July Poetry Exercise
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u luff for wat??Originally posted by DeadPoet:
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Any thing wrong with that?Originally posted by tare:u luff for wat?? -
Hey DP,Originally posted by DeadPoet:Hey dsnake1 try writing this without the constraint.
You have a potential gem here.
here's my revised poem without the constraints. tell me is it better?
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DARK
The lift doors grated shut
........... behind me
..................... dissonantly
a casket lid closing
my boots thudded against
hard cement floor
of the corridor
as
a chilled wind flayed
............ laundry hung on bamboo poles
.................................... flapping
.................................... like headless torsos
what dark force
............... turned my gaze back?
.......................... i saw
.......................... i saw a
a shadow gliding at the lift landing
was it a malevolent spirit
......................... watching?
Then a dog barked,
............... distant
................ its howl primordial
............................. frightened
and the sky turned a shade of rusty grey
Reaching home, 2 a.m.
...... nerves frayed as a used sack
...... i unlocked the door
...... walked into a warm room
...... to a hot bath
...... to wash away
...... the dark.
16.07.05
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Hello dsnake1, regarding your poem “Dark”, I have to say I prefer your original version. Since you are going for the spacious effects, I think that you are adding unnecessary details to your new version.
For example,
Reaching home, 2 a.m.
...... nerves frayed as a used sack
...... i unlocked the door
...... walked into a warm room
...... to a hot bath
...... to wash away
...... the dark.
To be honest I find it a bit too long-winded.
Secondly,
as
a chilled wind flayed
............ laundry hung on bamboo poles
.................................... flapping
.................................... like headless torsos
I am afraid this image doesnÂ’t work for me. I find it difficult to compare laundry with torsos, flapping laundry I can understand, but flapping headless torsos? Maybe it is just me.
Lastly, see if you can keep the word “unholy” in the new version. It has a great sound effect on the poem.
If it is okay with you, I will post this poem in my blog tonight. Maybe some of the poets that visit my blog can give you better advice.
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Hi DP,
thanks for your comments & critique of my poem. i thought by adding more images would make the poem more visual, but like you said, it turned out long winded in parts. i wasn't too comfortable with the revised version too.