Factory dolls

• Mirumoto

  9 Aug 06, 04:53

  Factory dolls
  
  wax lyrical darling.
  And remind me of your listless mornings
  where coffees and tabletop arguments reign
  Amazing mondays and their missing miracles
  
  Scent , perfume, memory.
  So here we linger in our newfound glory
  Juggling the fool and the hierophant with love
  Freeze in the swealtering jungle heat - and breathe
  
  Of noon showers , and naps
  Funny how the sun tilts slightly
  And froths in fits , undeveloped passion.
  Your sewage of dreams
  
  Evening. Lanky shadows. Loose silk.
  Don't try too hard with the talking
  Krall plays in the background. Hear. See
  Serial drams , animes . sub-zero cameras to buy
  
  Would you forgive me?
  
  =======================
  
  I wrote this on whim , please do comment on how to improve it! Thanks alot!
• expiringpoet

  11 Aug 06, 01:02

  Originally posted by Mirumoto:

  Factory dolls
  
  wax lyrical darling.
  And remind me of your listless mornings
  where coffees and tabletop arguments reign
  Amazing mondays and their missing miracles
  
  Scent , perfume, memory.
  So here we linger in our newfound glory
  Juggling the fool and the hierophant with love
  Freeze in the swealtering jungle heat - and breathe
  
  Of noon showers , and naps
  Funny how the sun tilts slightly
  And froths in fits , undeveloped passion.
  Your sewage of dreams
  
  Evening. Lanky shadows. Loose silk.
  Don't try too hard with the talking
  Krall plays in the background. Hear. See
  Serial drams , animes . sub-zero cameras to buy
  
  Would you forgive me?
  
  =======================
  
  I wrote this on whim , please do comment on how to improve it! Thanks alot!

  Hi Mirumoto,
  You've got some nice imageries. I like "loose silk" and "lanky shadows". Only I am unsure what the poem is really trying to say. the title is Factory Dolls but I'm not sure if the poem is actually exploring further on this or a failed relationship with a woman? anyway, I believe there are a few themes in here, life and living, love, dreams...etc. It would be good if they can be explored further perhaps.
• Mirumoto

  11 Aug 06, 02:35

  Hello!
  
  Thanks for the comment ... you are quite right in saying that there are quite a few themes regarding what was written . Will try to edit and represent it a little bit further. Currently i feel that there is a rather abrupt end to things, so i most probably elaborate abit further?
  
  A direction to point me towards to perhaps? Thank you!
• Bluesky_Liz

  13 Aug 06, 07:37

  I have this impression that factory dolls is about template relationships. Things are only on the surface, but they don't reach all the way down and so, there is a feeling of dissatisfaction.
  
  There seems to be some conflict in the relationship, and even after what seems to be love-making (2nd strophe), there is still "undeveloped passion" (3rd strophe). And dreams are just starting to wear away.
  
  

  Evening. Lanky shadows. Loose silk.
  Don't try too hard with the talking
  Krall plays in the background. Hear. See
  Serial drams , animes . sub-zero cameras to buy

  I don't get this part.
  I'm guessing there is some on-going argument, perhaps in that two parties are talking constantly about what the problem is, but I'm not sure how to connect the "sub zero cameras" with the other objects listed.
  
• DeadPoet

  30 Aug 06, 22:45

  Factory dolls
  
  I donÂ’t like dolls. I find them too artificial and fake. Well whatÂ’s real in life anyway?
  
  wax lyrical darling.
  And remind me of your listless mornings
  where coffees and tabletop arguments reign
  Amazing mondays and their missing miracles
  
  I like “wax lyrical darling”, kind of reminded me of someone I used to know. “Amazing Mondays” doesn’t work for me but I find “missing miracles” quite interesting.
  
  Scent, perfume, memory.
  
  For some unknown reasons most girls smell nice. So envy.
  
  So here we linger in our newfound glory
  Juggling the fool and the hierophant with love
  Freeze in the swealtering jungle heat - and breathe
  
  Fool and Hierophant? Are you referring to tarot cards here?
  
  Of noon showers , and naps
  Funny how the sun tilts slightly
  And froths in fits , undeveloped passion.
  Your sewage of dreams
  
  Nice sound here although I don’t really like “sewage of dreams”.
  
  Evening. Lanky shadows. Loose silk.
  Don't try too hard with the talking
  Krall plays in the background. Hear. See
  Serial drams , animes . sub-zero cameras to buy
  
  Would you forgive me?
  
  I hope it is not a poem about honeymoon.