my darkest poem here ever
-
My mind is like my foot
So lost easily in the woods
My foot is like a island
So easily lost in the world
Oceans surround my island
Imprisoning me in solitude
I'm not high on altitude
Not even a lighthouse can help me see
Beyond the vast ocean and sea
Wait for the siren's call
That's my last and only shore
Until i find the shell broken to its core
How can there be solitude without even a cage?
The ocean pulls me under
My mind tears me asunder
Unfair the despair
Lonely and the melancholy
Might as well kill me
Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rine
Break me from the bones
All detached and desolated -
tot its sunny over ur side of d island ?
y d gloom ?
-
I love dark poems! It could be darker though.
-
Cause i completed this last nightOriginally posted by pipi & poot-poot:tot its sunny over ur side of d island ?
y d gloom ? -
oic....Originally posted by The man who was death:Cause i completed this last night
Keke....great attempt -
Hmm i shall include a dark poem as well -
Will do the same soon.Originally posted by DriftingGuy:Hmm i shall include a dark poem as well
-
I have a question for you, what do you want your poem to achieve? If you want your reader to simply understand your poem, I think to a certain extent you have achieved that. (I have read poems so abstract that none of the readers know what the heck they are talking about, luckily none of the poems posted here are like those)
But if you want your poem to stand out, to be different from the hundred of thousands of “dark” poems out there, or if you want your poem to leave such a deep impression on your readers that 10 – 20 years down the road they can still recall it, there is still quite a distance to go.
When I look at a poem the first question I ask myself is do I understand what the poem is about? If the answer is no, why is it so? Is it because I am stupid or is it because it is too abstract? Most poems have no problem achieving the first level.
At the second level I start to get picky. I focus on techniques, such as spelling, punctuation, rhythm, sound, image, etc. Here is where the conflicts arise. Usually I avoid commenting at this level because we need to have a certain understanding to communicate effectively here.
At the third level, I look beyond the surface of the poem, and the techniques used and go for an in-depth analysis. If I manage to reach this level, usually I will remember that poem forever. Personally this is the most interesting level.
-
I want my poem to express how lonely i feel, I want it to show how much loneliness can I feel. How easy it is to be lonely. Next, I just want to put all the feelings i feel into the poem, to vent my frustration, my helplessness like i'm crying out for someone to save me.Originally posted by DeadPoet:I have a question for you, what do you want your poem to achieve? If you want your reader to simply understand your poem, I think to a certain extent you have achieved that. (I have read poems so abstract that none of the readers know what the heck they are talking about, luckily none of the poems posted here are like those)
But if you want your poem to stand out, to be different from the hundred of thousands of “dark” poems out there, or if you want your poem to leave such a deep impression on your readers that 10 – 20 years down the road they can still recall it, there is still quite a distance to go.
When I look at a poem the first question I ask myself is do I understand what the poem is about? If the answer is no, why is it so? Is it because I am stupid or is it because it is too abstract? Most poems have no problem achieving the first level.
At the second level I start to get picky. I focus on techniques, such as spelling, punctuation, rhythm, sound, image, etc. Here is where the conflicts arise. Usually I avoid commenting at this level because we need to have a certain understanding to communicate effectively here.
At the third level, I look beyond the surface of the poem, and the techniques used and go for an in-depth analysis. If I manage to reach this level, usually I will remember that poem forever. Personally this is the most interesting level.
Do you think I achieved what i want to express? -
No. U jus mentioned briefly about loneliness...perhaps jus 1 lineOriginally posted by The man who was death:I want my poem to express how lonely i feel, I want it to show how much loneliness can I feel. How easy it is to be lonely. Next, I just want to put all the feelings i feel into the poem, to vent my frustration, my helplessness like i'm crying out for someone to save me.
Do you think I achieved what i want to express? -
Is it? I thought the first stanza should be able to convey how small and lonely I feel. So I failed?Originally posted by alexkusu:No. U jus mentioned briefly about loneliness...perhaps jus 1 line 
The second stanza also talk about it, like oceans surronding my island means i'm kept away from any outside contact. The broken shell is like i can't even contact someone by phone -
For me, lost and loneliness is different things. U mentioned about being locked in, unable to break out..resorting to gloom and despair. Well thats wat I see in ur poem.
-
Ok i'll try to express it better next time. Thanks for ur commentOriginally posted by alexkusu:For me, lost and loneliness is different things. U mentioned about being locked in, unable to break out..resorting to gloom and despair. Well thats wat I see in ur poem. 
-
But good effort tho
-
For me lah, you've passed Leve 1.Originally posted by The man who was death:I want my poem to express how lonely i feel, I want it to show how much loneliness can I feel. How easy it is to be lonely. Next, I just want to put all the feelings i feel into the poem, to vent my frustration, my helplessness like i'm crying out for someone to save me.
Do you think I achieved what i want to express?
More or less I can sense the loneliness/helplessness tone of the speaker in the poem.