Dust
-
Dust
You can see the sinister
crooked micro-fingers pointing
at your lack of housekeeping.
Bits of you falling apart
inside,
mingling with the wastes
of a world falling apart
outside, that enters through
an open window from
where you watch
homebound crowds bargain
for right of way with traffic lights
and yellow boxes.
Ignore the rapping on the door,
pretend
no one is in;
you will not want a visitor
to see the dust you breathe.
(No-holds barred feedback welcomed.
) -
hi Liz, you didn't clean your house for some time , is it?
ok , my comments:
You can see the sinister
crooked micro-fingers pointing
at your lack of housekeeping
i suggest dropping "crooked" , too many adjectives.
Bits of you falling apart
inside,
mingling with the wastes
of a world falling apart
outside, that enters through
an open window from
where you watch
homebound crowds bargain
for right of way with traffic lights
and yellow boxes.
suggest a linebreak after "outside", like this...
Bits of you falling apart
inside,
mingling with the wastes
of a world falling apart
outside,
that enters through.....
"falling apart" is repeated and i don't think it works, also sound a bit cliched.
Ignore the rapping on the door,
pretend
no one is in;
you will not want a visitor
to see the dust you breathe.
ending's not too strong in my opinion.
needs re-working? -
1st stanza is slightly abstract to understand. Sinister and crooked is ok, but "micro"? Didn't get what that meant.Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:Dust
You can see the sinister
crooked micro-fingers pointing
at your lack of housekeeping.
Bits of you falling apart
inside,
mingling with the wastes
of a world falling apart
outside, that enters through
an open window from
where you watch
homebound crowds bargain
for right of way with traffic lights
and yellow boxes.
Ignore the rapping on the door,
pretend
no one is in;
you will not want a visitor
to see the dust you breathe.
(No-holds barred feedback welcomed. )
But i like what follows after, the description of a tragic soul whose life is slowly deteriorating, and how this idea of falling apart is mirrored in her immediate surrounding and the outside world - pretty depressing picture here, but nice... Last stanza is strong, I do love the closing lines Liz. Enjoyed this very much and envious this very second that you can be inspired to write a darn good poem based on dust. Gah! -
dsnake: I had thought of having the linebreak at 'outside' like the way you suggested, but I thought it was too predictable. So I didn't. I'll probably redo that whole bit, because like you pointed out, it smells of cliche (because of 'falling apart').
expiring poet: I think I agree with you that the first might be too little and weak.
Thank you both for your feedback.
-
erm. this may be totally off the tangent, but could i venture that you are trying to clean out your skeletons in that closet? (at least , on a sub-conscious level)
do tell me if i am right? -
When I was writing this I was thinking of someone who is afraid going outside, or letting anyone in for that matter, at the same time, things within his self made prison is gathering dust since he just stands at the window, watching the world go by. I suppose he doesn't want anyone to come in for fear of letting them see his condition, his neglect. -
>.< thats one big closet.
-
Hey Liz,
Had a mental picture of this little old lady my mum met on her trip to Auz. when i read your work. She seemed rather unhappy but yet refusing to allow anyone near her. Bringing this point to another level, i do believe there are people who shut themselves mentally, rejecting new ideas and refusing progress. I do believe it all boils down to their own fear of not being good enough.
Enjoyed this piece alot and it provoked many afterthoughts. Thanks! -
Somehow there is this tiny voice in my brain telling me that Liz is writing this poem for me, reason being my house is in a terrible mess. (Of course we know this is not true)
