Originally posted by preya:
bleeding into a bowl where they
collect this sort of stuff
and as the edge of pain dulls into
biting
the claws of sinners add salt to the
invisible wound
people, people, people
push and shove towards the stars
so they can throw them down to the
savage garden
where lips caress daggers
and even the sweetest
especially the sweetest
mask the taste of
acid poison
lost and battered in a world of
deaf taxi drivers
and cold, glossy eyed
soft toys
a world of inky pens that
bleed ice blue, and
fade
away
when the rain falls down
and everything is a maze and mirror of
grays
it's colour, they swear, but
you know what you
feel
people, people, people
glancing into pools of water
with distorted perfections
that their reaching fingers ripple and
kill
grasping in vain
but it's not my fault
run, run, as fast as you can
but the road is an elaborate circular trick
with well placed tripwires
of words
and of razor blade glances
till you fall and
bleed
into a bowl where they collect this sort of stuff
and then they'll leave you like a
grownup's rag dollie
somewhere in the mist of
lost time
grandmama, grandmama
what big teeth you have...
~ - ~
please critique
Interesting images -- It's clear that you've put in a lot of effort in developing ideas that actually
make sense (it's a growing trend for people to anyhow-anyhow throw in images just because they are "cool" and "profound". I laugh when I read them).
So kudos there.
However, let's go alllll the way if you want to be taken seriously. You've achieved it with a promising subject matter -- but in terms of structure, language and tone there's still a lot to work on.
For instance,
till you fall and
bleed
into a bowl where they collect this sort of stuff
and then they'll leave you like a
grownup's rag dollie
somewhere in the mist of
lost time
What exactly are you referring to when you wrote,
"they collect this sort of stuff"?
Be precise.
Unlike prose, where you can get away with poorly articulated ideas,
every single word in a poem has to have a point -- because there is already a very scant word allowance for a typical poem, so every word that the reader reads goes a long way in consolidating the image, in painting a purpose so vividly it stays with the reader for a longer while yet.
So don't kill your work with careless phrases like that. It's just shoddy writing.
Same goes with linebreaks. The rhythm of this poem highly unnatural, because it is interrupted by improbable breaks. For example, in the same stanza above, you wrote: "till you fall and/ bleed/ into a bowl..."
The caesura that was inserted after "fall and" would work much better if you structure it something the lines of
"'till you fall
and bleed into a bowl"
as then, you would have created a sense of gripping anticipation that mirrors the action of falling. Besides, the "all" sound of the word "fall" already suggests a sudden dip in tone and suggestion. Use that to your advantage.
Stringing the words "bleed into a bowl" together in the same verse will also enhance the alliteration, and help the poem to read better.
Here's a tip:
read your poem aloud. A poem, in its basest sense, is meant to read aloud to an audience. So even if you're experimenting with cadences and sounds, always try to maintain a natural flow of oral language throughout.
Gosh I'm kinda longwinded. Minor stuff, but equally important: there are a number of copyediting issues in your poem as well. Try to proofread your poem in the future, before you post.
Sorry if my tone appears harsh. Can't help it, I write for a living so copyediting errors get my goat.
Majorly.[/b]
