Newbie humbled and needing pointers
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Hi Everyone!
Let me gush about how excited i was to find so many talents in this forum. i am indeed humbled by the depth by which each poem was expressed. I have an interest to write, but being not very well schooled, my pieces look rather juvenile against the "chiem" works of everyone here. I really hope all the "si fus" here would help me polish some of my work.
Idolize
I see you through rose-tinted glasses,
You're perfect, without any flaws,
My devotion to you is boundless,
Defy Physics and any human laws.
Your every word is convincing,
To me, it becomes the Truth.
I really don't mind sacrifying,
My faith in you, no one else can move.
Possessed? Bewitched? Brainwashed?
Or just a fool with fever?
I really don't care what others think of me,
As long as i'm still in your favour.
This was written after i attended a friend's wedding and witnessed how she changed. This also lend a voice perhaps, to the wife of the "religious" guy that had so many wives and raped his own daughters. -
Its not bad
I feel you can develop it further, feels abit chopped off prematurely. -
nice effort albeit very juvenile
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Originally posted by blue_blue_bedsheet:
I like this -- it has a raw honesty and sincerity that a lot of poems lack. And contrary to an earlier response, I don't find the piece juvenile -- unpolished, maybe, but certainly not childish.
Idolize
I see you through rose-tinted glasses,
You're perfect, without any flaws,
My devotion to you is boundless,
Defy Physics and any human laws.
Your every word is convincing,
To me, it becomes the Truth.
I really don't mind sacrifying,
My faith in you, no one else can move.
Possessed? Bewitched? Brainwashed?
Or just a fool with fever?
I really don't care what others think of me,
As long as i'm still in your favour.
This was written after i attended a friend's wedding and witnessed how she changed. This also lend a voice perhaps, to the wife of the "religious" guy that had so many wives and raped his own daughters.
The ending lines (I really don't care what others think of me/As long as I'm still in your favour) actually remind me of Wendy Cope in its simplicity and truth.
Kudos.
Just a few bugbears, however.
Title: Why "Idolize"? If the title is a verb, I'll expect the poem to be one that is full of movement and action, but yours is more of a meditation than anything else. So personally, for one-word titles, I'll go for nouns.
Language and grammar -- Why capitalize "Truth"? Are we meant to read it as an independent entity? If so, the suceeding verse doesn't support that view. And if it's just... truth in the most general sense, you don't need the capitals.
Grammar -- sacrifice (in place of "sacrifying" ), defies (in place of "defy" -- not only wil it be grammatically correct, it enhances the consonnance between "defies" and "physics".
Usage of "really" -- is it reallllllly necessary? Read it out loud, and omit the "really's". You'd be surprised how much more decisive the poem sounds.
These aside, I think it's pretty complete.... except....
What do you mean the poem also lends a "voice" to the wife of the religious guy? If you're trying to depict the irrationality of the Stockholm effect, or that of folie a deux, then your piece doesn't work.
This is my opinion: Next time, leave out the elaboration/embellishment. It's better to let your poem stand on its own merit. And let the critics deduce the subtext on their own.
In this case, the excessive elaboration (voice/religious/rape/brutality) systematically destroyed my appreciation for the poem. -shrug -
Welcome to DPS (S) blue_blue_bedsheet!
Feel free to post your poems here. Although we have a handful of very good poets in this forum but most of us are beginners in the art of poetry writing just like you.
I am very tempted to tear this one apart but maybe next time.
Read more contemporary poems my friend and keep writing. -
Hey, I like Wendy Cope too.Originally posted by peebrain:The ending lines (I really don't care what others think of me/As long as I'm still in your favour) actually remind me of Wendy Cope in its simplicity and truth. -
Thanks for the encouragement and great pointers, everyone! I was kicking myself after hitting the "submit" button that morning. I regretted as i felt my expression lacked substance and do not seem to conform to any poetry styles.
I have been writing since my teens, clustering words that aptly describe how i feel and arranging them the way that i thought, sounded right for me. i enjoy going through the threads and reading everyone's replys. Have to say i have alot of catching up to do.
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They only way to improve is to write... and learn from criticisms... you must also have something to write about and that takes experience in life... or deep deep thinking through on the issues you are interested in.... many times life experiences and deep thinking leave you depressed. That is why a big percentage of writers kill themselves.Originally posted by blue_blue_bedsheet:Thanks for the encouragement and great pointers, everyone! I was kicking myself after hitting the "submit" button that morning. I regretted as i felt my expression lacked substance and do not seem to conform to any poetry styles.
I have been writing since my teens, clustering words that aptly describe how i feel and arranging them the way that i thought, sounded right for me. i enjoy going through the threads and reading everyone's replys. Have to say i have alot of catching up to do. -
Repeating DP's point here but reading more poetry helps. Pick up an anthology that includes modern and contemporary writers to have an idea of the current poetry trends and to find what you enjoy. Then read some more, emulate the styles you like, write, experiment and just have fun.
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Here is another freshly written this afternoon
Let Go
Untangle, release,
let it go free.
Unshackle, uncover,
let it be what it will be
Tired of clutching
till knuckles turn white?
Not weary of resistance
you have to fight?
Letting go is hard.
Worse when it strays beyond your control.
But if you really love it,
give it space to grow. -
Hello blue_blue_bedsheet,
I highly recommend you these three books,
1) Western Wind, An Introduction to Poetry, Fourth Edition, by John Frederick Nims & David Mason
2) The PoetÂ’s Companion, A Guide to the Pleasures of Writing Poetry by Kim Addonizio & Dorianne Laux
3) Best Words, Best Order, Essays on Poetry, Second Edition, by Stephen Dobyns
You can get these books from the library. My suggestion is to start off with either Western Wind or The PoetÂ’s Companion. -
Originally posted by blue_blue_bedsheet:
Well.. obviously you didn't read my comments earlier before writing this, as the same problems are present.
Here is another freshly written this afternoon
Let Go
Untangle, release,
let it go free.
Unshackle, uncover,
let it be what it will be
Tired of clutching
till knuckles turn white?
Not weary of resistance
you have to fight?
Letting go is hard.
Worse when it strays beyond your control.
But if you really love it,
give it space to grow.[b][/b]
Another thing -- if your subject is "letting go", what's the point of "giving it space to grow"?
That's an incoherent contradiction.