why do we hope
-
little girls to love
their forever-filled wishes
only come crashing down
splinters piercing illusion-misted hearts
sunflowers to daylight
in their yearning for warmth
follow a weary path in the sky
day to night, night to day
hope, a poison
tiring their pained innocence
moths to a flame
searching for the bright and beautiful moon
only to perish
burning
within their dreams...
why do we hope
when it only makes reality
all the more painful...?
~ - ~
please comment -
Will get back to you in the next few days. Not enough sleep.
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My comments,
little girls to love
their forever-filled wishes
only come crashing down
splinters piercing illusion-misted hearts
You need to be more specific. What is “forever-filled wishes?” Shouldn’t it be “only to come crashing down?” Again, “crashing down” where? For the third time, I am lost. What is “illusion-misted hearts?” However, I like the sound of “splinters piercing.”
sunflowers to daylight
in their yearning for warmth
follow a weary path in the sky
day to night, night to day
hope, a poison
tiring their pained innocence
This is better than the previous strophe, at least I can visualize sunflowers, I am still terribly lost.
moths to a flame
searching for the bright and beautiful moon
only to perish
burning
within their dreams...
Although this is a beautiful image, but “moths to a flame” had been used over and over again. I think you can do better than that. Try coming up with something more original.
why do we hope
when it only makes reality
all the more painful...?
I have no answer to this question.
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hi preya.Originally posted by preya:little girls to love
their forever-filled wishes
only come crashing down
splinters piercing illusion-misted hearts
sunflowers to daylight
in their yearning for warmth
follow a weary path in the sky
day to night, night to day
hope, a poison
tiring their pained innocence
moths to a flame
searching for the bright and beautiful moon
only to perish
burning
within their dreams...
why do we hope
when it only makes reality
all the more painful...?
~ - ~
please comment
not a bad effort. but rather abstract. I prefer poems with more solid images.
the tone of this poem is a little bleak, but i have no objections about bleak poems.
you made use of metaphors, i like the one about the moths.(DP does not!)
i think it can be improved with some rewriting. let me try stanza one :
little girls ensconced
in a shell of faith
grew up
to find
dreams splintering
shards piercing
betrayed hearts..
just my little suggestion, u may not have to agree with me.
good writing comes with experience. (seen my blog on "why write poetry"?). You seem to have a good grasp of words.
just keep writing.
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I like the moths image what. Just that it was mentioned so often, in poems, stories, advertisements, etc, that sooner or later readers will get sick of it.Originally posted by dsnake1:you made use of metaphors, i like the one about the moths.(DP does not!) -
sorry lah DP, got the impression that u don't like itOriginally posted by DeadPoet:I like the moths image what. Just that it was mentioned so often, in poems, stories, advertisements, etc, that sooner or later readers will get sick of it. -
dun like "moths to flame", how abt "aedes to drain"??Originally posted by DeadPoet:I like the moths image what. Just that it was mentioned so often, in poems, stories, advertisements, etc, that sooner or later readers will get sick of it.
oops not as a mockery hor, i just trying to be more "original"....
i read the poem, stil not quite sure wat's the writer trying to say... perhaps abit too much abstracts and metaphors?