Alone
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here's another one guys...just been in the mood recently...guess that's good news for all...this one needs alot more tweaking....re-write it as you see fit...cheers
Alone
Happiness is fleeting
Sadness lingers
Love is the root emotion
Of all that matters
Love is the root
From which happiness and sadness grow
Which do we get?
We do not yet know
They say luck plays a part
Oh, and fate too
For those who believe, thereÂ’s Cupid
And for those who donÂ’t, what can we do?
Wallow in self-pity
Or feel perpetually lonely
This void thatÂ’s always left to be filled
Remains there, cold, dark and empty
'Till someone comes along and changes everything
Bringing sunshine, smiles and love in abundance
Then the world is spun around in a whirlwind
Love and romance fills the air like some special fragrance
But until that special someone happens
Alone I shall remain and defiant
Against loneliness and sadness
And always giving love a chance to work its wonders -
it's good to keep writing ya? esp when the mood strikes
some suggestions i have..
"Love is the root
From which happiness and sadness grow -->From which joy and sorrow grow
Which do we get?
We do not yet know --> We are yet to know (grammar?)
They say luck plays a part
Oh, and fate too --> i kinda like these 2 lines
For those who believe, thereÂ’s Cupid
And for those who donÂ’t, what can we do?
Wallow in self-pity
Or feel perpetually lonely
This void thatÂ’s always left to be filled --> This void that's longing to be filled
Remains there, cold, dark and empty -->this is very clichey but i can't think of anything better.. yet
find last 2 stanzas dun seems to flow well with the rest... perhaps some refining? -
sorry but i think i'm not feeling what you hope the reader would feel with this poem...
first of all, a lot of the images used here are cliches... basically images that we see all over the place, used all the time and sometimes to death by other writers, and even in daily use of the language. I think what would help your piece would be if you could conjure your own images, describe something unique that shows your personality, yet conveys the same kind of feeling you want to express. Not saying that you cannot use cliches... but i think it applies for all kinds of writing whether poetic or not -- use cliches sparingly and effectively.
Second, you were trying to make the even lines in each stanza rhyme. The result is that some sentence structure and grammar were thrown out the window because you were trying to force it to rhyme. It makes the reading awkward. I'd rather you didn't force a rhyme... let the words come naturally. would have been better.
Keep practising yah?? -
thanks for the comments...i've kept them in mind and re-written some of ths poem. it's even got a new name now. last stanza still sounds a little off and in need of tweaking. probably you could help?
Magic of love
Happiness is fleeting
Sadness lingers
Love is the root emotion
Of all that matters
Love is the root
From which joy and sorrow grow
Which do we get?
We do not yet know
They say luck plays a part
Oh, and fate too
For those who believe, thereÂ’s Cupid
But for those who donÂ’t, what can we do?
Wallow in self-pity
Or feel perpetually lonely?
Or just go on day by day
With a heart that longs for somebody
I guess that somebody will come
It is only a matter of time
But how long must I wait?
Before meeting this significant other of mine?
For when she arrives, things take a whole new spin
Views change, and life adopts a whole new meaning
Joy fills the air
Scented by the magic of love
It seems like divine intervention
A new chapter in the story of love
A small spark was all it took
And, yeah, probably some help from above
But for now I can only wait and dream and wonder
Who this person might be and when will I meet her?
When our paths might cross?
When will we fall for each other?
And when that day comes
What a brilliant time that would be
For we would now know and feel and revel
In the magic of love and all itÂ’s wonders -
Do you, somehow, ever consider rearranging your poems in either Shakespearan or Petrarchan sonnets? Or adopting a proper foot or prosody?
Maybe that would serve to be more of a challenge. -
i doubt i will....i write mainly for enjoyment...not for the challenge...besides, i'm not artisically inclined...Originally posted by philia:Do you, somehow, ever consider rearranging your poems in either Shakespearan or Petrarchan sonnets? Or adopting a proper foot or prosody?
Maybe that would serve to be more of a challenge.