This year Valentine
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My first poem here, please comment. DonÂ’t need to be nice to me, tell me the truth.
This year Valentine
You used to hold me close
On ValentineÂ’s Day
But now you are holding someone else
Leaving me alone to stay
With Sorrow on my left
And Misery on my right
All I want is to have you by my side
My world will be alright
When you hear our favourite song
Do you still remember our first kiss?
When you see the summer clouds
Do you still remember my first gift?
I long to see you one more time
On this year Valentine -
A bit short, The rhyming a bit cliched. Generally, a decent effort
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Please read my pm.Originally posted by BigDaddyCool:My first poem here, please comment. DonÂ’t need to be nice to me, tell me the truth.
This year Valentine
You used to hold me close
On ValentineÂ’s Day
But now you are holding someone else
Leaving me alone to stay
With Sorrow on my left
And Misery on my right
All I want is to have you by my side
My world will be alright
When you hear our favourite song
Do you still remember our first kiss?
When you see the summer clouds
Do you still remember my first gift?
I long to see you one more time
On this year Valentine
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Dear BigDaddyCool,
I refer to your pm yesterday. Well since you insist that I post the comments here, here goes. It may sound a bit harsh but they are my honest opinions.
You used to hold me close
On ValentineÂ’s Day
But now you are holding someone else
Leaving me alone to stay
With Sorrow on my left
And Misery on my right
All I want is to have you by my side
My world will be alright
When you hear our favourite song
Do you still remember our first kiss?
When you see the summer clouds
Do you still remember my first gift?
I long to see you one more time
On this year Valentine
Firstly, there are hardly any images to work with. It is full of abstracts and clichés. Frankly, even after reading this poem several times, I feel and remember nothing of it.
Secondly, why the capitalisation of “Sorrow” and “Misery”? Beside, these two words are really overused. Instead of telling me why you are feeling sorrow and misery, may I suggest showing us instead? Paint a picture that we can see and not you can see.
Thirdly strictly speaking, there is nothing poetic in this piece. It sounds too much like a prose to me.
Fourthly, why the strange arrangement of the strophes? I donÂ’t see any reasons for such arrangement.
Fifthly, is there a reason why you chose to use little or no punctuation? Standard punctuation should only be abandoned with good reasons. Do you have any?
Lastly, may I suggest holding off rhyming until youÂ’ve been reading and writing poetry for a few years? If you are going to rhyme, then you need to master the use of meter.
I hope I am not too discouraging, but you did ask for my honest opinions right?
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Originally posted by DeadPoet:
Woah why so harsh deadpoet?
Firstly, there are hardly any images to work with. It is full of abstracts and clichés. Frankly, even after reading this poem several times, I feel and remember nothing of it.
Secondly, why the capitalisation of “Sorrow” and “Misery”? Beside, these two words are really overused. Instead of telling me why you are feeling sorrow and misery, may I suggest showing us instead? Paint a picture that we can see and not you can see.
Thirdly strictly speaking, there is nothing poetic in this piece. It sounds too much like a prose.
Fourthly, why the strange arrangement of the strophes? I donÂ’t see any vivid reasons for such arrangement.
Fifthly, is there a reason why you chose to use little or no punctuation? Standard punctuation should only be abandoned with good reasons. Do you have any?
Lastly, may I suggest holding off rhyming until youÂ’ve been reading and writing poetry for a few years? If you are going to rhyme, then you need to master the use of meter.
I hope I am not too discouraging, but you did ask for my honest opinions right? -
Really? Too harsh meh.Originally posted by The man who was death:Woah why so harsh deadpoet?
I already try to tone down liao you know. I hope you don't mind BigDaddyCool. If you think it is too harsh, sorry. -
Bigdaddycool, If u want to improve on writing, you can take a look at song lyrics.
That's how i improve also
Deadpoet, why u never comment on my last two poems? -
Try reading more contemporary poems.Originally posted by The man who was death:Bigdaddycool, If u want to improve on writing, you can take a look at song lyrics.
That's how i improve also
Deadpoet, why u never comment on my last two poems?
You want me to comment on your poems ah, you want my honest opinions?
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Yeah i look forward to your honest opinionsOriginally posted by DeadPoet:Try reading more contemporary poems.
