Originally posted by meriss:
[b]The Last
Every word I say,
I think.
For fear it may be the last.
Every move I make,
I think.
For fear it may be the last.
Every thought I surface,
I think.
For fear it may be the last.
Everything that's done,
I know.
One day it'll be the last.
My past, my present, my side
The times we sat side by side.
Sharing about all that came & went.
I took his picture,
which remained for so long, even now.
Blinded by who I was,
I split the oak tree in two.
From there our world was destroyed.
You don't know how deep it went.
I need time to reflect.
Time to think about what was said.
About how those lies are truths.
About how I've felt all this while.
You don't know what it was like before.
The impact of those words penetrated deeply.
He told me everything I wanted to hear.
Now I'm at a loss of how I should feel.
So just give me one good reason.
Tell me how it's supposed to be.
Cuz I don't wanna spent another moment,
Saying things that was never meant to be said.
We both know the truths of our hearts.
Here's mine. I'm not over him.[/b]
Hi meriss, welcome to DPS(S)!
feel free to browse around.
OK, let me try to comment on your works.
1)
The LastFirst off, this is too abstract for me, i like to see images in a poem. Even abstract subjects can have images, you can look through some of the poems in this forum for examples. Also, there are many cliches. Perhaps you can read on the
"Notes on Poetry" in the sticky thread by DeadPoet .
Hope i don't sound too harsh and frighten you off!
anyway, all of us are learning poetry here.
2)
My past, my present, my sideThis one is so much better. we can feel the emotions in the words. you are writing about a break-up (is it?). The first stanza grabs the reader's attention, which is good.
this is an honest, heartfelt effort.
thanks for sharing!
