I was brought back before the dark figure behind the swirling pond.... That's when I was told to reflect on my own life. And told I don't deserve to get back into it. Might as well live a new life. Where I pleaded with it and started to cry.... So very much just because of her....
The next moment I just found myself teleported onto a train.... Where I sat crying... Wondering what would she have opted for? And would I ever get to see her again.... She appeared shortly just behind me on the train. Explained that she has opted to 'go on' to the next life.... I told her 'but....' She then quickly just vanished....
I arrived in a room. We were given an 'identity card' much bigger than expected. We were then told to quickly look for signs of clues given from that 'card' from within the room, move along and follow the hints and instructions... At least I didn't wanted to as this wasn't my option. But things happened too quickly that I didn't seems to have much of a choice. My 'spirit' felt weak as if I was disappearing. I just had to act fast...
I quickly followed a few clues through and got sort of hypnotised.... The next thing I know, I found myself of the bed. Next to the girl who is now one of the closest to me. Uncontrollably, I just started to cry..... So much... Only this time unlike in my dream, it was real... She looked at me a little dazed... Tried to comfort me.... I couldn't speak a word but to cry... Wondering and confused as to which part of it is really a dream.... So very glad yet shocked to find that I've actually been given a chance to 'come back'.... From what I thought was impossible but a straight journey away from all this....
I hugged her close, not willing to let go.... What I've wanted so much to come back for.... She kept asking me not to cry.... Although I've later explained and she assured me that it's only a dream...
And I've figured too many things from within it were just like parts and parcels of visual memories from within my own life.... It could have easily explained why I can piece up and experienced such a dream... One thing I couldn't quite figured is.... Why that 'format'? Why that particular content which I'm totally stranger to and have no previous experience of....? And it just all seems to much of a 'coincidence'....
Somehow I just couldn't help but to think that some of our dreams are here to deliver a message or 2.... And that they previously didn't appear simply because they lack the 'bridge' / language or building blocks for that to happen...... -
chiem
Just blow candles and chill lah... -
One Night's Stand - Be myself
I wander off into this particular 'strange' night.... Nothing special enough, yet I just wish I could be myself again....
Doing nothing, I just sat and waited. Images flashing all of myself... How could I have been who I am today... Once again, questioning who I want to be....
Is it bad to be bad? Is it bad to be myself....? If it a good thing not to be? So far from my past....
I just sat like I'm waiting for my life to be wasted away.... Just like the way I'm breathing now... Is it bad to be a devil? Is it a good thing PRETENDING not to be one?
Is it good to change my mentality and concepts? Is it nice to challenge them? Is it time once again for me to just sat down and 'do nothing'?
Is it difficult to find someone you can truly talk to....? Someone who can truly understand you....? Someone who is close enough but not commited enough like it used to be to share your stories to...? Someone who is not too close to tear up your tracks....?
Is it nice not to be understood? Does it feels good totally not bothered by others' judgements and silly thoughts & speculations...?
Are you really that small in your world?
Is it really yourself you're missing....? -
It's really that difficult to find someone you can trust and be able to openly talk to at the same time now.... Isn't it?
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Quiet people
A old lady chatting with me. Fancy me chatting, someone that old. And yet I enjoyed her company. Her smile and laughters. The way she view things. Strange?
I just thought how pitiful she might be.. If there's no one to talk to her. If everyone ignores her. But how really happy she could be, simply by me talking to her...
I thought about my dad who nags at me. Tell me of boring things. Saying things to piss me off and irritates me. No longer given the chance of doing so.
I think about my mum. How I just distanced from her. Because of the way she had treated me. The way she had abused me. No longer the priviledge.
I think about people who slowly and once again I grow distant to. People who slowly I can no longer trust and probably at the same time do not trust me. I think about the things I've done for them. I think about the things people have done to me.
I think of people who I do not wish to see. People who doubts me.
I think I do not want to know.
Slowly.
People just wear their respective masks. And keep quiet to each other. -
double posting.
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My wrong predictions...
Time and over again, I've always told myself that I'll be logical and cool... And it would be nice to take a short break from her.... To be with myself and do the things I wanna do....
