Poem:Void Deck Day
-
Void Deck Day
The sun bears witness
To the strolling cats
And yelling children
Who kick their feet
Screaming like a lady robbed
And refusing to board the bus.
The plump Ah Soh waddles
Around the void deck
Leaving an invisible trail
Denoting irritation
Towards the patient Sun
And his brother Humidity.
Chattering away like leaves stirred,
The three kids of 4th Floor
Slump head-first on the stone table;
Hands dealing out magic
“Lightning Blast!”
and their nimble fingers
surpass even the noodle seller.
One cat stretches and yawns
The postman is here.
Ah Soh has returned.
The sun turns white
And the smell of fried fish
Waketh the little kitty.
The sounds of basketball
Bounces off the whitewashed walls
And distracts the studying girl
Who looks up
And swoons at her man,
But the Os are a jealous rival.
The sun sets in a blaze
And the rays light up
Even the dark corners
Of letterboxes and lift landings.
A cat stands and stretches
Her day has just begun.
------
Comments are most welcome
-
are u the cat?
seriously, i'm not good at commenting..... WHERE'S DP??!
it's very closed to heart, the lifestyle and scenarios.... great visuals, 1st stanza already caught my mind's eyes....
but... err.... it's just me lah, i like poems tat is "neat"; tat i can see a pattern of rhythm and rhyme...
is tis call free form or something? sorry i'm really bad with the technicalities of poetry
maybe i should go for the poetry workshop! -
a poem need not rhyme to be good... the first stanza was very funny... I could almost see the kids being reluctant to go to school after a month's holiday... kekeke...
and a little technicality here... the cat's day doesn't start in the afternoon... it starts more in the evenings when the sun is not hot and blazing... cats are more nocturnal creatures... kekeke
-
Hey thanks guys..the cat..well let's say that theres a double meaning to it..Originally posted by KittynMeow:a poem need not rhyme to be good... the first stanza was very funny... I could almost see the kids being reluctant to go to school after a month's holiday... kekeke...
and a little technicality here... the cat's day doesn't start in the afternoon... it starts more in the evenings when the sun is not hot and blazing... cats are more nocturnal creatures... kekeke 
Well,the cats at my estate begin their day in the afternoon lol.Weird kitties. -
so u ARE the cat lah....Originally posted by LazerLordz:Hey thanks guys..the cat..well let's say that theres a double meaning to it..
Well,the cats at my estate begin their day in the afternoon lol.Weird kitties. -
Something like thatOriginally posted by tare:so u ARE the cat lah.... -
This is a very interesting poem.
I will come back to it later. Got to get back to work soon. -
LazerLordz, I was wondering why don't you start a poetry blog.Originally posted by LazerLordz:Something like that
-
Hi LazerLordzOriginally posted by LazerLordz:Void Deck Day
The sun bears witness
To the strolling cats
And yelling children
Who kick their feet
Screaming like a lady robbed
And refusing to board the bus.
The plump Ah Soh waddles
Around the void deck
Leaving an invisible trail
Denoting irritation
Towards the patient Sun
And his brother Humidity.
Chattering away like leaves stirred,
The three kids of 4th Floor
Slump head-first on the stone table;
Hands dealing out magic
“Lightning Blast!”
and their nimble fingers
surpass even the noodle seller.
One cat stretches and yawns
The postman is here.
Ah Soh has returned.
The sun turns white
And the smell of fried fish
Waketh the little kitty.
The sounds of basketball
Bounces off the whitewashed walls
And distracts the studying girl
Who looks up
And swoons at her man,
But the Os are a jealous rival.
The sun sets in a blaze
And the rays light up
Even the dark corners
Of letterboxes and lift landings.
A cat stands and stretches
Her day has just begun.
------
Comments are most welcome
Interesting piece. There are strong visuals, which is good. But somehow I feel that this is not one of your better poems. The fourth stanza can be improved on, in my opinion. I like the last stanza, reminds me of a photo u have taken.
U hang around the void deck the whole day to write this? -
KittynMeow should know more about cats than us,Originally posted by KittynMeow:and a little technicality here... the cat's day doesn't start in the afternoon... it starts more in the evenings when the sun is not hot and blazing... cats are more nocturnal creatures... kekeke -
I did, but I stopped for a while now..realised that when I felt happier in life, I wrote less and less..Originally posted by DeadPoet:LazerLordz, I was wondering why don't you start a poetry blog. -
Can pm me the link?Originally posted by LazerLordz:I did, but I stopped for a while now..realised that when I felt happier in life, I wrote less and less.. -
Okay, let me see
Void Deck Day
The sun bears witness
To the strolling cats
And yelling children
Who kick their feet
Screaming like a lady robbed
And refusing to board the bus.
Drop the word “And” at L6. I like the contrast between the strolling cats and yelling children. Nice image, however, “Screaming” is redundant since you have already mentioned “yelling” at L3, try using other images.
The plump Ah Soh waddles
Around the void deck
Leaving an invisible trail
Denoting irritation
Towards the patient Sun
And his brother Humidity.
I am not too sure what you are trying to say here. For example why is the Ah Soh waddling alone around the void deck? Where is she going? Etc.
Chattering away like leaves stirred,
The three kids of 4th Floor
Slump head-first on the stone table;
Hands dealing out magic
“Lightning Blast!”
and their nimble fingers
surpass even the noodle seller.
Should it be “from” instead of “of” at L14? Why do you need to capitalize “Floor”? “Chattering away like leaves stirred” I am afraid this line doesn’t work for me. However, I really like L16 - 19 “Hands dealing … the noodle seller.” Well done.
One cat stretches and yawns
The postman is here.
Ah Soh has returned.
The sun turns white
And the smell of fried fish
Waketh the little kitty.
In my opinion, your weakest strophe in this poem saved only by the last two lines which I really like. By the way why the “th” in the word “Wake?” just curious.
The sounds of basketball
Bounces off the whitewashed walls
And distracts the studying girl
Who looks up
And swoons at her man,
But the Os are a jealous rival.
I have mixed feelings with this one. I like the sound of “whitewashed walls” but dislike the phrase “studying girl.” Hmm… maybe drop “And” at L30 and the whole of L33.
The sun sets in a blaze
And the rays light up
Even the dark corners
Of letterboxes and lift landings.
A cat stands and stretches
Her day has just begun.
I think it is very creative of you to use this line “Her day has just begun” to end the poem. Nice touch.
Thanks for the read LazerLordz.