You want me to comment on you poems ah, you want my honest opinions? -
Sure, but maybe over the weekend.Originally posted by The man who was death:Yeah i look forward to your honest opinions -
Hey buddy, he whacked me on the punctuation too...Originally posted by DeadPoet:Dear BigDaddyCool,
I refer to your pm yesterday. Well since you insist that I post the comments here, here goes. It may sound a bit harsh but they are my honest opinions.
....
Fifthly, is there a reason why you chose to use little or no punctuation? Standard punctuation should only be abandoned with good reasons. Do you have any? 
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Dear BigDaddyCool
If you are reading this, maybe I am a bit too harsh but what I want to stress is we are entitled to our views. If you think that it is okay for poetry to be full of clichés and abstracts so be it. For example, see Devil1976’s poems, he is a supporter of abstract poems but he is also a regular in DPS (S). But if he should ask me to comment on his poem I will still tell him honestly how I feel about them.
Different people have different views regarding what makes a good poem, if you agree with me, great, if not, we are still friends and you are still most welcome here.
If you read the “Introduction” thread you will realize that DPS (S) is for both serious poets and those who write for fun. 90% of the threads/poems posted here are for fun. Personally, I think they are great. But if you want me to seriously comment on your poems I will try to be as honest with you as possible. -
Actually punctuation or no punctuation is entirely up to you lah.Originally posted by dsnake1:Hey buddy, he whacked me on the punctuation too...
But if you ask me to comment, as a friend I want to be as honest as possible. I really prefer poems with punctuation loh.
*whacked dsnake1 again* -
The man is absolutely right!Originally posted by The man who was death:Bigdaddycool, If u want to improve on writing, you can take a look at song lyrics.
That's how i improve also
Some singers/bands i recommend are Dire Straits, Pink Floyd, Neil Young, Simon & Garfunkel ..., their lyrics are poetic. -
What about me? I right or no right?Originally posted by dsnake1:The man is absolutely right!
Some singers/bands i recommend are Dire Straits, Pink Floyd, Neil Young, Simon & Garfunkel ..., their lyrics are poetic. -
Audioslave, AFI, jewel and sarah mclachlan are pretty poetic too. You can also check out any goth-metal bands, their lyrics are probably poetic
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Ouch!! bully new people !Originally posted by DeadPoet:Actually punctuation or no punctuation is entirely up to you lah.
But if you ask me to comment, as a friend I want to be as honest as possible. I really prefer poems with punctuation loh.
*whacked dsnake1 again* -
Can post them here? I would love to take a look.Originally posted by The man who was death:Audioslave, AFI, jewel and sarah mclachlan are pretty poetic too. You can also check out any goth-metal bands, their lyrics are probably poetic -
Hey DP, u are a master at dissecting a poem , i wanted to say i can't see much images in it, but you already said it so nicely. A great carving job again!Originally posted by DeadPoet:What about me? I right or no right?
BigDaddyCool, don't be offended or scared off by this guy..
tis is a nice place...
OMG look at the time, morning shift tomorrow... -
1st time write mah.... usually need lotsa improvement one.....
but really can't see images.... maybe cos i'm quite visual.... the saying may be "a picture speaks a thousand words" but tat doesn't mean our words can't paint..
usually with images, it helps to bring the reader closer to your perspective and feelings.... once it touches the heart, to me tat's a good poem.... -
*about to whacked dsnake1 again*Originally posted by dsnake1:Hey DP, u are a master at dissecting a poem , i wanted to say i can't see much images in it, but you already said it so nicely. A great carving job again!
BigDaddyCool, don't be offended or scared off by this guy..
tis is a nice place...
OMG look at the time, morning shift tomorrow...
*~*Freeze*~*
Saw this posting ...
I am just trying to be as honest as possible lah. I am really no master. -
Got oneOriginally posted by tare:1st time write mah.... usually need lotsa improvement one.....
but really can't see images.... maybe cos i'm quite visual.... the saying may be "a picture speaks a thousand words" but tat doesn't mean our words can't paint..
usually with images, it helps to bring the reader closer to your perspective and feelings.... once it touches the heart, to me tat's a good poem....
"summer clouds"
But a bit clichés. -
Hey BigDaddyCool, please do not be disheartened.Each one of us has our own way of seeing things and our comments reflect our own interpretation.In the end, there is no wrong or right, as long as your stuff is able to stand, you are your own poet
Please continue writing and never give up ! -
heh... practice makes perfect... afterall this is only the first one...
do write some more!! -
now when i come to think of it, I missed out on punctuation most of the time when I write... hahaha