Growing sideways

• Bluesky_Liz

  10 Feb 06, 18:38

  What is this extra bit that I can pinch
  and what is this hump under the chin?
  I used to be thin, and relatives used to ask me
  to eat more, and so I did, eat and drink,
  as clock hands slowly but surely turn. Suddenly,
  one is borderline overweight: the machinery
  has finally reached its half-life. Maybe
  itÂ’s not as efficient as it was in burning
  the fuel fed to it; the scum accumulates
  a layer around the waist or by gravity,
  pools in the butt and thighs.
  
  “You’ve certainly put on.” said those same relatives
  who used to comment and poke on my bony ribs.
  
  I replied that I am now growing sideways
  and helped myself to more curry as I refused
  another helping of rice. Similarly-shaped
  relatives nodded and only smiled.
  
• peebrain

  10 Feb 06, 21:09

  Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:

  What is this extra bit that I can pinch
  and what is this hump under the chin?
  I used to be thin, and relatives used to ask me
  to eat more, and so I did, eat and drink,
  as clock hands slowly but surely turn. Suddenly,
  one is borderline overweight: the machinery
  has finally reached its half-life. Maybe
  itÂ’s not as efficient as it was in burning
  the fuel fed to it; the scum accumulates
  a layer around the waist or by gravity,
  pools in the butt and thighs.
  
  “You’ve certainly put on.” said those same relatives
  who used to comment and poke on my bony ribs.
  
  I replied that I am now growing sideways
  and helped myself to more curry as I refused
  another helping of rice. Similarly-shaped
  relatives nodded and only smiled.
  

  A lovely (and so human!) piece, but the scansion can be improved in terms of rhythm and action.
  
  For instance, the rhythm would have more of a driving force if the first line reads, "What is this extra bit I pinch/ What is this hump under the chin".
• Bluesky_Liz

  11 Feb 06, 08:12

  Thanks for the feedback.
  
  I can definetly improve on the rhythm. (I've just started learning how to scan.) The poem can do with a whole lot more tightening and trimming (just like the author).
  
• dsnake1

  13 Feb 06, 22:37

  a case of "horizontally challenged"?
  
  amusing little poem, nice.
• InnoHippo

  14 Feb 06, 16:10

  Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:

  Similarly-shaped relatives nodded and only smiled.
  

  if u cant make urself thin, u got to make others fat
• Bluesky_Liz

  14 Feb 06, 20:34

  Originally posted by dsnake1:

  a case of "horizontally challenged"?
  
  amusing little poem, nice.

  Opposite of that, horizontally challanged would mean that one is thin. Horizontally-privileged more like.
• Bluesky_Liz

  14 Feb 06, 20:36

  Originally posted by InnoHippo:

  if u cant make urself thin, u got to make others fat

  Idea, idea.
• dsnake1

  14 Feb 06, 22:34

  Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:

  Opposite of that, horizontally challanged would mean that one is thin. Horizontally-privileged more like.

  is it? hmm, i have my doublespeak mixed up and this is bad...
• tare

  15 Feb 06, 17:19

  garfield has a famous saying... "I'm not overweight, I'm just underheight!!"
• DeadPoet

  21 Mar 06, 00:27

  Originally posted by Bluesky_Liz:

  Thanks for the feedback.
  
  I can definetly improve on the rhythm. (I've just started learning how to scan.) The poem can do with a whole lot more tightening and trimming (just like the author).
  

  x2.
  
• SingaporeMacross

  21 Mar 06, 01:33

  what a 'prosperous' piece of poetry!!