Goldfish
-
Speak not of me, I am heard poorly
like a goldfish, round-eyed, 'loft in brackened spit.
Mediocre fins, familiars to Neptune,
nap in certain seas; not bright, but gleaming,
the first waves of light, dancing in striations,
bathe sands merged in sub-meridian.
I have but one fin and one tube, I am compelled
to a swift delivery, a thief cavalier riding
the hour of a stellar tide's decline.
Here I trace sound paths along cracking glass,
the lub-dub of the ocean, this way or that,
the prodding beak of groupers keen so nearly
the cracking plod of an unexercised heart.
Speak not of me, if you were to say
that I am a goldfish, round-eyed and swollen,
unelemental, expiring in a somnolent flood.
------------------------------
Comments are always welcomed.
-
peebrain, an interesting way to describe snorkeling.
tell me if i got it wrong.
-
Not wrong at all, hon. Though it isn't just about snorkelling per se.
-
I think she's being a goldfish. thats all..Originally posted by dsnake1:peebrain, an interesting way to describe snorkeling.
tell me if i got it wrong. -
errrr. no.
-
Speak not of me, I am heard poorly
like a goldfish, round-eyed, 'loft in brackened spit.
Huh? “Speak not of me, I am heard poorly” sound too awkward for my liking. I know what is a spit, but what is a ‘brackened spit?’
Mediocre fins, familiars to Neptune,
nap in certain seas; not bright, but gleaming,
Why “Mediocre?” is it because they are not the real things? Assuming you are referring to yourself and not the fishes in the sea, if that is the case, why are they familiars to Neptune? And who/what is napping in certain seas? I am totally lost. Maybe it is just me.
the first waves of light, dancing in striations,
This is an interesting image. It works well for me and I really like it.
bathe sands merged in sub-meridian.
I have but one fin and one tube, I am compelled
to a swift delivery, a thief cavalier riding
the hour of a stellar tide's decline.
Interesting linebreaks. But I am not so sure about the metaphor of a cavalier. The main problems I have are even at this point I still canÂ’t picture exactly where you are and what you are doing.
Here I trace sound paths along cracking glass,
the lub-dub of the ocean, this way or that,
the prodding beak of groupers keen so nearly
the cracking plod of an unexercised heart.
I like the sounds of these few lines. I feel this is your strongest section of the whole poem. Nice sounds, smooth lines.
Speak not of me, if you were to say
that I am a goldfish, round-eyed and swollen,
unelemental, expiring in a somnolent flood.
Not too sure about the ending especially the last line. Why “unelemental?” I like the tone of “expiring in a somnolent flood” but again, why “expiring?”
I think it is a good piece of writing that could benefit from a bit of editing. Slightly vague for me but I can live with that. At least it is one of the better poems here. -
So peebrain, what is this poem about?
-
kind of a disturbing poem, although the rhythmic quality of the lines lulls the reader. Love the last line, pee.
The question in everyone's minds. Why is the subject comparing herself to a goldfish? Why is she described as unelemental? does she see herself as not of this world or apart from it or not belonging? -
Sorry for the hiatus -- been busy of late. And I wanted to let this poem prove for a little while before I comment on your comments. To gain a better-rounded perspective, so to speak.
The inspiration for "Goldfish" is my recent snorkelling/diving trip to Redang -- so dsnake1 hit the nail on the head.
But more critically, I wanted to show how out of element the persona is -- she's in an environment that's totally anathematic (goldfish = freshwater, sea = saltwater) and she feels like she's fighting a losing battle, not really belonging anywhere, and doomed to remain on the surface.
Hence the metaphors of salt, brine, and the imagery of the sea as something poisonous, and murky -- not to everyone, but just her, and people like her.
Submersed in such an environment, she choses the role of the silent observer, a "thief cavalier" who must try her hardest to harvest the mysteries of the sea before her time runs out ("stellar tide's decline").
As for the last line ("unelemental, expiring in a somnolent flood") -- it's a reference to how constant humanity is, and how the majority of those that go against the grain are forgotten and buried under the sands of time. -
Thanks for clarifying peebrain.
