Stuck

• Aeolius77

  18 May 06, 21:22

  Hi all,
  something from 2000, actually describes my writing life (or what little of it) most of the time. Your comments are very welcome
  --------------------------
  
  Another blocked sink;
  I stare morosely as I try to think
  in fluid waters, liquid thoughts.
  Yet the water refuses to move. Stuck.
  
  I pump the plunger
  furiously, to work up a pressure
  so that bottom vacuum pulls
  the water down. Still the path refuses to clear. Stuck.
  
  So tired. So out of breath.
  Yet I long for crystal images
  that once adorned my pages.
  I yearn for egg and wreath.
  
  As the clock ticks nonchalant to spite me,
  to tell me that which flows right through
  my hands,
  I wish its hands get stuck.
  
  As the sink continues its motionless rebellion,
  My mind, in stubborn parallel, gets blocked.
  
  I throw down my tools,
  Plunger and pen.
  In sudden hedonism
  
  I turn on the tap full blast and now the water flows not through, but over and out and above
  the sink to overflow and drown whatever f.ucking thing is in its path.
  
  So desperate. So tired.
  I want to drown and maybe hope to find the flowing watery words in my death.
  
  But even that, in the light of a stuck sink,
  is a futile hyperbole.
  
  
• expiringpoet

  19 May 06, 01:14

  
  I like some of the phrases, the "sink continues its motionless rebellion ... " and
  
  "I throw down my tools,
  Plunger and pen.
  In sudden hedonism"
  
  describes quite aptly the frustration in dealing with the blocks.
  
  But i do have a problem visualising the parallels btw sink and the mind tho.
• S-wordsman

  19 May 06, 17:58

  Hi Aeolius77,
  
  I'll comment on the first stanza if you don't mind:
  
  Another blocked sink;
  I stare morosely as I try to think
  in fluid waters, liquid thoughts.
  Yet the water refuses to move. Stuck.
  
  In my opinion, poetic license is great because it allows a lot of creativity on our part. However, as I write more and more I always visualise and listen to my poems and try to make sure that every line is visually and aurally logical and at it's minimum grammatical. Hence, I feel some discomfort reading the line:
  "I try to think / in fluid waters"
  
  whereas if you omit "in fluid waters" the line sounds more logical:
  
  "I try to think / in liquid thoughts"
  
  Or alternatively I would rewrite the lines in the following way:
  
  Another blocked sink;
  My thoughts dissolve into stagnant
  Water, fluidity interrupted, by
  Choked debris.
  The water doesn't
  Move, my thoughts get
  Stuck.
  
  My other suggestion, as shown above, is to move the word "Stuck." to the next line to create emphasis.
  
  Also, the effect of 'being stuck' may be aptly created using enjambment (i.e. the running over of a sentence from one verse or couplet into another so that closely related words fall in different lines ref:www.m-w.com) as I have done in the suggested rewriting above.
  
  What do you think?
  
  
• Aeolius77

  22 May 06, 01:09

  Hi expiringpoet,
  
  thanks for your comments Your view of the awkward imagery is shared by S-wordsman.
  
  Hi S-wordsman
  
  Thanks for your thoughtful comments and suggestions.
  I see your point about the logic of the metaphor and I agree. Sometimes (and I often do) one ODs on the synaesthesia, and the wild push of the senses towards indulgence (and unsuccessfully some more) is an ever present danger.
  
  'in fluid waters' is redundant, as you said.
  
  regarding using the enjambment for 'stuck', don't u think the idea of a 'run-on' line is just opposite of the idea of being stuck? Visually yes, the word is emphasized to good effect, but when it is read, the run-on may just subsume 'stuck' into the end of the phrase and become lost. Of course, perhaps a period after 'move', and then bringing 'stuck' into the next line might achieve both effects.
  
  ah I've always felt this poem to be somewhat awkward. Thanks for pointing out these things!