JudgesÂ’ Choice Category Apr/May 06
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Eric Low's Choice
Short listed poem(s)
Poem #10 Twilight Poem #5 Rejection Poem #8 Why WonÂ’t They Come?
Final decision Poem #10 Twilight
His comments
I am mindful that I am only a very minor poet (if at all), but while it may be difficult to differentiate objectively between a good poem and an excellent one, it is relatively easy to detect a bad one.
The nicest thing I have to say about the lot submitted for this is that I am sure their authors were all very sincere about their craft. Some of these poems have the seeds of good ideas, while one or two have promising lines. However, even if you put all these together - sincerity, half a good idea, one or two promising lines - they do not always add up to a poem.
My choice was made based on simple elimination. I went through each poem and mentally crossed out the most cringe-worthy ones first. From the remaining poems, I crossed out those that either contained way too many cliches, or were super “sala” (in every way) or were filled with what I deemed to be severe language errors. After that, I was left with three poems: Rejection (no. 005), Why Won’t They Come? (no. 008.) and Twilight (no. 0010). Of these, I chose Twilight because of a few reasons: one, it had the most promise to rise above what it is now; two, because personally I am partial to local themes; lastly, it pointed to an external context.
I would like to point out though that the one with the most promising line goes to Why Won’t They Come? for “Next a grumpy duck stuck/ between frozen lake and uncertain sky.”.
Suggestions for improvement? Well...read. Then read some more. Not those self-improvement books for poetry or those “how to write better poetry” type, those are helpful only at the beginning stages (they at least point out to you what not to do) and even then reading too many (three is too many) will only dull your poetic voice. Read poems. Read contemporary poems by Mark Strand, Les Murray, Sharon Olds, Gluck, Billy Collins, Simic, Levine, Jack Gilbert, Simon Perchlik, etc, etc. For context, read Whitman, Coleridge, Wordsworth, then Hopkins, Thomas, blah blah blah. If you must read essays on poetry, read Harold Bloom. (ehh.. well, I only read Bloom, so am not good for those examples, might I suggest googling?) For local stuff, read Arthur Yap, Boey Kim Cheng and Cyril Wong.
If you donÂ’t want to buy, the net has chunks of good stuff. The journals are the safest bet though. The Cortland review, Drunken Boat, Black Warrior, Shampoo, Three Candles, Cider Press Review, Free Verse, Softblow, etc etc. though I suggest printing, because reading them off the screen can provide a major headache.
Alamak, just donÂ’t stop reading la.
Put this one aside for a while. Let your ambitions for this poem quiet down. When you go back to this after a while, don’t be afraid to cut it up and start from scratch. There are quite a number of stereotypes in this one, you can turn this on its head by exploring them. The views on tai-tais, trishaw rider and cabaret girls are very one dimensional, utterly stereotypical and seemingly a tad moralistic, so dwell on that. Why not another way? I have met a guilt-ridden tai-tai, a happy with-his-lot trishaw puller and a cabaret girl whose motto is “life is good.” Even if it has to be a pseudo-political/moralistic piece, the reader must be convinced, not coerced.
Also, if the arrangement was meant to mean something, it was pretty weak. Don’t let aesthetic arrangement govern your poem in this manner, and what’s up with the non-capitalised “i”? I really hope you were not trying to imitate cummings or Yap.
Concentrate on your poetic voice first. The rest will come later.
Ok, thatÂ’s my 2 cents worth. Good luck to all with your writing and apologies if a tad offensive.
Regards
Eric Low -
Gilbert Koh's Choice
Short listed poem(s) Poem #9 Obilvion Poem #10 Twilight
Final decision Poem #9 Obilvion
His comments
Poem 9 is my choice for 1st Place. Poem 10 would be my choice for runner-up.
Poem 9: Oblivion
The poem went very well with the photographic image. I also enjoyed the way the poem examined the idea of oblivion from different angles - the old man being oblivious to the world; the world being oblivious to the old man; and the internal oblivion of the old man to everything including himself. The poem flowed well and the line breaks and overall structure of the poem were also aesthetically pleasing.
Poem 10: Twilight
This was another interesting effort. I liked the attempt to flesh out the poem with realistic details. To me, the poem was unfortunately spoiled by the fact that it was written in the first person, and the first-person "voice" just didn't feel authentic. That is to say, it didn't sound like what a poor old man sitting on a trishaw would say - "tar-stained lungs"; "the bureaucrats have to bury me"; "the city will not defeat me" etc. If the poem had been written in the 3rd person, then perhaps the poem would have worked better. -
Alvin Pang's Choice
Short listed poem(s) Poem #10 Twilight
Poems mentioned Poem #4 Catching Up Poem #5 Rejection Poem #8 Why WonÂ’t They Come?
Final decision Poem #10 Twilight
His comments
Winner would have to be Poem #10 Twilight for me. It's technically quite well pulled off, and has a clear, consistent, understated tone and theme. I can imagine a good actor reciting or acting this out and making the audience weep.
But I'd like to give honourable mentions to Poem #4 Catching Up and Poem #5 Rejection (esp Poem #5 coz it short and simple) for creative treatment of the photograph. Strong last lines in both, although rest of the poem in each case needs tightening.
And I like the idea behind Poem #8 Why wonÂ’t they come? although the grammar and execution is a bit clumsy. Can be edited.
Best regards
Alvin -
The overall winner for Judges' Choice Category Apr/May 06 is danake1!
My congratulation to both dsnake1 & prayingbudda!
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Congrats you guys!!!!!
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I really hope to see you participating in the coming 6th DPS (S) Poetry Writing Competition in October.Originally posted by expiringpoet:Congrats you guys!!!!! -
CONGRATULATIONS!!
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used to have a classmate named alvin pang
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Thanks, guys!!
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congrats dsnake1!(:
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So what do you guys want as prizes?
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Congratulation to dsnake1 and prayingbudda! So will there be a party or something like that?
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i like dsnake1 to be served well done
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thanks, prayingbudda and Alex K!
what party? gotta ask DP!
and hello, hippo, you are very greedy. -
congrats prayingbuddha and dsnake!!!
okie okie i noe i very late.. i missed the competition, the voting AND the announcement...
keep me in the loop if there's a prize giving ceremony!
btw i like snake to be served tis way: skin to be prickled and chilled, served as appetizers; meat to be use in steamboat; the bone to be deep fried... thank you!
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tare, you are even more greedy than hippo.
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can eat dun waste mah!Originally posted by dsnake1:tare, you are even more greedy than hippo. -
Hmm... maybe for our 10th DPS (S) Poetry Writing Competition.Originally posted by tare:keep me in the loop if there's a prize giving ceremony! -
Too late but Congrats~~~
kekeke... nos 10 my choice le -
hey MoonIce, thank you!Originally posted by MoonIce:Too late but Congrats~~~
kekeke... nos 10 my choice le
rather slow moving around here nowadays huh? -
Yalor...Originally posted by dsnake1:hey MoonIce, thank you!
rather slow moving around here nowadays huh?
but no worry...
already bookmark @favourite forums -
What do you expect my dear friend? Told you it is easy to be a mod around here.Originally posted by dsnake1:hey MoonIce, thank you!
rather slow moving around here nowadays huh? -
too easy for u ar...Originally posted by DeadPoet:What do you expect my dear friend? Told you it is easy to be a mod around here.
hmm...
shall i make it more difficult for u ar -
have mercy on us!Originally posted by MoonIce:too easy for u ar...
hmm...
shall i make it more difficult for u ar -
Originally posted by dsnake1:have mercy on us!
Too late ar...
*posting story soon*