July Poetry Exercise

• tare

  8 Jul 05, 16:21

  Originally posted by dsnake1:

  Hi tare
  i am experimenting with line breaks in an open poetry form. I think it is quite necessary.
  
  "night sounds cutting
  through
  humid
  air,
  painful
  tinny. "
  
  what u see here is all the lines left-justified. If i displayed it as a web page, or a word document uwill see a lot of white space. this gives an illusion of space and time., something like..
  
  night sounds cutting
  ------------------through
  ------------------------humid
  --------------------------air,
  --------------------painful,
  ----------------tinny.
  
  imagine the --- are white space. we are supposed to pause slightly when encountering white space while reading a poem. this gives an illusion of time, it takes u longer to read the lines.
  
  No understand the last stanza? It must be bad, huh? What i was trying to convey was, it was creepy in the corridor outside. Thus i was glad to be in a "warm room", took a bath to cleanse whatever evil that i may have encountered.
  I guess it would be better if not constricted by non-usage of "e".

  well i noe u experiencing with line breaks .. but when read, sounds abit the "mian qiang", like having line breaks for the sake of it.... DP any comments?
  
  hmmm..... the contrast between creepy in the corridor and warm bath is nice.. but can a shower wash away those "stuffs"??
• DeadPoet

  8 Jul 05, 16:24

  Originally posted by dsnake1:

  I guess it would be better if not constricted by non-usage of "e".

  Hey dsnake1 try writing this without the constraint.
  
  You have a potential gem here.
• DeadPoet

  8 Jul 05, 16:25

  Originally posted by tare:

  well i noe u experiencing with line breaks .. but when read, sounds abit the "mian qiang", like having line breaks for the sake of it.... DP any comments?
  

  That is because he is into e.e. cummings.
• DeadPoet

  8 Jul 05, 16:30

  dsnake1,
  
  you can also check out this blog. You may like his poems.
• dsnake1

  8 Jul 05, 16:30

  Originally posted by DeadPoet:

  That is because he is into e.e. cummings.

  u also know ah?
• The man who was death

  8 Jul 05, 16:31

  Originally posted by DeadPoet:

  That is because he is into e.e. cummings.

  I once read a erotic poem from e.e. cummings, I have to say that that poem really fits his name
• dsnake1

  8 Jul 05, 16:32

  Originally posted by DeadPoet:

  Hey dsnake1 try writing this without the constraint.
  
  You have a potential gem here.

  i can try and post it again .
• dsnake1

  8 Jul 05, 16:34

  Originally posted by The man who was death:

  I once read a erotic poem from e.e. cummings, I have to say that that poem really fits his name

  izit? can post here?
• The man who was death

  8 Jul 05, 16:36

  Originally posted by dsnake1:

  izit? can post here?

  Forget liao and i dun rem the title just that it really fits his name
• DeadPoet

  8 Jul 05, 16:37

  Originally posted by The man who was death:

  I once read a erotic poem from e.e. cummings, I have to say that that poem really fits his name

  I think I have read it before too. Can't remember the title.
• dsnake1

  8 Jul 05, 16:39

  Originally posted by tare:

  well i noe u experiencing with line breaks .. but when read, sounds abit the "mian qiang", like having line breaks for the sake of it.... DP any comments?
  
  hmmm..... the contrast between creepy in the corridor and warm bath is nice.. but can a shower wash away those "stuffs"??

  symbolic only mah. but that night was really creepy, maybe too much reading on that murder case..
• dsnake1

  8 Jul 05, 16:41

  Originally posted by DeadPoet:

  dsnake1,
  
  you can also check out this blog. You may like his poems.

  thanks, DP
• tare

  8 Jul 05, 16:42

  Originally posted by DeadPoet:

  I think I have read it before too. Can't remember the title.

  issit tis one?
  
  i like my body when it is with your
  
  i like my body when it is with your
  body. It is so quite a new thing.
  Muscles better and nerves more.
  i like your body. i like what it does,
  i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
  of your body and its bones, and the trembling
  -firm-smooth ness and which i will
  again and again and again
  kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
  i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
  of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
  over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,
  
  and possibly i like the thrill
  
  of under me you quite so new
• DeadPoet

  8 Jul 05, 16:43

  Originally posted by dsnake1:

  thanks, DP

  No problem.
• The man who was death

  9 Jul 05, 16:06

  Originally posted by tare:
  
  
  issit tis one?
  
  [b]i like my body when it is with your
  
  i like my body when it is with your
  body. It is so quite a new thing.
  Muscles better and nerves more.
  i like your body. i like what it does,
  i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
  of your body and its bones, and the trembling
  -firm-smooth ness and which i will
  again and again and again
  kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
  i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
  of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
  over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,
  
  and possibly i like the thrill
  
  of under me you quite so new[/b]

  Nah not this one it's about a girl telling cummings to go slow cos cummings gonna you know what
• DeadPoet

  12 Jul 05, 01:13

  Originally posted by tare:
  
  
  issit tis one?
  
  [b]i like my body when it is with your
  
  i like my body when it is with your
  body. It is so quite a new thing.
  Muscles better and nerves more.
  i like your body. i like what it does,
  i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
  of your body and its bones, and the trembling
  -firm-smooth ness and which i will
  again and again and again
  kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
  i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
  of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
  over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,
  
  and possibly i like the thrill
  
  of under me you quite so new[/b]

  Not a single clue. Maybe dsnake1 have read before?
• dsnake1

  12 Jul 05, 23:32

  Originally posted by DeadPoet:

  Not a single clue. Maybe dsnake1 have read before?

  sorry, no help. haven't come across that one yet
• tare

  13 Jul 05, 12:34

  hey i just rem!!! DP u no comment on my piece tis time... TAT bad??!!
• DeadPoet

  14 Jul 05, 01:54

  Originally posted by tare:

  hey i just rem!!! DP u no comment on my piece tis time... TAT bad??!!

  Commented in your blog liao what.
• tare

  14 Jul 05, 12:16

  Originally posted by DeadPoet:

  Commented in your blog liao what.

  u only suggest title nia.... tat one not consider comment wor....
• DeadPoet

  15 Jul 05, 16:09

  Originally posted by tare:

  Poem: Untitled [actually cos i can't think of a title help??!!]
  
  Moon shining in twililght,
  Not a star in sight,
  Isolation.
  
  Gazing out into nothing,
  Too much on my mind,
  Insomnia.
  
  Plush toy in my bossom,
  Oblivious to my pain,
  Ignorant.
  
  Visions of him in sin city,
  Along with illicit company,
  Immorality.
  
  Fibs and bulls told too many,
  Soon lost its coaxing,
  Insouciant.

  A good attempt!
  
  Like that can or not?
• tare

  18 Jul 05, 16:59

  Originally posted by DeadPoet:

  A good attempt!
  
  Like that can or not?

  hahhaa... can can
• BÃ¥seline

  18 Jul 05, 17:06

  Can change the bossom word to something else???
• tare

  18 Jul 05, 17:27

  Originally posted by BÃ¥seline:
  Can change the [b]bossom word to something else??? [/b]

  something else like??
• DeadPoet

  19 Jul 05, 01:26

  Originally posted by tare:

  something else like??