New here
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Just a little piece. Honest comments please.
Observer
Shifting from one picture from another
Of friends playing on the beach
Or sun tanning at a trendy place-which I do not know
Through the lens of the camera - I take these photos
The relationships of people blossoming through fun activities
While I hide my world behind the camera
Observing the changes of life -
Welcome to DPS (S) delonicdevil!
I have a question for you, if you do away with the linebreaks, do you still think it is a poem? To be honest, this piece is slightly too prosy for me.
However, you have a very interesting idea here. I will advice you to rewrite it. -
Any other comments? This is quite a good piece you know.
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I thought the idea that inspired this was interesting... only thing is I agree with DP... it does sound a little like prose.
and look out for the grammar... "From....to...." rather than "from... from..."
and i thought if there were more descriptives to illustrate what the author sees would make it stick to the mind more....
DP - now i sound harsh... sheesh... sort of became more conscious of stuff like that after reading blurbs....
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Delonic Devil, I agree with DP that the piece doesn't read like poetry, as I can't find the rhythm or pattern. I think you can also elaborate on what "fun activities" those people are engaged in to enhance the images and feelings for this piece.
Just a couple of ideas here.
Shifting from one picture from another
Of friends playing on the beach
What are they playing? Is it a crowd playing or just a small group of friends. How do you know they are having fun? Are they laughing carefree or are they having a competition? What are they doing that makes you think they are enhancing their relationship with each other?
Or sun tanning at a trendy place-which I do not know
A trendy place which you do not know or of those people that you do not know? It is not very clear.
I think you got a good idea here, just needs a few more details.
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i like the idea .. reminded me of the times i go ard with a cam [more than a decade ago]! hahahaa....
perhaps add in another couple of stanza to bring out more details / visuals? and yah it sounded too much like a prose rather than a poem... read more abt wat make a poem, wat makes a good poem etc.... esp. sites like PFFA
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I don't think you are harsh at all.Originally posted by KittynMeow:DP - now i sound harsh... sheesh... sort of became more conscious of stuff like that after reading blurbs....
So how's your reading? Do take your time, there's no rush.
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It's a lot to read and I AM taking my time through it...Originally posted by DeadPoet:I don't think you are harsh at all.
So how's your reading? Do take your time, there's no rush.
only thing is that I wanted to put some of the stuff into practice as I read along... that way I can internalise and learn better.... like now I'm trying to translate that cantonese song into an English poem and trying to put into practice some of the stuff i read....
boy it's tough cos i realised the songwriter used so MANY abstracts in the lyrics.... sigh.... -
Another poetgrapher!
Welcome to DPS! -
A new word.Originally posted by LazerLordz:Poetgrapher! -
thanks guys for ur honest comments! i will try to work on it. sorry for replying so late. i was having exams at that time so i kinda forget abt it
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Not to worry delonicdevil. So how was your exam?Originally posted by delonicdevil:thanks guys for ur honest comments! i will try to work on it. sorry for replying so late. i was having exams at that time so i kinda forget abt it -
Originally posted by delonicdevil:
Sorry that I took so long to jump onto the bandwagon.
Just a little piece. Honest comments please.
Observer
Shifting from one picture from another
Of friends playing on the beach
Or sun tanning at a trendy place-which I do not know
Through the lens of the camera - I take these photos
The relationships of people blossoming through fun activities
While I hide my world behind the camera
Observing the changes of life
[b][/b]
It's a pretty good achievement on your part that you were able to paint a scenic picture in my mind using no more than just words;
however (behold the proverbial 'BUT') --
this is definitely not a prose poem, even if it appears literal.
A prose poem could read like prose with uneven breaks, but a critique would instantly reveal certain literary elements and techniques that set it apart from ordinary copy.
I've found some painpoints in your poem:
Persona
From your poem, I gather your persona is a photographer narrating what he sees from the viewfinder.
Since this is a profession that uses a specific glossary, try to emulate the lingo that your persona is likely to adopt.
Eg: "Shifting from one picture from another" --> aside from the glaring grammatical booboo ("to another"), one way of sharpening your imagery is to substitute the word "picture" to say, "frame".
This way, you would have established your persona's purpose and motivation from the get-go.
Value Words
This is a basic rule in any literary composition: be precise. Adjectives such as "long", "fun" and "happy" are so over-used that they've ceased to be meaningful.
If you can, try to search for a word to breathes precision to elevate the quality your prose.
To better illustrate what I mean, I've taken the liberty to edit your poem (forgive my temerity!)Shuttling from one frame to the next,
Notice how I've reduced the prosiac quality of the original into a more poetic form using techniques such as alliteration, assonance, allusion, metaphors, onomatopoeia, personification, reduction and repetition.
I slip into players playing on the beach,
I slip under lotion while they loll at trendy tanning shacks.
Through the eye of the camera I stop time.
As these passers-by mingle in a lingering high
I hide a world behind the camera,
observing the obscure changes of life.
If you need an explanation of these techniques, or if you want to know where exactly these techniques were applied in my recreative piece, let me know. -
I've a poem that deals with photography (and language) as a subject matter. It's posted here, but for the sake of comparison (and relevancy) I'm gonna enclose it here as well.
Notice how I've :
if babel teeth and babel tongue
if babel teeth and babel tongue
weaves a wire rope sling
of loosely stranded vowels:
we could a syntax have
without parentheses,
a mere mutter to invoke
comprehension. A gust rigging
your long slow tones and my
staccato speech into a massive
sail we will. On the the river Nice,
you and I lament, la-la-la,
and the water rewinds like film
reversed on its sprockets
if babel teeth and babel tongue
captures, on a double exposure,
what we used to be, I could rent
the distance between us
with adjectives, sweet memoirs
of a sunkissed negative.
1) alluded the movment of water to "film reversed on its sprockets". Water is a reflective medium, as opposed to film as a storage medium. When water moves, it carries with it a series of discombobulated images, not unlike how exposed film retains its captured images even when it is rewound.
2. Onomatopoiea in the juxtaposition of "your long slow tones" against "my staccato speech". Reac it aloud and you'd know what I mean.
3. "babel teeth and babel tongue" layered on top of a "double exposure": this augments the strength of the conceit as both imagery complements each other. They both convey noise and disharmony.
(Note: a conceit is an extended metapher/imagery commonly used to examine an idea from a unique standpoint)
4. "sweet memoirs of a sunkissed negative": alliteration ("sweet/"sunkissed"), the idea of something irrevocably lost ("memoirs/sunkissed negative") and as a result,a sense of irony is created.