Portulaca Rose
-
You gave me a flower today
plucked from the plant whose name
i can never remember
growing in the terra cotta pot
hanging by the kitchen window
You stood next to me
flower in your hands
silly smile on your face
as you wait for me to notice you
- tousled hair haloed by the
light from the flourescent lamp
that was getting rusty
and we couldn't be bothered anyway
A split second passed by
when I wanted to tell you how much
I love your artless ways
You thrust the flower towards me
with your soapy fingers
and I took it gently,
fragile little thing it was,
warm rosy blush on a dying stalk
and kissed it,
and knew, despite my thoughtless ways
you know how much I love you
anyway -
Hi ShrodingersCat,
Such a lovely, touching poem.
thanks for sharing with us.
-
Thanks for posting this poem ShrodingersCat. It was a delightful piece to read.
Here are some of my comments, but you donÂ’t have to take it seriously.
You gave me a flower today
plucked from the plant whose name
i can never remember
growing in the terra cotta pot
hanging by the kitchen window
Good opening, but imo the last two lines are unnecessary.
You stood next to me
flower in your hands
silly smile on your face
as you wait for me to notice you
- tousled hair haloed by the
light from the flourescent lamp
that was getting rusty
and we couldn't be bothered anyway
Why “next to me?” Will it be better if it is “in front of me?” Do you think it would be better if you break this strophe into two? Just a suggestion. By the way, I really like L5 & L6, good image.
A split second passed by
when I wanted to tell you how much
I love your artless ways
Imo, these three lines are unnecessary. Dropping them will heighten the impact of the poemÂ’s last three lines.
You thrust the flower towards me
with your soapy fingers
and I took it gently,
fragile little thing it was,
warm rosy blush on a dying stalk
and kissed it,
This might sound like a silly question but why “soapy fingers?”
and knew, despite my thoughtless ways
you know how much I love you
anyway
Nice ending.
Thanks for the read ShrodingersCat. -
hee Thanks for the comments....
Actually.. err.. I dont really work over my poems.. just write them off the top of my head.. so it helps that someone reads through it and tell me how I could improve it in retrospect..
anyway this one was just describing something that happened ba and the feelings I had when it happened...
Hubby gave me a flower. (from the terra cotta pot) hee..
he was standing next to me cos.. hee I was on the internet facing the computer
and his fingers were soapy cos..
he was doing the dishes
sigh.. sometimes I feel sad... that this is a part of myself I can't share with the husband ... he complains that I am not affectionate.. that I don't seem to feel as deeply... but it is not the case.. its just.. .. i find it harder to express some emotions... harder in conversation or even actions.. .. especially if the moment have passed... and .. in a way its like a handicap.... not sure if you all feel this way... -
You husband is really romantic. Lucky you.Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:hee Thanks for the comments....
Actually.. err.. I dont really work over my poems.. just write them off the top of my head.. so it helps that someone reads through it and tell me how I could improve it in retrospect..
anyway this one was just describing something that happened ba and the feelings I had when it happened...
Hubby gave me a flower. (from the terra cotta pot) hee..
he was standing next to me cos.. hee I was on the internet facing the computer
and his fingers were soapy cos.. he was doing the dishes
sigh.. sometimes I feel sad... that this is a part of myself I can't share with the husband ... he complains that I am not affectionate.. that I don't seem to feel as deeply... but it is not the case.. its just.. .. i find it harder to express some emotions... harder in conversation or even actions.. .. especially if the moment have passed... and .. in a way its like a handicap.... not sure if you all feel this way...
Why not let him read this poem? I am sure he will be touched.