The Marriage Bed
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Well...had this idea in my mind at 6-ish this morning and couldnt boot it out of my head, so eventually it became this. Would have liked to develop it further and made the idea more concrete but as usual i worry if i'll get lost in all the words..sigh...
The Marriage Bed
In my marriage
the BED
is the
political centre
Where administration
And
Intelligence
Takes place
Not to forget cultural
Exchanges
(and more)
.....................of course
the
exchanges
are always
friendly
but
A berlin wall
separates
His space
And mine
By his preference
And my
...................superficial
Assent
That half space
On the right
Of the bed -
his last strong-hold
A place which
Is his alone
I cannot intrude
A friendly arm
Or stray a
careless leg
To steal
some
warmth
Left on the sheets;
for fear
my actions be
labelled
a violent incursion -
Hello expiringpoet,
I truly enjoy this piece.
I am sure those who are married have been through this stage, including me. (Although those not married may also shared similar experience)
Now back to the poem.
IÂ’ve read all your poems in your blog including this and I have a few questions in mind. Firstly are there any reasons for the way you break your lines? If you read the poem aloud what happen is that the flow gets too disruptive. It staggers like a drunken man. I am fine with short lines but in my opinion you need to have valid reasons for having too many one word lines in your poem.
Secondly, any reasons for the way your capitalized your words? Some poets prefer to capitalize at the beginning of every line and some at the beginning of a sentence. It is entirely up to you but you need to be consistent.
Lastly, regarding punctuation and again you need to be consistent.
As for the content of the poem, I like your choice of words.
At first impression , phrases like “political centre”, “administration”, “Intelligence”, “cultural Exchanges”, “labelled” etc. clearly reflect the bureaucratic nature of the marriage where lines are clearly drawn and power struggles is the norm of the day. Moreover words like “intrude”, “fear”, “steal”, “violent incursion” further paint a marriage in trouble.
However, maybe because of the way this poem is structured, if you read this poem aloud, it is not as dark as it seems to be. The tone is light and even a bit cheeky. (cheeky may not be a good word but I canÂ’t help using it)
If you intended this to be a serious poem, in my opinion you have failed because the tone is inconsistent with the word choice. But if you intended this to be a light-hearted piece in disguise, I say well done!
Keep up the good work! -
my aim was to show the side of marriage that is not all sweet romance and sex, but also there exists the practical and hard side to it - the other facets.Originally posted by DeadPoet:Hello expiringpoet,
I truly enjoy this piece. [/quote]
deadpoet, i rarely get such a positive comment about my writing- most people just dont understand what i'm going on about or bother to delve into the motivations behind the writings, so you've made my day, really, thank you!
You are right...i do have problems with form and structure, i am aware of this (and trying very hard to correct it...arghhh!!) ...however, i appreciate yr comment on how it disrupts from the message. Perhaps when i learn better how to work with the rhythm...
IÂ’ve read all your poems in your blog including this and I have a few questions in mind. Firstly are there any reasons for the way you break your lines? If you read the poem aloud what happen is that the flow gets too disruptive. It staggers like a drunken man. I am fine with short lines but in my opinion you need to have valid reasons for having too many one word lines in your poem.
Secondly, any reasons for the way your capitalized your words? Some poets prefer to capitalize at the beginning of every line and some at the beginning of a sentence. It is entirely up to you but you need to be consistent.
Lastly, regarding punctuation and again you need to be consistent.
What happens is that i structure the words according to how it flows in my thoughts as i'm writing it.
[quote]
As for the content of the poem, I like your choice of words.
At first impression , phrases like “political centre”, “administration”, “Intelligence”, “cultural Exchanges”, “labelled” etc. clearly reflect the bureaucratic nature of the marriage where lines are clearly drawn and power struggles is the norm of the day. Moreover words like “intrude”, “fear”, “steal”, “violent incursion” further paint a marriage in trouble.
However, maybe because of the way this poem is structured, if you read this poem aloud, it is not as dark as it seems to be. The tone is light and even a bit cheeky. (cheeky may not be a good word but I canÂ’t help using it)
If you intended this to be a serious poem, in my opinion you have failed because the tone is inconsistent with the word choice. But if you intended this to be a light-hearted piece in disguise, I say well done!
To explain that no matter how much you know and live with someone, there is a side to the person that you may not penetrate(sorry for the pun) or reach. The side that he or she may not want to share. Thus the hard words like "intrude" or "steal".
That two people living and sleeping together have 2 very different idealogies and principles.
Having said that, yes, its meant to be light-humoured in a dark way- if this makes sense at all...hmm... -
You are most welcome expiringpoet.
What happens is that i structure the words according to how it flows in my thoughts as i'm writing it.
Not forgetting the way it sounds. Try reading it aloud to get a sense of its tone and rhythm. For a start, read up on linebreaks and caesura.
Having said that, yes, its meant to be light-humoured in a dark way- if this makes sense at all...hmm...
Yup it does make sense.
I think you can keep the poem as it is or maybe try to beef it up a bit. But I suggest you put it aside for the time being and come back to it later.
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NICE
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tks devil
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I like this poem too.
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tks dude...glad u like it
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nice poem .......
hope the berlin wall collapses every now and then