For my baby girl...
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The Flower Bud
The rushing tide removed so quickly
my footprints in the sand
I took another breath as I
laid conscientious eye
upon her tiny hand.
My baby gripped so soft yet tightly
the finger I laid in her palm
as it unfolded soft and pink
unfurled a flower bud in spring
and soothed my nervous calm.
So insecure, so frail, so new
I held her hands close to my face
I drew a breath of baby skin
like flower petals, soft and thin
the floral fragrance I did embrace.
Each digit is a living thing
A part of something bigger still:
No, not the palm, which unites function,
nor the wrists, where hand is junction
but purity of love and will.
And now as moments passed into each other
and consciousness floats on a cloud
her hands grew still within mine own
her curls caressed by breezes blown,
into a slumber Iffah curls into a floral shroud. -
This is lovely! A heart-felt and tender piece of writing.
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nice nice .....
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Overall I quite like this poem.
Although IÂ’ve spotted a couple of forced rhyme but I think they are acceptable. You have a few nice images and in my opinion you should to beef them up with more details.
Thanks for sharing.
PS. May I know what/who is Iffah? And if you don't mind, why is the poem in past tense? -
1) Iffah is my baby girl's name;Originally posted by DeadPoet:Overall I quite like this poem.
Although IÂ’ve spotted a couple of forced rhyme but I think they are acceptable. You have a few nice images and in my opinion you should to beef them up with more details.
Thanks for sharing.
PS. May I know what/who is Iffah? And if you don't mind, why is the poem in past tense?
2) What is a forced rhyme?
3) This ia a narrative poem which moves from a significant event which had just passed to the narrative ever-present? Maybe the tense is not very consistent. Need to edit that, i suppose. -
The Flower Bud
The rushing tide removed so quickly
my footprints in the sand
These two lines are redundant. Why? Because they are not connected to the rest of the poem or should I say they do not contribute to the overall structure of the poem.
I took another breath as I
laid conscientious eye
upon her tiny hand.
I am not too comfortable with the word “conscientious” here. Can you find a better word to replace it? Maybe it is just me.
My baby gripped so soft yet tightly
the finger I laid in her palm
as it unfolded soft and pink
unfurled a flower bud in spring
and soothed my nervous calm.
I like this strophe although I still think it needs some trimming. For example “gripped” are closely associates with “tightly” thus you may need to consider rewrite this line. However “unfurled a flower bud in spring / and soothed my nervous calm” is excellent. Love it.
So insecure, so frail, so new
I held her hands close to my face
You have “hand” in L5 and “hands” in L12 – so which one is it going to be? Another problem I have i.e. “So insecure, so frail, so new” are you referring to her hands or your face?
I drew a breath of baby skin
like flower petals, soft and thin
the floral fragrance I did embrace.
I like the sound and the image presented here. But “I did embrace” is a bit forced for my liking.
Each digit is a living thing
A part of something bigger still:
No, not the palm, which unites function,
nor the wrists, where hand is junction
but purity of love and will.
Now you are losing me. Abstractions, clichés, etc. This is quite weak.
And now as moments passed into each other
and consciousness floats on a cloud
her hands grew still within mine own
her curls caressed by breezes blown,
into a slumber Iffah curls into a floral shroud.
Again the abstractions and clichés are on the loose. But the main problem is “floral shroud.” I am not sure if it is the right phrase to use here.
You seem to have some knowledge in alliteration. You have some interesting images and you’ve managed to maintain the tone and mood throughout your poem. Whatever you like to hear from me or not, my advice for you is stay away from abstractions and clichés. Good luck in your writing.