Yet time and over again, I've been proven to be wrong.... That the day seems weird when it ends without her.... Despite her effort to suggest we keep in touch through phone which I've always politely rejected....
Day and over again I see.... And it's days like these which I'm able to tell... My predictions are all wrong..... -
My days.....
Today. No day seems to be a good day, but it'll never seems the worst. A moment you were after, next moment it'll be gone. Hold on. Treasure your very moment and existence. Grab on, and soon it shall be lost....
Tomorrow will be a very good day, that's what they'll always say.. But if tomorrow's really a great day then why do they just dig their days away...? Is it grave we're after, the finishing line which says.... Wait.
What if today is the last day and we shall wake up no more. Then what day would it make tomorrow? -
My artist
I feel very much obligated to write about this one... I've met my artist yesterday and somehow the chemistry just came between the 2 of us and I've given my '1st time' to him....
I can't help but to write about him because I feel that somehow we seems to be very close creatures.... Both lover of arts and philosophies... Seeing things in depth and beauty in dimensions....
The only main difference between him and me for that I know of for now... I suppose... Is that I've chose a job which is earning me a living while I slowly learn to like it.... And himself in a job which he is totally passionately in love with.... I mean.... Just looking and feeling the way he works, I would not have a single moment of doubt... I've found my right man..... -
The silent heel....
Was at a Masam Malam just now. Saw something I really felt like eating.
I queued up behind a lady who was buying from this man tending the stall... His look was really weird... As he worked, he kept looking around in a very weird manner.... His behavior somehow very awkard... Suddenly I began to feel uneasy... I started looking around his stall.. Wondering if he's in his right frame of mind.... Whether I should be buying from him... Or move on to a next stall to do my purchasing...
Then a China man picked up one of the stall's drink... Shouted at the tender... "How much??" He didn't reply but just kept working his way in a weird manner... As the China man tried to shake the melted ice water off the can.... He replied... "Boss, how much...?" The guy just continued to prepare his food for the lady though he obviously saw the China man....
The China man dropped the drink back into the box and walked off.... I thought the guy was rude to have just ignored the question... As he wasn't interested to sell to a China man...? Racist...?
I continued to observe him as he finished up... The lady paid him. He looked around once again, picking up a packet of prepared food.. Shrugged his shoulder at me. I pointed to him what I want. He shown me a hand sign... $1 or $2? I smiled at him.. I pointed $1. He pointed at the food he just freshly picked... Showing me '$2'.... I smiled once again... I shook my head... Politely let him know that I can only finish '$1' share.... He quickly prepared another one for me.... I continued to look at him....
This guy who was mute and deaf..... Alone in his own quiet world.... -
Happiness - Lost & found
I remember the time back then when I was a very pessimistic person.. Then when I got out of the mountain, a VERY HAPPY person.... People were saying they're after happiness in their lives... Some books even say being human is about being happy.... It made me wonder back then, what meaning would my life still hold if that's true? At that period of my life it was like.... Happiness is just a part of me.... And it just can't stop flowing through me....
Crush and burns... Ups and downs... Maybe it was the scars which were left on me back then...? Maybe a meteor has not strike me since ages...? As I continue to walk along my life I managed to do something which I was not able to do no matter how hard I've tried back then.... Yes.. I tried to see if it's possible for me to feel sad or depressed during that point of my life but I just found it IMPOSSIBLE... But today I just find myself walking up this route to silent hill.....
People say you've got to look and search for happiness, and they often don't just come to you.... What if you've been searching but you just couldn't find it....?
Perhaps it's not because happiness is hidden far from you....? Maybe it's just out there beside you all this while, but you've failed to recognise it as you're too busy with all other things.....?
The next time you're too busy working your arse out.... Don't just mood yourself over the things you can't get, can't finish and can't achieve alone..... Perhaps you should also really be focusing on the things you've accomplished and achieved in your life....? And if that's just not enough.. Learn to share your harmony with the rest of the world around you....? And yes.... Please....
Don't be narrow-minded.... Be 'narrow-minded'.....
