The Succubus
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Black was the color of her long straight hair
Red was the glow of her eyes
Lust was what controlled her instincts
As the Succubus prowled the dark streets in the night
She wished for neither gold nor fame
But for the man who slept in the small house
Quietly she moved
Yet heavily she breathed
In the dim light of the full moon
Her slim and slender shape was revealed
In the semi-darkness she crawled up the walls
As the man in the room stirred
She reached the side of his bed
And the man moved a little
His eyes still closed
His mouth open
Undressing the sleeping man
The succubus breathed in his scent
Ah how handsome he was
She thought
Lust overcoming caution she reached down
And as she straddled the man he seemed to groan
Her hand caressed his muscled body
But the man only snored
As the dawn broke the man stirred once more
And she leaned forward to kiss him
The succubus turned to leave
And gave the sleeping man one final glance -
Hi Ashiene,
I think it's a good effort here, the first stanza is attention-grabbing, but it can be improved upon..
First, it reads more like prose , in my opinion.
A succubus is a female demon, so your poem can be a bit darker and edgy.
Hope you don't mind my comments, but i think it's an interesting subject.
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Welcome to DPS (S). I know it is a bit late to welcome you but recently IÂ’ve encountered something more frightening than a succubus.
Back to your poem.
I have to agree with dsnake1.
It read more like a prose then a poem. There are no tensions within the lines, uninteresting linebreaks, unnecessary details, etc. What are trying to do with the poem? Are you merely telling a story? Maybe you can try approaching it from another angle. For example you can write it from the manÂ’s perspective. Surprise your readers. Surprise yourself.
Keep writing and if you are free read some poems by Gilbert Koh and Alvin Pang. Be impressed.