Ok, rip this apart please :)
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Untitled
Falling
and rising as waves under mute skies, we
open, expand and unfold,
thudding hearts suspended
in protracted
semi-flight as we clasp and unclasp
with the evening breeze
brushing
upon uncaring
dry leaves. -
Hello fazidah,
Nice use of opposites.
Personally, I like associations so my fav line is:
we / open, expand and unfold,
but the sensation of lofty transience of being "in protracted / semi-flight" aptly portrays your antithetical 'neither here nor there' attitude.
Maybe the ending fizzes out a bit (due to my high expectations of a grand ending for such a sensuous beginning (i.e. use of movement, visuals, absence of sound, more movements, tactile heartbeats, etc).
If I could say so, it feels almost like an extended haiku.
Cheers!
Md Said
Did I tell you I love your photos...? -
I like the way one can seem to visualise the movement of objects mentioned.
Don't have much to pick with this, except with these lines:
thudding hearts suspended
in protracted
semi-flight
Not sure about 'thudding' -- I tend to assosiate that with footsteps. Might not need that word at all. The other nit would be that 'suspended' should be in present tense to fit with the rest of the poem.
[/i] -
I was told by your moderator not to be too harsh. He knows I am very particular with what I read and I am easily agitated by bad poetry. (And yet he invited me here, Jesus!) But I think you are quite a creative person and IÂ’ve enjoyed reading your poems.
Here are my comments regarding this poem,
Untitled
I donÂ’t think you will have any problems coming up with a suitable title, donÂ’t be lazy.
Falling
A curious start – is this a trick to get your readers’ attentions?
and rising as waves under mute skies, we
Suggest breaking after ‘skies,’ I am fine with “rising as waves” but “mute skies” is boring.
open, expand and unfold,
thudding hearts suspended
in protracted
semi-flight as we clasp and unclasp
In my opinion the strongest section of the poem but I am not comfortable with the image. DonÂ’t worry about me I am a very fussy reader.
with the evening breeze
brushing
upon uncaring
dry leaves.
Not a strong ending – “evening breeze” is boring and “uncaring dry leaves” is too wordy, “uncaring leaves” is just as good. -
Hi Md Said,
Tks for the comments. I agree with ya on the ending losing the "fizz". I aimed to write a short tender piece about sex, so in a way i think the feeling of it is there, but it doesn't really gel with the first part, does it?
I love yr photos too lar. Yr kids and you are too adorable for words!!!!
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Liz, tks for your comments
Alex, thanks for that amusing intro on yourself. You remind me of Deadpoet with your shared fussiness about bad poetry..heheh... But shouldn't hold yourself back, I think brutal honesty is healthy. That's why i said "rip it", and not crititicize with care. When i said "rip" it is also with the total realization that i know its lacking in so many areas anyway, particularly in the telling and perspective of the event. But as a newbie, i think I've hit the ceiling of creativity. Gah!
This poem is untitled, becos, I wanted to see if readers can guess the message of what the poem is about if I dont tell them. Its my way of gauging if the message has been effectively conveyed, and if it hasn't, its a measure of its sucky-ness.
Tks for your comments. I enjoyed reading yr perspective!