JudgesÂ’ Choice Category
-
Alvin PangÂ’s Choice
Home Visit
His comments:
A classic example of "show, don't tell" at work, the poem offers up images of disarray and mental dissolution; both explicit ("rotten bananas", "bold cockroaches".) and subtle "a gift you returned unwrapped". Not once does the poem attempt to spell out the woman's identity or state of mind -- instead, it lets observed facts do the talking, to great effect.
Particularly striking are the persona's stark, bald statements ("The soup tastes terrible"; "you force a smile"; "rice, sugar, salt, and lies".), juxtaposed against the surface tenderness of an elderly crone attempting to offer the usual domestic comforts -- home cooking.
The reader may at first be intrigued or appalled by the subject's behaviour towards the old woman -- apparently his mother or other close relative. But the poem clinches this on a note of devastating irony: the determined, if hapless apparent relative, is in fact a social worker who "once a month" "volunteers / to be her forgotten son", who has no blood ties or obligations to suffer the woman's senility. His humouring of the old woman - far from being an affectation - is in fact a way to answer her deeper emotional needs.
Why this works, is that it enhances our sense of loss -- no only has she lost her sound mind and ability to look after herself in her old age, but her only sense of connection and family is through the role-playing of a social volunteer, and only "once a month" at that.
Her loss violates our sense of "home" and identity; this is multiplied by the gap between what she imagines is happening, and what the poem's subject tells us is actually the case. Indeed, the early reference to the kitchen as a "stage" reinforces the sense of the poem and its situation as an act of theatre.
Yet this is not theatre as deception, but theatre as a denial of loss; and therefore an imperfect yet humane act of charity.
This is a fine poem - quietly moving, well observed, grounded in a plausible emotional reality, and employing only simple, almost conversational language rather than self-consciously "poetic" technique.
One way to approach editing this poem would be to part it down even further, avoid the temptation to indulge in lurid visuals (eg flies and cockroaches are obvious enough, why do they have to be "frenzied" and "bold" as well?) The need to give the cockroaches a voice ("At least they know they are not alone".)is perhaps going a little further than necessary as well. -
Gilbert KohÂ’s Choice Not His National Day
His comments:
I liked Poem 1 and Poem 7 best. Neither poem feels completely "finished" to me - I think that they both can be further improved. But the main ideas driving these two poems definitely have poetic potential.
My Comments on Poem 1
I liked the arrangement of lines; the realistic feel of the poem; and the clever juxtaposition of the two contrasting scenes, which illustrates very well the sad situation of the down-&-out Singaporeans on the fringes of our supposedly affluent society.
"Shattered dreams" was somewhat cliched though. The last stanza has a problem with tenses - I think the poet should be sticking with the past tense. "Rippled in applause" was a nice phrase - I liked that bit. I also liked the arrangement of lines in the 2nd stanza.
My Comments on Poem 7
The gem in this poem lies in the way the poet carefully fleshes out the relationship between the protagonist and his elderly mother. It is a very interesting poem, not merely for what it says, but also what it skillfully leaves unsaid. The poet also has an eye for detail. For example, his description of the fruit flies around the rotten bananas; the cockroach; the gift of instant noodles etc help to make the poem come alive. Unfortunately, the poem has not been sufficiently revised, edited and refined. It could be trimmed for greater effect!
And I vote for Poem 1! -
Amy J. GrierÂ’s Choice Home Visit
Her comments:
1. The author makes effective use of concrete imagery. My opinion is that concrete imagery--in this case the soup, the cockroaches, the bananas, the noodles, etc.--is the most effective way of communicating emotion. To say "She was lonely" is not as effective as contrasting the woman's life to the group of cockroaches, emboldened by their numbers.
2. The use of multiples senses. The soup tastes salty, the bananas smell rotten, the fruit flies look as if they are dancing.
3. The author avoids sentimentality. Sometimes, it is easy to get caught up in describing feelings. This author knows you don't need to describe feelings. The poem is better because the description of the visit speaks for itself. The author trusts the reader to figure out what is happening, and allows the poem some mystery by wisely not explaining too much.
4. The ending is risky, but works. The author has three stanzas of six lines each, and easily could have made the fourth stanza six lines as well. He or she chose instead to separate the last four lines into a short, attention-grabbing statement. This works because, although new information is included in these last lines, they still protect the mystery of the poem. Why does the man lie? Why is the son forgotten? What exactly is the nature of his relationship with this woman? The poem answers the questions to a certain extent; but by keeping some secrets, it encourages us to read it over and over.
Suggestions for improvement:
There is not a lot I would change. The author may want to revisit a few things:
1. The first stanza: "Not / the first time she adds too much salt / in her life." I'm not sure about how the phrase "in her life" is supposed to work. Does it mean that it's not the first time in her life she has added to much salt, or not he first time she has added too much salt to her life? Perhaps the author wants this phrase to be cryptic. It's just a question, not really a criticism.
2. The word "frenzy" in the second stanza should be "frenzied," since it is used as an adjective to describe the flies ("frenzy" is a noun.)
3. "on naked wall" in the second stanza should be "on the naked wall." (perhaps a typo?)
That's it! Keep writing! -
DP CONGRATS!!!!!
-
cheem. but DP.. well done.
-
laurence82's Choice
coming up... -
Thanks! Also must congrat dsnake1 too!Originally posted by tare:DP CONGRATS!!!!! -
x1. Thanks. Their comments were indeed very cheem. I don' t think I will ever reach their standard.Originally posted by O'ren:cheem. but DP.. well done.
-
Originally posted by laurence82:
and ...
[b]laurence82's Choice
coming up...
[/b] -
CONGRATULATIONS
-
he's waiting for a poem abt banana lah...Originally posted by DeadPoet:and ...